The Losers

Let's make this review a quick quick one:  I rented this movie mostly because I was walking through a Blockbuster and saw a scene of it up on the mounted TVs they have everywhere in the store.  And you know what?  The scene I saw was damn good.  So rent it I did.  And you know what?  The rest of the movie was damn good.

"The Losers" is a silly goofball action movie starring a group of misfit ex-special forces soldiers who were framed for a crime they didn't commit now living the mercenary life.  Unfortunately, it opened the exact same week, or maybe just a week before, "The A-Team", another movie about a group of misfit ex-special forces soldiers who were framed for a crime they didn't commit now living the mercenary life.  "The A-Team" won that battle I'm sorry to say.  I didn't see that movie because its an adaptation of a 70s TV show, and if that description doesn't spell disaster in your mind, you haven't seen enough movies, my friend.  However, I should note that "The Losers" is adapted from a DC comic book nobody on Earth has ever heard of, because I think every movie in 2010 is adapted from an obscure comic.  Even so, I can't imagine that "The A-Team" could possibly be a better movie than "The Losers", because "The Loser" is awesome.  This is everything that the "The Expendables" wasn't and should have been:  fun, well-scripted, wonderfully cast, and well-shot.  Emphasis on the fun.

To explain what "The Losers" is, I won't bother with a plot description, I'll just describe a scene.  So Chris Evans (who thanks to his other role this year in "Scott Pilgrim" has proven that he is an amazing actor) is infiltrating the skyscraper office of the arch-villain, played by super douche Jason Pactric.  Christ Evans is cornered by two security guards while completely unarmed and holding several McGufffins in his hands.  So without missing a beat, he suddenly declares that he has learned mind bullets from Tibetan monks, and puts his hands out in the gun gesture that kids use for games of Cops and Robbers.  The guards laugh it off, until Evans fires his Spirit Gun, and then two guards are blown away.  One guard is left, and he freaks out, running for his dear life.  Of course, Chris Evans isn't a Spirit Detective, his buddy was in a nearby skyscraper with a sniper rifle - the whole thing was the world's most lethal magic trick.  Awesome.  That's "The Losers" for you.

So that's all I really got to say here:  the action is fun, the jokes are funny, Christ Evens is hilarious, the villain makes you hate him, Zoe Saldana is hot, and the movie is great.  It isn't art, it isn't going to win Best Picture, but it does what it does flawlessly.  I can't think of a single complaint, not one.  Its a sad day indeed when Sylvester Stallone, one of the Gods of action movies, needs to be schooled in his craft by the half-French music video director, Sylvain White.  Here's to "The Losers 2" if it ever happens.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 174, Break the Mirror's Boundary! Ichigo's Captivity

Last week on "Bleach" we had a tea party and pint-sized assassin.  What will Episode 174 bring?  A NINJAR INVASION!

So we open up with Kumoi's evil lair, where he and his entire faction are hatching an evil scheme.  Purple-haired ninja is given that mirror sword that the first ninja assassin used.  At this point we finally get to learn the purple-haired ninja's name - its Hanza.  Until he manages to actually beat up a major character, he's going to remain the Purple-Haired Ninja in these recaps.  So you better get working, dude if you want me to use your name.  Purple-Haired Ninja is finally given the order to go to Earth and kill Princess Lampshade-hat.  I don't know why we've been delaying this.  Meanwhile, Kumoi has some Evil Old Guy stuff to do right here in the Spirit World.

Its at this point that we cut to the newest character in this arc full of new characters:  Prince Shoe or Shu or whatever weird romanticized spelling we're using.  We don't yet know who he is, but he seems rather mopey.  Plus he reminds me of somebody... god damn me if I know who yet.  Well Kumoi summons this kid, so either he's a helpless political puppet or a super powerful badass Soul Reaper who could put Purple-Hair to shame.  I know where my money is.  Cute little boys are always helpless in anime, I don't quite know why.  If they're ugly, they might stand a chance.

Titanic 2

Yes, this exists.

So your first reaction has got to be "they made a Titanic 2??"  I guess I should explain.  James Cameron and 20th Century Fox and everybody else who hold the rights to the Academy Award winning 1997 "Titanic"* have absolutely nothing at all to do with this semi-sequel.  Instead of those creators, this was made by the legendary low-budget film company, The Asylum Home Entertainment, creators of everybody's favorite rip-off titles for Hollywood Blockbusters.  These are the guys who made "Transmorphers", "100 Million BC", "The Da Vinci Treasure", and "Snakes on a Train".  They also make original movies such as the incomparable work of cinematic genius that is "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" - soon to have a sequel in "Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus"!  You can tell that these guys are serious professionals in the art of filmmaking, can't you?  Since Titanic was a real ship and cannot be trademarked intellectual property, the Asylum is legally allowed to name any movie they want "Titanic".  But why have a "Titanic" movie, when you can have "Titanic 2"?

The story has nothing to do with "Titanic 1" either.  The plot here is that its the year 2012, and a super rich dude decides to rebuild the Titanic just in time for the ship's 100 year anniversary.  What do you call this new ship?  Titanic 2 - of course!  But we've improved the thing, making it completely unsinkable... we mean it this time!  So the ship is on its maiden voyage (from New York to London, the reverse of Titanic 1), when all of sudden the predictable disaster occurs.  Everything goes "The Day After Tomorrow" and an 800 mile-per-hour tsunami rushes down, carrying a whole iceberg with it.  You thought an iceberg was bad?  Well how about one going more than double the speed of sound!  To nobody's surprise, "Titanic 2" is about to sink, and all its passengers are doomed**.  Sounds like wonderful cheesy entertainment, doesn't it?

I'm sorry to say... things aren't that simple.  This movie blows.

Bleach Commentary: Ep. 173, The Appearance of the Great Evil! The Darkness in the House of Kasumiōji

Another week, another "Bleach".  Last week I was complaining that "Bleach"'s current arc is nothing but boring silly nonsense with barely any action or credible threats.  I think the creators might have been aware of this fact as well, so they decided to do things a bit differently for Ep. 173.  In this week's episode we have... a tea party.

Instead of the titular character for the arc, this episode follows Ichigo and Rukia, and the "protect the Princess" situation that as of yet seems to have absolutley nothing to do with the new Captain Amagai.  I'm pretty sure the two plot threads will come together somehow, but so far this arc isn't giving me much hope that the final pay-off will be worth it.  So Princess Lampshade-hat has escaped her guardians to travel back into the Soul Society, using her clan's own inter-dimensional tunnel*.  She manages to walk exactly thirty seconds before running straight into Kumoi, the evil old guy who hired the ninjas to kill her.  Of course, the evil old guy has to keep up appearances, so he just gestures to his purple-haired ninja to take care of it, and lets the Princess go.  Apparently she's going to "A PARTY!!".  Uch...

Before Ichigo and Rukia and the two guardians enter the Soul Society, they have to leave behind all the other major characters who have no role to play in this side-arc.  This is a funny scene, considering the current fates of these characters in the "real" storyline.  Rukia at the moment is possibly dead thanks to injuries inflicted during her battle with Espada #9, whose bizarre name I will not try to spell (Rukia won the fight at least, being the first character to ever kill a full Espada).  Chad might be dead too, having been beaten up by Spoon-head, Nnoitra.  Uryu is fighting for his life against Granz, that Espada that looks exactly like Kibune.  And Ichigo and Orihime are together, with Ichigo having defeated Grimmjow, but they're both still very deep in enemy territory.  Its a surreal thing, seeing all these characters standing around calmly when in the real plot any one of them might die any second or might even be dead already.

Devil

If you recall back in my "Inception" review, before the movie started a certain trailer for a movie called "Devil" played.  And it was greeted with a collective groan - boos even - from the audience.  This is all thanks to the words "A Film by M. Night Shyamalan" which accompanied the trailer, words which in a post "The Happening" and "Airbender" world can only be marketing poison for any perspective film.  However, I didn't think the trailer looked half bad:  it had a decent promise for a mystery horror movie and seemed like a perfect "Twilight Zone" episode, which is never a bad thing*.  Perhaps I was also motivated by the furious reaction it got in the crowd.  "You all think this is garbage just because M. Night is involved, but I'm going to show you that 'Devil' is the little movie that can!"

Here's the thing:  Shyamalan didn't actually direct or write this movie, despite his name being everywhere in this project.  He's just a Producer, and is credited with "the idea", whatever that means.  The actual screenwriter is Brian Nelson and the actual director is John Erick Dowdle, which thanks to a bit of research are not names that inspire much confidence in me either come to think of it.  Dowdle made the stink-fest "Quarentine" and Nelson wrote the equally smelly "30 Days of Night".  This movie is also part of the "Night Chronicles", whatever that is, presumably some kind of compilation of horror films which bare Shyamalan's adopted middle name.  Considering how far M. Night has fallen recently, I'd put the odds of any more Night Chronicles to be roughly zero.  In fact, I'm surprised this movie got a wide-release at all.  This may indeed be Shyamalan's last hurrah - that one final film to slip by before he's finally run out Hollywood forever.

So here I am, reviewing the other movie created by the director of the worst movie of the year.  Was "Devil" everything I expected?  Or has M. Night's legendary failure streak once again taken another cinematic victim?