His Dark Materials

"His Dark Materials" is a fantasy trilogy of young fiction novels by Philip Pullman.  These books have been on my reading list for about four years now ever since I saw the film adaptation the first novel, "the Golden Compass".  You can probably get an accurate guess as to how good of a movie "Golden Compass" was simply by noting that they never even tried to adapt the other two.  After I see a really lousy movie based on a book, I make sure to read the source material.  Because typically awful movies represent really good books.  Take for example the 2006 Jude Law film "All the Kings' Men", a hideous disaster of a movie based on what is my favorite American novel.

Unfortunately with "Dark Materials" I'm some ten years too late to be of the age group these books were marketed to.  Last young adult novel I tried to read was "Eragon" - my personal copy of that book has now most likely become part of the the Staten Island landfills with the rest of the trash.  So "Golden Compass" remained unread until I saw it on my ex-roommate's shelf.  Why buy a book when you can read some for free?  With little else to do in my academic freetime, I proceeded to devour all three novels with my typical literary insatiability*.  So now, just little more than a month after I began, I have a post to write.

I was more than aware of the various controversy around these books.  Philip Pullman is an unapologetic atheist, and when he isn't writing a preteen adventure story, he's railing against organized religion.  "The Dark Materials" has outright been admitted to be an attempt by Pullman to kill Christianity in the hearts of young readers.  Of course, there's nothing I like more than some controversy.  That at least gives me something to talk about.  Naturally Pullman's anti-Christian views in "Dark Materials" are things I completely disagree with.  We'll get to that eventually.  But worse "His Dark Materials" the story just isn't all that good.  Its miles ahead of that godawful movie, but ultimately Pullman's story has some serious characterization flaws and has far worse structural problems.  This is not something I'd ever recommend to another person.  Maybe for a ten year old this is good enough, not for me.  These books, especially the last, could have used a lot more work.

Humanitarian Stalemate

Yesterday apparently the rebel forces in Libya managed to win a major victory by taking the city of Misrata.  However, like most things in our current Libyan adventure, the actual meaning of this victory is unclear.  Was Gaddafi's loyalist army simply defeated, or did they retreat back just to bombard the rebels?  And why do pro-Gaddafi forces even have the hardware necessary to bomb a major city anymore?  Does anybody really know what is going on in that country?  More importantly, does anybody know what our goals are in Libya?  My number one concern at the start of this intervention was our lack of clearly defined goals - without an objective, the war can turn into a long quagmire with nobody entire sure what to do to get us out.  If you don't have a plan, how do you win?

Now here's what I think our goals are, or at least what our goals should be.  I think we're bombing Libya for the purposes of removing Gaddafi from power and installing the rebels as the new government.  Unfortunately, nobody has ever states that this is our goal, even though we're clearly fighting for the rebels' side.  The UN mandate is curious to me, assuming that civilians can be protected without outside ground forces.  If our goal in Libya is to save lives, we're doing a very bad job of it, already ten thousand have died and the death toll rises every day that the war continues.  But President Obama so far has been making our goals in Libya purposefully opaque, one day saying we're not working towards regime change while on the other day saying that Gaddafi must go.  If the war is about oil, then the best course of action would be to occupy the country to keep the precious lifeblood flowing*.  The only strategy the President is using right now is a vague hopeful "Gaddafi can't last much longer, can he?" kind of plan that could only result in a very expensive, very bloody, and ultimately very stupid war.  Oh wait, its not a war, is it?  Its a "kinetic military action"** - a euphemism so hilarious that I must wonder who Obama hired from the Bush administration to think it up.

The simple fact is that our Libyan strategy right now is at best unrealistic at worst completely incoherent.  We can't even decide if the rebels are trustworthy enough for us to supply with arms.  I'm not saying that the Libyan War was a mistake from the beginning.  But again, this is not working.  Ultimately I rather doubt the Gaddafi regime can fight it out indefinitely while cut off from the world, but at that point the level of destruction would make the concept of a "humanitarian war" a literal oxymoron.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 201, The Deadly Mantis

Kenpachi is definitely one of the more broken characters on "Bleach".  His ludicrous Spirit Pressure allow for him to basically be an unstoppable killing machine for regular Soul Reapers and Hollows.  Yet still somehow Ichigo was able to beat him, that doesn't seem to make much sense.  Ultimately Kenny runs not only on a nuclear-powered superstrength, but also on complete insanity.  He's an Lunacy Drive.  Cut him and he just gets more excited.  Cut him again and he only smiles.  Stab him the heart and he'll laugh hysterically, continuing to fight on until the end.  Physical damage simply does not matter - he's so crazy that you can't kill him.  He's like the Strong-Nuclear Force, no matter how much you try to pull the quarks apart, the stronger their bonds become.  The more strength you throw against Kenpachi, the more fun he's going to have, and the more murdered you're going to be.  Unless you're Ichigo and have protagonist Plotkai, you aren't going to beat Kenpachi, its simply impossible.  The more damage you do the stronger he gets.  Even Aizen himself would be unable to win.  In short, Kenpachi is completely undefeatable, he's a "Bleach" version of "Hellsing"'s Alucard.

In short, Spoony is completely screwed.  He might as well lay down his funny spear right now and pray to his impotent God.  Maybe if Spoony could grow six arms he might have a shot...  Actually no, he's still done.  If "Bleach" went so far as to have Kenpachi lose, I would be shocked to the very core.  Horrified actually.  I would have no choice but to respect Tite Kubo for actually killing off a major character.  Then I would change the channel, because Kenny is the best character on the show.  And without him, I don't think I'd have much reason to want to watch anymore.  But that won't happy, so I'm still happy.  Tite Kubo never kills off any good characters.

Last night's episode, I gotta say was really really good for one reason:  it was nothing but Kenny fighting Spoony the entire time, beginning to end.  No comic reliefs, no long conversations, no Granz (because he's dead, yay!).  Only fighting.  And that's how it should be.

Game of Thrones First Episode Reaction

"A Song of Ice and Fire" is so far the greatest books series I have ever read.  As a history major, it puts a smile to my face as every moment of the series is a constant bloody medieval war, with flipping political sides, deep characters with real growth, and dragons.  I know dragons weren't actually in history, but they should have been, dammit!  George R. R. Martin knows better than the history textbooks on that level.  I tore through the entire series in exactly a month last year, and now, with the fifth book, "A Dance With Dragons" just on the July horizon, we have the HBO series to keep us happy until that happy day.

My first worry, that the series would fail has been allayed, as HBO has already bought a second series.  This first season of "Game of Thrones" details the first book, "A Game of Thrones".  This is definitely the best way to adapt these books, as George R. R. Martin's tale is simply too dense with events and characters to ever be made into a feature film.  While reading, I can't help but get the same kind of feeling as watching an HBO drama like "The Sopranos" or its equally brilliant rip-off, "Boardwalk Empire".  Next season we'll be seeing "A Clash of Kings", and presumably, if the series does well enough, every one of the current five books will get a season.  Then there will be problems, but until then...

So as a huge fan of "A Song of Ice and Fire", how did I react to this first episode?  I'll give you two words:  "TOTALLY AWESOME!!"

The Powerpuff Girls: The Movie

Why did it take me nine years to see this?

"The Powerpuff Girls" are probably in my top five of greatest cartoons ever made, coming straight out of the Golden Age of Cartoon Network.  I don't know if the Powerpuffs were the best cartoon during that time of roughly 2000 - 2004, but they definitely were up there amongst the best of the best like "Dexter's Laboratory", "Courage the Cowardly Dog", and of course, "Dragonball Z".  Yeah, it might have been the story of three sweet perfect little girls, but they were also super badass super heroes.  They totally could have kicked Superman's ass, I guarantee it.  Heck, the Powerpuff Girls probably could have kicked Goku's ass!  And they'd do it without fingers.

Some episodes of the show were sweet little comedy shows.  Some were violent battles for the fate of the planet.  At least one episode was a rock opera.  Then there were a few episodes that honestly frighten me to this very day, like the one where a fashionable mad scientist creates a commercial line of Powerpuff clones... only with such poor construction that they fall apart and die in seconds*.  That one still gives me nightmares.  Or the tragic tale of the mentally retarded fourth Powerpuff Girl, Bunny.  The movie naturally should have been the most awesome fighting, the best animation, and the wildest superpowers ever.  So did it succeed?  Well, if I feel like reviewing it nine years after the fact, what do you think?  Have I ever bothered to review old movies that I didn't like on this blog?

GILGAMESH: THE GAME

Welcome to 420.  In honor of this stoner holiday*, we have another episode of Fanwank Corner, where I let my mind free and think of some insanely cool new movie or game that will never ever actually be made.

Its been a year or so since I outlined what "Final Fantasy XV" should be, and well... Square Enix never called.  However, I have plenty of other ideas of how to save the Final Fantasy series.  The one that seems to be the most creatively fertile in my mind however, is a little gem I called "GILGAMESH:  THE GAME" - a game so awesome about a protagonist so awesome that you must write it in all-caps.  Thems are the rules.  For years clearly the true star of the Final Fantasy franchise has not been any of the bland prettyboy protagonists - "Dissidia" proved that ultimately if you gather all the heroes of the series together, you'll end up with a story so dull that you'll be hard pressed to even tell them apart.  No, the true star is a far more ridiculous mutlitverse traveler who owns as many swords as he does arms.  And then SE decides to make the star of their next Final Fantasy this guy?  Lame-brain emo McPussypants?  Why does Cloud Strife's hair stylist hate him so much?  Screw that!  If this series is ever going to return to glory, you know who the next star must be.

Now obviously "GILGAMESH:  THE GAME" would be a bit difficult to make into a standard RPG.  For one, Gilgamesh is so awesome that I cannot really imagine him having to share plot duties with a weird of bunch of standard RPG heroes.  Is he really going to join up with three girls, a furry, an old guy, and the Token Dragoon?  No, he's flying solo for this mission.  That means, of course, that this would be an Action-Adventure game.  Also Action games are just better, ultimately.  If you have a problem with that, please complain in the Comments so that I can laugh at you.  Gilgamesh has been sitting on the sidelines for too long, if he's getting his own game, it needs to be entirely about him.  So action-adventure Gilgamesh game it will be.  Now all we need to do is decide the storyline, the setting, the gameplay, the art style, and well... everything.  Luckily I still have a whole post in which to do it!

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 200, Not Suitable for Family Viewing

So last night was "Bleach"'s 200th episode.  Do you think they did anything special for it?  No, no they didn't.  Just a regular episode, it even has a really long intro and everything.  You'd think that the creators would at least try to make the 200th episode at least especially good, but as evidenced by my brief plan to name this post "Bleach Recaps: Ep. 200, In Which Nothing in Particular Happens", you can tell they didn't.  I finally decided to name this episode something else because I know in the future there will be many episodes where nothing in particular happens, and I don't see why Ep. 200 should get the honor.  At least it wasn't a damn clip show.  It definitely needed more Kenny in it.

Last week Captain Insano finally finished his battle with Granz by injecting him with Sharringan-Rip-Off Formula*.  Yes, it turns out that Granz is technically immortal since he can eat the bodies of everybody around him for infinite one-ups, but Maryuri came up with a brilliant plan.  Bore him to death until he doesn't want to live anymore!  Let Espada #8 taste what these horrible forty episodes of Granz-fighting have been like for the audience.  So for the last week, Granz has been trapped in the lowest levels of "Inception", slowly losing his mind and eventually begging to die.  Its a tad bit disturbing, I'll admit that.  Inside Granz's mind, he's a whithered old corpse, but in the real world he's still a pink-haired pretty boy, only with a sword inside of him.  Granz has it coming.  Also, if the can't think of anything more productive to do for the centuries of time he has to himself then whine, he really deserves to die.  Couldn't you uncover the secrets of the universe or attain Nirvana or something?  Or at least come up with a decent knock-knock joke?

Ultimately when Insano stabs Granz's heart the guy just sort of keels over and dies.  I think.  Its not much explained.  The show kinda makes us assume that he's dead and moves on.  More importantly:  GRANZ IS DEAD.  Somebody break out the champagne!  Its party time!

Okamiden

Its been over a year since "The Legend of Zelda:  Spirit Tracks" was released.  Since then, I have been suffering though horrible withdrawal from the greatest video game franchise of all time.  Its hard to live without something that's been such an important part of my life for some years.  I feel the walls coming in on me.  They want to eat me!  I must escape this torment of a "Zelda"-less existence.  How long until "Skyward Sword"?  No release date yet!  I'm going to long be eaten before then!  What could possible make this wait less horrible?  ...Wait, could it be!  Yes, it is!  A sequel to my favorite artificial "Zelda" substitute game, "Okami"!  And this time, it stars an adorable puppy!  Yay!

There is nothing more adorable than a cartoon puppy.  Oh who's the cutest little badass puppy Sun God in the world?  You are!  Oh yes you are!   Yes you are.  Awww...  You're more adorable than a baby monkey riding a pig.  The main character is so loveably cute that he's named Chibiterasu!  And how evil are the villains in "Okamiden"?  Must be pretty nasty since they're literally trying to kill a puppy.  Plus they're attempting to destroy stylized medieval Japan, too.  But attempted puppy-cide is a far worse crime!  The only answer is a happy helping of murder using magic ink brushes!  Face Puppy Power!

(I promise, no more exclamation marks for the rest of the review.)

The Freedom Tower Rises

After years of an embarrassing empty space in the New York Skyline, finally the first pieces of the Freedom Tower, or One World Trade Center (they can't seem to decide what its name actually will be), have arched their way up to visibility.  Its taken them ten years to finally get past the World Financial Center.  Ten long years after the terrorist attacks, we on the New Jersey side can actually see some kind of progress in the rebuilding process.  The long nightmare of lawsuits, arguments, acrimony, and delays is definitely one of the sorriest episodes in the history of the New York area and of the entire country.  But now all that seems to be almost behind us, as a shining symbol of the power of the American culture has finally dug itself up from the valleys of Lower Manhattan to begin to take its place as the crown of the city.  The Freedom Tower says in essence, "fuck you, terrorists!  This is America, and we have beaten you.  Just try to mess with us again."

Last weekend I was able to go home to Hudson County.  Downtown Jersey City, specifically the Exchange Place PATH station, is easily the best place in the entire world to view the Manhattan skyline.  For years I've stared out across Hudson Bay to see a ruined New York skyline, lacking the grand prominence that were the Twin Towers.  (Honestly the Twin Towers were rather dull architecturally being little more than boring rectangles without the stately details of more refined structures like the Empire State Building, but their place in the general shape of Manhattan made them work.)  Now finally I can see a somewhat crude black building stand behind the dome of Two World Financial Center.  And that crude black superstructure is the spirit of America.  With the 9/11 Memorial ready to be opened this September on the tenth anniversary of the attacks, Lower Manhattan is close to making a full recovery.  No longer will Ground Zero lie there as a hideous scar across the face of America's imperial city, rather it will become part of the community, another piece of the greatness that is New York.

Can't wait for it be finished.  That's got to be on my calendar.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 199, Mazeltov Its a Granz!

I've mentioned this before in posts, but what I feel to be the greatest piece of literature of the 21st century is a certain fanfic called "Light and Dark:  the Adventures of Dark Yagami".  I bring this up because what makes "Light and Dark" great is its completely and total insanity.  In the latest chapter, "The Mystery Deepers", a character gets the upper hand in a fight by taking off his left hand and turning into a hand grenade (get it?).  "WELL THERES PlENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM roared blud but that wasn't really true cos there was only one hand left…"  Last night while watching "Bleach", I realized this show runs by the same ludicrous logic.  Tite Kubo writes this show completely without any concern for sanity, reasonable sequences of events, or common sense.  Next episode Ichigo might eat his own Zanpakuto and transform into a half-human half-sword monster, and it will make just as much sense as what regularly takes place on this show.  "Bleach" is what happens when somebody applies the rules of Calvinball to script writing.

So in tonight's recap, we tell the dramatic and tragic story of one Espada #8, Szayel Aporro Granz.  Granz was a just a pink-haired Hollow who dreamed of being a star.  Unfortunately, as we'll see, his insufferable smugness and creepy rapist demeanor will lead him to the very depths of despair.  Even after being reborn, Granz only will far from an even greater height.  You see, what Granz lacked was only one thing:  Plotkai.  He did not have the skills to just randomly pull out random powers like his opponent, Captain Insano.  The wheel of random plotpoints did not favor Granz this day, and so he failed.  Plotkai is a harsh mistress.  She only gives her favor to those whom Tite Kubo prefers.  Sadly, Granz's theatrics and wacky homoerotic transformations did not endear himself to the fanbase, and Plotkai abandoned him.

Let us begin from the beginning:

Budget Crisis

Anybody else enjoy last Friday night's episode of American Political Theatre?

So for the last weeks the newest argument in Washington has been over the budget.  The newly elected Republicans in Congress wanted to cut some billions out of our budget, the Democrats wanted to cut less billions, and soon enough no budget was ready at all.  While both sides went forward posturing, the livelihoods of over a million government employees hung in the balance.  I guess for those of you who enjoy the drama of political nonsense like this, Friday's budget crisis was a great bit of entertainment.  I'm sure watching millionaires argue over a couple billion here and there while the scale of the deficit problem actually lies somewhere in the trillions can be great fun if you can forget for a moment that this insane bickering is supposedly the principles our country are based upon.  If you're a complete sadist, you could definitely find it especially funny how the Republicans are willing to lose the deficit issue as just an excuse to get rid of programs they don't care for.

Naturally our political discussion has become so horribly divided lately that a compromise is completely impossible unless an arbitrary time limit is put at the end.  We can't even have a reasonable discussion without a time limit that could shut the government down (which sounds a lot more dramatic than it actually is).  Only in American can the budget crisis somehow come down to the abortion debate.  So who won?  The Republicans?  The Democrats?  Do we actually want either of these groups to win anymore?  This entire debate was for a tiny, largely insignificant fraction of the nation's economic issues, none of which I actually see being solved yet.  More importantly, this circus is what our government is doing right now when we're stuck in a miserable recession and the Libyan war is dead stalemate.

Sucker Punch

I'm becoming more and more impressed with Zack Synder's continuing failure to make a good movie.  The guy seems to get so close so often:  "300" brought over-masculine Greek action but ultimately descended into little more than a silly cartoon.  "Watchmen" promised to deconstruct the Superhero genre like never before but only succeeded in being too long, having too many characters, and utterly lacking in a moral center.  And now we have "Sucker Punch", which is essentially a live-action anime.  How is Zack going to screw it up this time?  The real tragedy is that Zack Synder's best film still is the inferior remake of "Dawn of the Dead".

"Sucker Punch" is Zack Snyder's first attempt at an original story.  Now that we see inside the mind of the world's favorite comic book adaptation director, we find out that all that's inside there is strippers, giant robots with bunny faces, WWI German-zombies, and the opening scene of "Final Fantasy XIII".  Basically he's mixed together all the things that nerds love, including several anime cliches, in what seems to be rather shameless pandering to the geek audience who basically rule cinema now.  The whole thing is basically organized like a video game, with each major sequence being the next level in the wild circus of anime plot points.  Unfortunately, that's it, a wild circus.

I definitely wanted to enjoy this movie, there was no reason on Earth that Zack Snyder's vision here needed to be such a waste of energy.  I don't mind action fantasy.  I don't mind video games.  I don't mind anime.  As a matter of fact, these are things that I love, and are pretty much what Planet Blue are dedicated to.  Certainly "Sucker Punch" isn't failing for trying to be any of those things - but it sure as heck isn't original despite its pretensions.  But Zack Synder once again is all style, no substance.  The world inside his brain truly is a frightening place:  a sepiotoned world of flashy action scenes against hordes of random mindless creatures.  All without context.  All without reason.  All without any trace of humanity.

Evangelion 2.0: You Can (Not) Advance

So welcome to the landmark event of 2011.  After an unbearable wait of two years, finally "Evangelion 2.0" has been released, the sequel to "Evangelion 1.0", which came out in late 2009, making it one of the very first movies ever reviewed on this blog.  This is the second part of the Rebuild of Evangelion, a remake of the original series while hopes to rebuild the story after blowing it to pieces in "End of Evangelion".  Yes, its been that long, that when "Eva 1" came out, Planet Blue was still "Tales From the Q?" I had only like three readers, and I had yet to have gone completely insane reviewing "Dissidia" yet.  Seeing "Evangelion 2.0:  You Can (Not) Advance" is basically the fulfillment of all my hopes and dreams.  Now I have the years and years wait for "Evangelion 3.0" to look forward to.

Throughout my lifetime I've seen a lot of movies that I've really liked.  Tons of them.  Look back at my blog history, of all the movies I see, most of the reviews are positive*.  And there are plenty of movies that I'd want to see again, "Tron: Legacy" and "Inception" being at the top of the list.  But its a really rare thing for me to want to want to watch a movie all over again once the end credits roll.  "Evangelion 2.0" got that reaction out of me, just as its legendary mindfuck ancestor "End of Evangelion".  Its up there with "The Departed" a movie I saw on Saturday, then went back to see the very next weekend - when it was somehow even better.  "Evangelion 2.0" is like a great song I can't get out of my head, I just want to listen to it all day long.  I have become evangelized by this movie, and now I must spread the word.  I'm ringing the bells from the mountainside:  come now, see "Evangelion 2.0"!  All must be Saved!

While "Evangelion 1.0" was simply a straight-up remake of the first portion of TV show, "Evangelion 2.0" decides to slowly break away from the plotline.  First it introduces a completely new character and a couple new Angels.  Then you notice that one character isn't in the right place for this battle.  Then by the end balls have finally found their way to the walls, and shit goes completely off the walls into utter insanity.  "2.0" goes so far that I'm completely at a loss as it what they could possibly do next with the last two movies.  But since this is "Evangelion" we're talking about, its probably going to be completely insane and awesome.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 198, YOU JELLY GUMGUM?

So last night I saw "Evangelion 2.0", or "the most awesome goddamn movie ever".  Now tragically instead of reviewing that masterpiece of anime brilliance, I must instead talk about this masterpiece of anime ridiculous nonsense.  This... is going to be a hard recap.  "Evangelion" review is tomorrow:  I don't have enough time in my day to write two whole posts and when I miss even a day with the "Bleach" recaps, people always get upset.  Since you're concern touches me in places (some private), I'm bending over backwards to give you what you want.

On "Bleach" last night we saw the exciting and glorious return of Asuka Langley Soryu, now renamed "Asuka Langley Shikinami" for no reason other than to start flame wars amongst the dumber members of the fanbase.  Shinji finds living with this hot-tempered...

Wait, dammit, recapping the wrong thing.  Sorry, I'll start again.

Last week on "Bleach" Byakuya proved the superiority of White Men Soul Reapers while fighting Shaq.  Shaq's plan of turning himself into a large pink pillows covered in eyes completely failed because he was too stupid to use it effectively, then totally forgot that he had a sword and got pwned by Byakuya's Bankai.  Somehow however, Zommari has survived this attack, so now the remainder of the fight takes up another half of an episode.  Considering that Byakuya lost an arm and a leg last week, Shaq should be able to win this easily with some Shaq Fu, but remember, Shaq Fu was one of the worst games ever made.  So he's going to lose.  Then for the rest of the episode Captain Insano goes off his meds and acts even crazier than usual.

The Death of Planet Red

So... yeah.  About yesterday.  Lots of craziness, I know.  A bit too many "HAHAHAHAHAHA"s for my taste.  And for some reason there was a penis monster.  (I don't even want to imagine what the deal with the penis monster was...)

There's always been a lot of tension between the Bizzaro Me and myself.  I don't really know why.  I mean, I know Red Highwind is naturally inclined towards pure evil and but for whatever reason she specifically wants me dead.  Like all the time.  Really in all my life I can't say I've ever been so hated, its hard to understand.  So more often not Red will come down with some ridiculous scheme to blow me up in a million pieces, while I'm just wondering "what did I ever do to you?"  Yesterday Red came up to me, strapped me to a nuclear missile, which she then launched to the dark side of the moon while stealing my blog and unleashing a penis monster.  This is not a healthy interpersonal dynamic.  I'd like to have a reasonable conversation with this person, but all she'd do would rip out my spine and start whipping me with it.  Plus Red Highwind lives in the deepest depths of Tartarus (great property values), and I don't even know her number.

Probably the question you're asking yourself is this:  how I am still alive?  Typically yes, being strapped to a nuclear device and sent out into outer space usually would blow up you.  However, Big Red made a couple of mistakes when trying to kill me this time.  First of all, and this isn't all that well known, but the Moon People actually outlawed nuclear bombs.  Since the bomb I was riding was illegal, it couldn't explode when I reached the Dark Side of the Moon.  So then all I had to do was take the bus ride back to Earth and beat up Big Red in an epic battle of epicness.  Sadly Red Highwind always loses these epic battles of epicness for a very simple maths reason.  I, Blue Highwind, am win, so she naturally is lose, by being Bizzaro.  Her penis monster got ripped to pieces thanks to my flaming death sword of death.  So she surrendered, we ate a nice lunch, and she went back to Tartarus to plan her revenge.  Then with a coat of blue paint on the background, Planet Blue was saved forever.

YAY!  APRIL FOOLS!  YAY!

THE BIRTH OF PLANET RED!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY I HAVE KILLED MY IDIOT BROTHER, AND NOW THIS WORLD IS MINE TO COMMAND!!  I LAUNCHED HIM INTO SPACE RIDING A NUCLEAR MISSILE!  SOON HE WILL EXPLODE WITH THE LIGHT OF A MILLION SUNS ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON!  SO BEGINS ONE THOUSANDS YEARS OF DARKNESS UNDER MY EVIL REIGN.  BOW TO YOUR NEW KING!!  BOW TO RED!!!

NOW GET ME SOME VIRGINS SO I CAN SACRIFICE THEM!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!