Monday, August 8, 2011

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 216, I'm Super Thanks For Asking

I realize that I've been doing these "Bleach" recaps for very nearly a year now.  In that year of recapping, picture capturing, and generally whininess, what have I learned?  When you spend a year of your life doing something, you should uncover some kind of great ultimate truth about yourself, the world, and stuff, right?  Well, so far, the biggest thing that I've learned is that Rukia looks really cute with her hair up.  That isn't going to serve me all that well in my adult life, is it?  The recaps definitely have not put this blog on the map like I dreamed, I don't care for "Bleach" any more than I used to, and um... well, yeah.  There we are.  Then again, these recaps aren't any less pointless and un-blog-mapping then any other post I do, so I guess we'll keep on keeping on.

First thing I want to say about episode 216:  I still like the opening theme.  That was the first thing I wanted to say.

The second thing is this:  has anybody noticed how decidedly un-epic this Final Battle of Ultimate Destiny has been so far?  This show has no sense of pacing or drama.  So far everybody has been standing around on clouds... not really doing anything.  Its wacky folk on one side and equally wacky folk on the other, this isn't the Battle of Helm's Deep here.  Heck, I'm surprised nobody brought up an N64 up there so that they could get a game in of "Smash Bros" in while they were waiting for the plot to get around to give them something to do.  Isn't this, you know, a WAR??  FIGHT!  Is there some kind of code of chivalry amongst the dead that means that you have to set up one-on-one fights amongst somewhat equally-matched opponents while everybody else watches?  If so, somebody should have brought beer, I think.

So during the recap the narrator replays Ulquiorra's creepy scene of nearly touching Orihime's boobs.  Last week I didn't actually listen to anything he said, because I was focused on the boobs.  This week I listened, and man, Ulqui is one weird dude.

"You humans keep using that word, but what is a heart?  Can you hold it in the palm of your hand?"  As a matter of fact, Mr. Sad Clown, you can hold a heart in the palm of your hand. The heart is an organ that pumps blood in the human body.  Being about the size of a fist and eleven ounces, it will easily fit in a single hand.

"If I cut open your chest, will I see a heart?"  Yes, you will.  Because that's where hearts are.

"If I cut open your skull, will I see a heart?"  No, you won't.  That's a brain, dumbass.  Ulqui, you really need to study your organs more.

And that's the end of that scene.  This dialog is beyond insane.  Now to actually recap this week's episode.  With so many massively long recaps, its hard to tell the difference.

So Ichigo crashed into Ulqui's lair, and now they have to fight.  But first, chivalry demands that you exchange words as winded as they are long.  Ulqui, I think, might be autistic or something, because he needs to explain to us out-loud that he's allowed to kill Ichigo.  Conjuring up memories of Shaq and Byakuya, Ichigo asks if the Sad Clown sees him as an equal.  They are, how nice.  Then they fight.

Making love with swords.

And that's it for that, onward with more stuff.

Back in Bizarro Karakura Town, the Old Espada, Barragan, decides that he's in command now.  Aizen is still trapped inside Yamamoto's flames, which are apparently sound proof as well as impenetrable.  Too bad he didn't bring a cellphone.  Barragan is the oldest, and the loudest, and he simply declares "I'm in charge!"  Then one of his Arrancar attendants opens up a rug, and makes a throne out of skulls.  Barragan will prove he is the boss by being super boss.

No matter how cool the chair is, nothing is more boss than that mustache.

The other Arrancars just kinda take it.  Some lovely Black chick working for Tia starts to wonder what King Bone's issue is, but Tia shuts her up quick.  Stark also submits to the mighty Bone Throne, but his creepy lolicon servant doesn't, so she kicks his ass.

Beaten by a 50 pound kid that doesn't wear pants, for shame.

King Barragan immediately assesses the strategic situation.  He decides that since this is the Bizarro world, he should blow up Urahara's four barrier towers so they can take out the real Karakura Town.  So there are three Espadas, that means a pillar each, then you can send the other lesser Arrancars out to take out the fourth.  Oh... you're not doing that are you?  You're summoning random monster things?  Somehow I don't think that Barragan is exactly Napoleon.

"MMMM, TOWER!  DELICIOUS!"

Meanwhile, Soi Fon's lieutenant, Potato Chips, starts whining.  He immediately freaks out like these giant monsters are completely indestructible, as if Soul Reapers hadn't been killing Hollows for years now.  Potato Chips is simply the biggest pussy in all of human history.  Why doesn't he, you know, KILL the monsters?  Why did they take this idiot along anyway?  Soi Fon is a Psycho Lesbian Bitch, I don't know why she puts up with this idiot.  Maybe she has a weird crush on pathetic fat losers... (I'm hopeful).

If you're wondering what Soi Fon's vagina looks like, here you go.

Yamamoto stops the whining right there.  "I may be an old incontinent fool, but I'm not stupid enough to let four monsters defeat us."  So Cue-Ball, Yumichika (from here on called "His Fabulousness"), Mr. 69, and Kira appear to kill the monsters.

Well, the big giant monsters were defeated in seconds, just as we all knew they would.  King Skull now still needs to wipe out the pillars, so he sends out his Arrancar team.  Naturally he can only send out four soldiers to deal with four enemies, because otherwise it would be unfair.  Or the final battle wouldn't take seventy episodes to finish.  So let's break this down, because now there are no less than four fights to deal with:

First of all, Chief from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" is fighting Cueball.


Ikkaku uses the word "pray" making Chief wonder what Gods Soul Reapers pray too.  Cueball isn't very bright, so he has absolutely no idea what religion the Soul Reapers believe in.  Since he doesn't give an answer, I'll simply declare that all Soul Reapers are Episcopalians.  Chief reveals that Hollows worship Aizen, and this religious divide means that the battle must begin.

Now we move on to Mr. 69, who is fighting a masked dude that kinda looks like Zechs Marquise.  And that's that.

Now we move on to something... different.  Um...  I suggest you remove all small children from the room now.  His Fabulousness is suddenly ambushed by... um... this:

._.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

Queer does not even begin to describe it.  If Truman Capote arrived to the Gay Pride Parade surrounded by the Sacred Band of Thebes while Big Gay Al gave Oscar Wilde a rimjob under a quadruple rainbow covered in bondage gear while Paul Lynde danced to Lady Gaga's Alejandro, it wouldn't be half as gay as this character.  Tingle from the "Legend of Zelda" would call this thing a faggot.  If you were to spend the rest of your life having sex with dudes, you couldn't match this level of gayness.  Nathan Lane would be tempted to commit a hate crime against Charlotte.  And then the jury at the trial would aquit Nathan Lane, because Charlotte had it coming.  This character is so gay, his name is fucking Charlotte!  After watching this episode, I bet even girls will have to spend long difficult moments in the bathroom, staring themselves in the mirror, assuring themselves that they aren't gay.  When the Christian assholes wanted to defeat gay marriage in California, they just sent out fliers of Charlotte's face.

So now you have the gayest character on the show, and what's his reaction?

"NOTHING! NOTHING! I SEE NOTHING!"

EXACTLY THE SAME AS EVERYBODY ELSE'S.  His Fabulousness might spend eight hours a day growing his eyelashes to be two feet tall and paints them yellow, but when faced with Charlotte, he has a heterosexual panic like everybody else.  Yeah, Charlotte is so gay that he makes gay dudes want to be straight.  Compared to Charlotte, Yamichika is Kenpachi Zaraki.

So this opens up a lot of weird questions about Barragan.  I mean, he employs that... thing.  Charlotte's so gay that I think I'm gay now just because I'm talking about him still.  Barragan now must be the Queen of the Castro.

You know, I need some female, soft, and not Charlotte to get through this review.

That'll work.

Anyway, we'll skip ahead now before I say something truly offensive.  (Though if you are a touchy gay person, you'll probably be more offended by Charlotte than anybody else.)  The next guy who fights Kira is actually pretty cool.  He shouts a lot.  "GONNADOITGONNADOITGONNADOIT!"  And compared to Charlotte, he's the best character in the world.  Kira doesn't care because Kira is too depressed all the time now that Gin dumped him.  Then Scream-o Dude rubs salt in that wound, and Kira explodes in Psycho Lesbian Rage.

That ends the episodes.  I think we'll carry the scars we got this week with us for the rest of our lives.  I don't quite know how I'll manage to carry on with my life, all I know is that I've been eyeing the revolver in the cabinet ever since.  The one thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that once I go to Hell, Charlotte will be waiting for me.  If I haven't killed myself from PTSD, I'll be back next week.  Here's to it.

5 comments:

  1. Because this show has so many plot holes, you never know whats going to happen, all you know is it going to be extremely gay, or extremely perverted, or confusing beyond human comprehension, just wait for episode 228, your love for this show will be renewed just for that episode.

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  2. Let me get this straight: Baragan's plan is to destroy the pillars so that they can escape this trap. The trap that they knew was a trap before leaving Hueco Munde. The trap that they WALKED INTO ANYWAY DESPITE KNOWING FULL WELL THAT IT WAS A TRAP!

    This show is stupid. No, it's so beyond stupid that we need a new word for it.

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  3. If you think that is stupid, one day I got bored and went on one of the manga websites and went ahead and saw how it ended. This series will never end, NEVER, this will drag out forever until it gets so stupid that people never age or until Tite Kubo dies. Just you wait until you see how ridiculous this gets at the end.

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  4. On the topic of Bleach-stupidity: i have only one thing to say: This Saga of Bleach (The Aizen Saga begining when the two Espada arrived in Karakura town down to when Ichigo finally kills Aizen by committing soul-reaper-suicide) is comparable to Dragon Ball Z's Buu Saga (from when Majin Buu comes out of his shell-egg thingy to when Goku kills Kid-Buu with a uber Spirit Bomb)
    Off topic: Is it just me or in the picture that Blue posted above of the intro with Rukia and Orihime doing their sexy dance of sexiness, is that Aizen wearing sunglasses and creeper-stairing at them...? o.O
    I swear that's him to the right of that picture either fading away into the background or spray-painted onto the wall.
    -- Vincent

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  5. *Correction: apparently, after watching the intro, it's Ichigo...they snuck him in knowing that everyone would be paying attention to Rukia and Orihime >.>
    (btw, Rukia fanboy, she pwns Orihime; Bad-ass and cutely funny drawings pwn ditziness and long whiny speeches (excluding boob size, but if we counted that, Rangiku would win...))

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