Game of Thrones is a Game of Misery

The hype that was promised! The two Clegane brothers stand off. Finally after fifteen years of fan speculation and memes, we are here. The Cleganebowl. And could we have a more exciting backdrop? A city burning to ash under the fury of a mad dragon queen. The very Red Keep itself crumbling beneath their feet. But none of that matters compared to the raw anger within the hearts of these two knights, living and undead. This is a battle beyond life, death, justice, or sanity. Pure masculine hatred is all right here for your viewing pleasure.

And it is fucking miserable. All of it, just unpleasant and awful. What a waste.

There is no point to giving Game of Thrones any credit that the last episode could possibly redeem what has happened in Season 8. The latest episode, The Bells, broke whatever hope I had. There is no final episode that could possibly make me happy any longer. In some ways, that train left the station many seasons ago. Some shows jump the shark, Game of Thrones rapes it. Remember Sansa and Ramsay? That was real bad, and I still haven't forgiven you, show. But I've been along for the ride, through all the ups and downs. I still wanted to see how it ended. At this point, we're watching the ending now and it doesn't matter what happens anymore. I don't care. This is miserable, miserable by design.

We could spend thousands of words here going through every little detail of every little mistake that has piled up into this car crash of a season. You can take your pick really. The choice to cut these last two seasons down to thirteen episodes has been a complete disaster. This latest season has been a near total failure thanks almost entirely to the writing. Character arcs are total botches, plot points have been forgotten, major villains have been let downs, battle scenes have been so badly shot you can't even see them, and I could keep going forever. Everybody was excited to see how Game of Thrones was going to end. Well, everybody except for showrunners, Benioff and Weiss, whose decisions this last season feel like the halfhearted work of two guys who put in their two week notice already. The themes are lost, the characters are wasted, and none of it means anything anymore. All that's left are surprises, horrible horrible surprises.

Do Not Believe In Joe Biden’s Time Machine

In Joe Biden's campaign announcement video yesterday he used imagery from the "Unite the Right" fascist rally in Charlottesville, VA eighteen months ago. Biden wanted to show he was against White Supremacy and all of its evils. However, optics are very different from substance. Biden went on to call the entire Trump era an "aberrant moment in time". As in, not the culmination of any trends, but a sudden break away from the norm. Trump is not part of America, he is an invasive disease. You can "other" him and "other" those Nazis in Virginia. They aren't America, they're something else. Biden wants you to know that America is just fine. With him, we can easily sweep all this regrettable unpleasantness under the rug, then carry on with business as usual.

It is tempting to fantasize that we can just hop in a time machine back to 2016. For a lot of people, the Trump era is a time of exhaustion. I hear again and again this sense that time seems to have slowed. That every day is another horror. People are tired of the work and pain of following every calamity. This is wartime, every day is another battle. And I want you to get ready for the reality that the war won't end with the 2020 election.

As much as you may want peace, you can’t go back to 2016. You don’t want to go back to 2015 either or 2014. Because those were imperfect times too. People could tell they were getting a raw deal. Liberals may be nostalgic about a time when the president wasn't an embarrassment. And if you were a white American of enough means, living under Obama meant that politics was easy. It was something you could ignore, because things were fine. It wasn't fine for everybody else, but never mind that.

I want to specifically note that Joe Biden was willing to use Charlottesville as a campaign prop, but he wasn't actually on those streets counter-protesting the Nazis. Why would he be? His skin isn't in the game. He's been in the halls of power long enough that he'll be good and rich no matter what. To Biden, the problem with the Nazis wasn’t that they were Nazis, but they were loud and that he had to see tiki torches on the front page of the New York Times. The problem with Trump isn't Trump or real politics that affect real people, but how it reminds Biden of unfortunate things he'd rather ignore. Biden has lived his entire life fighting for a pretty okay America for those who already have, not the Have-Nots. Biden might as well campaign on "Make America Fine Again". That doesn't mean actually improving America. No Biden, is the man who will make it cleaner and less problematic for people like him. And is that the best we can do?

Devil May Cry 5: A Supercar Stuck in Low Gear

PSA: The author of this piece has never played a Devil May Cry game before. He jumped in assuming his experience in playing things like Kingdom Hearts, God of War, and all things Platinum Games would be enough. He also assumed that since he knew his anime bullshit, following the storyline would not be too difficult. All he knew is that there was a dude named Dante, he had an evil edgelord brother named Vergil, and hardcore fans of the series hated the Ninja Theory reboot. Also the author is adding that Ninja Theory reboot to his "to play" list.

Devil May Cry 5 is a gas-guzzling, carbon-emitting muscle car for an age where everybody has switched to hybrid engines and fuel economy. It wants to be indulgent and spectacular and something that will look great on a teenage boy's wall. I won't deny that it looks the part. The heroes are full of adolescent cool, the women have a funny habit of losing all their clothes, and the graphics are amazing. It even comes with a buttrock soundtrack. The valves and pistons in this big 12-cylinder engine of combat options are expertly engineered. However, Devil May Cry 5 is also an impracticable beast. It should be a joy ride but instead I found it very frustrating.

Last month I praised Kingdom Hearts III for being a PlayStation 2 throwback in the PlayStation 4 era. However, if Kingdom Hearts III is gaming's Amish Country, then Devil May Cry 5 is a Renaissance Fair. Capcom's devs act so behind the times they think "open world" means Grand Theft Auto III, that "Soulsborne" is a Metal band, and that "shlooter" is some kind of weird sex position. Devil May Cry 5 is a linear level-based game that is almost entirely single-player. You can use the word "arcade-y" when describing it. This was retro in 2009, and is outright transgressive in 2019. Devil May Cry 5 just wants to be a game, nothing more, god bless it. It has no deep ideas on its mind and has nothing to say about anything.

And sure, I love this kind of high-calorie fattening video game, but why am I still hungry after this meal?

Three Hours of Kingdom Hearts III Podcasting

If for whatever reason you want to hear my voice and the voice of other people, here's what I've been up to this week. I recently bought a new (overly expensive) microphone and wanted to try it out. 2,000 words in the Kingdom Hearts III review were apparently not sufficient. Instead I talked for nearly the length of 1997's smash romantic disaster hit movie Titanic about the game across two sessions on two shows. SPOILERS ahead.

First up, on a podcast called C&C Bros hosted by a former FFWiki friend of mine, I guest starred for the first time:

Secondly, on the FFWiki itself, I hosted a discussion with some pals:

Non-audio content is also coming at some point.

Kingdom Hearts III - A Happy Ending, Finally

We live in a year I'm told is called "2019". But you would never guess that playing Kingdom Hearts III. During the decade and a half wait since Kingdom Hearts II, we've jumped two console generations. Everything seems to have changed in gaming. AAA titles are now enormous open world leviathans. The big studios make multiplayer games with infinite loops built around loot and cosmetic microtransactions. The action-adventure genre is dominated by Souls-likes. Combat is now supposed to be punishingly hard yet sophisticated and precise. Kingdom Hearts III refuses to acknowledge that any time has passed. It is proudly a PlayStation 2 game on a PlayStation 4 disc.

You look back at all the hallmarks of gaming history and it seems like director Tetsuya Nomura hasn't played any of them. Dark Souls, The Witcher 3, Mass Effect, Skyrim, they've all had nearly no influence on the long-awaited final product here. Kingdom Hearts III's combat is floaty, button-mashing nonsense. The worlds are single-player, mostly linear, and lacking a galaxy of sidequests. Loot is not the goal, you barely craft, and there are definitely no microtransactions. Instead you jam on the X-button, beat up Heartless, watch a few cutscenes, and then break up the action with a minigame. You don't see games like this anymore, and I love that defiance of all trends that Kingdom Hearts III represents.

It was fitting that a game I cannot believe actually exists at all is one that is utterly inexplicable in today's AAA landscape. I've been waiting for Kingdom Hearts III for so long that the wait itself has become a fundamental part of my being. How many times have I complained in E3 posts about the lack of Kingdom Hearts III? Now that it is here, I feel like a whole phase of my life has passed. And considering the epic mountain of hype I build around Kingdom Hearts III, it seems inevitable that the game would disappoint. I waited eleven years for Versus XIII and got Final Fantasy XV instead. It's 2019, the Starbucks guy wants to be President Centrist, Tom Brady won the Super Bowl for the ten thousandth time, and Bohemian Rhapsody is about to win Best Picture. We aren't allowed happy endings.

Or are we?