Bleach the Movie 3: Fade to Black

Remember that whole year I spent recapping Bleach episodes?  Yeah, that was fun for awhile.  Then I drastically burned out and couldn't do it anymore and outsourced it to HeadBodyMaster?  Yeah, that wasn't exactly the ending I had in mind with the Bleach recaps.  I envisioned a message of love:  yeah, Bleach is stupid and silly to levels almost unimaginable, even downright lazy, but yet it was all still fun.  Anybody over the age of ten who has seen a Godzilla movie completely unironically knows what I'm talking about here.  Its awful, its cheesy, but there are a lot of cheesy things I like:  cheeseburgers, Philly cheesestakes, tuna melts.  What I'm saying is that fast food shouldn't make me throw up, and Bleach got really bad towards the end.

Let's try to amend the bad feelings me and Bleach have right now, I don't want it to end like this.  We have kids together, where will they be with Mommy and Daddy fighting?  And you know, Bleach was definitely making overtures of peace towards me, the newest season doesn't absolutely suck in every way.  I mean, Fake Karakura Town, that was perhaps the worst television ever aired.  But this new Zanpukuto season, that's tolerable at least.

What's not barely tolerable is the newest Bleach movie, "Fade to Black".  In a year where there have already been two great anime TV show movies, "Evangelion 2.0" and "Trigun: Badlands Rumble", I figured Bleach would finally be able to stand up, take charge, and make something of quality again.  Well, instead of quality, the folks at Studio Perriot decided instead to ruthlessly copy the worst parts of Kingdom Hearts and make an extremely awkward storyline that consists mostly of characters convincing each other that they exist.  There's a big air of mystery surrounding the two villains, which ultimately results in the viewer having no idea what the heck is going on.  There is action, there are fight scenes, they're pretty well choreographed, but they're not "wow, this is really cool" moments.  The fight scene between Mr. 69 and Findor was a really cool moment.  Why does a regular episode of the show have higher quality than a MOVIE?

Bleach Recaps Have Moved

"Bleach" was never a good show, but even I never thought it would get this bad.  So ultimately, I can't be bothered to keep writing about the show, and even if I did, as you've noticed, school demands have increased considerably, so I don't have the time to write four posts a week like I was pulling back in the summer.  Already I have a big backlog of posts, I can't throw "Bleach" onto the load.  (And I'm trying to create something substantial of my own outside of this blog, so that's another chunk of time lost from the week.)

On that note, my dear friend HeadBodyMaster has taken up the candle of "Bleach"-ness.  There's a new arc on the way, one that actually looks good.  Here's his recap of Episode 230, enjoy it.  He's done an excellent job of recreating my work, and is funny on its own merits.  So head over to Head Body World, when you get the Bleach bug.

As for me and "Bleach", I don't think we're completely divorced from each other.  I'll be reviewing the movies when they come out in English.  Movie 3 is coming later this week.  And I might just make a final comment on the seasons when they're finished, who knows?

Til next time.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 222, Elephantitis

I'm Tite Kubo.  I am the lord successor to Akira Toriyama, and the greatest manga author of my time.  Fuck that, I'm the greatest author of anything ever.  Check out how boss my sunglasses are.  Oh, you're unimpressed with these shades?  Watch me take them off.  See that style.  You wish you had that kind of style.  Here, I'll put them on and take them off again.  Super cool.  What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, the most interesting subject ever: me.  Yeah, I'm not just stylishly cool, I'm also half-dragon.  Yeah, my mom was a dragon, its cool.  This episode here is based off a chapter I drew for "Bleach".  Because I made it, its the most awesome episode of anything ever.  This episode is especially special for me, because I drew it while two Thai prostitutes were having sex on my coffee table to give me inspiration.  Unfortunately, I didn't get any because they weren't sexy enough.  So I murdered them both and got my publisher to mix their blood into the ink of every copy.  I just want to say, I dedicate this episode to those prostitute, and myself for being so great.  I'm Tite Kubo, and I'm just that awesome.

Fuck that guy.

Anyway, this is a "Bleach" recap.  While Tite Kubo was busy murdering prostitutes, he forgot to actually make this part of the story good.  What happens in Episode 222 is two battles among the fifty-three we have going on at this point.  One of the fights is actually exciting, the other is two big dudes yelling at each other.  The most exciting conflict however was my right hand desperately looking for a beer, which sadly I ran out of.  To fight off the pain, I started drinking shaving cream, which certainly made me semi-conscious, if nothing else.  Then I beat myself over the head with stapler.  When I came to, life was a little bit better.

But then I had a "Bleach" recap to write... Crap.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 221, In Which Everybody Fights Everybody Else

I'm an alien parasite.  My name is Xxxzious  I live inside Blue Highwind's head.  I was sent to this world to conquer and add its natural resources into our glorious intergalactic empire.  Sadly, I'm about the size of a penny and look the slimy white hard thing you sometimes find a bad Chicken McNugget.  I did try to conquer a litter box in Milwaukee a few years ago.  Let me tell you:  cat pee hurts.  I never was cut out for this "galaxy-conquering" stuff.  I wanted to be a dentist.  Since that time, I managed to sneak inside this college-age kid's head, and now spend my days sitting behind his eyeballs while he watches these fucking terrible shows form Japan.  My tentacles ache by just thinking of these things.  They make no sense!  I once saw a Quarble from Planet X-531 make love to an entire Venusian middle school marching band, and that was a more coherent experience!  So, this is it.  I'm packing my bags, leaving this kid's head, and flying back to the home world.  We don't need Earth.  Bye.

What is deal with Ichigo's recap?  Do we need a recap to start up another recap?  Which ultimately leads to you reading MY recap?  This is insanity!

To describe to "Bleach" three nights ago, I can only use this phrase:  "Holy clusterfuck, Batman!"  Everybody just started fighting everybody else, basically at random.  The Powerpuff Arrancars decided to fight Hitsugaya and that set of tits he calls a lieutenant, Starrk and Lolinette went to fight Shunsui and Captain Tuberculosis, and Barragan managed to pull two more Arrancars out his ass to fight Soy Phone and her idiot.  So I guess that's like twenty-nine episodes worth of fighting to do, along with all the battles that are happening in Heuco Mundo right now.  Oh, and remember that the Visoreds are on their way, the Big Bad Trio are trapped in a fireball, and then there are all the characters that Tite Kubo simply forgot about.  And finally, Ichigo has to save the day somehow.  We're going to be here for a very long long long time.  Better get comfortable, its "Bleach" time.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 220, Hot Puppy on Wailord Action

I'm Blue Highwind.  I do not have the ability to see Spirits, I am not an ordinary high school student, and I do not have orange hair.  One day I started a long-running series of recaps of the anime series "Bleach", mostly because the current season, the Amagai Arc, was so indefinably awful in every sense of the word that something needed to be done about it.  Since then I have recapped very nearly a year's worth of episodes.  I've seen things that would make most men change the channel, yet I have pressed on.  For what ultimate goal?  I have no idea anymore.  I could say that there is a hot chick who needs saving from an evil dude, and somehow all this typing and image-capturing somehow would rescue her right into my twin-sized bed.  But that would be lie.  Instead, I keep on fighting, not to protect the World of the Living, but for the name of fuck.  An all-out war was not about to begin.

Why the heck was the deal with Ichigo's random recap of the entire show at the start of thing?  Its not like there isn't enough recaps in this show already.  I do one, the Narrator does one, its complete insanity!  What, did the producers realize that Ichigo, the supposed hero of "Bleach" had been missing for nearly a month now?  They sure didn't have a problem during the Turn Back the Pendulum Arc.  I have no idea what to make of it.

Anyway, that's how "Bleach" 220 started, and honestly, it didn't really get much further than that.  Some episodes take off and crash, this is one that crashed into the side of the hanger while still on the ground.  Last week's episode was a true feast for your eyes.  This one was... a "Bleach" episode.  It was so unimpressive that I found no less than five days' worth of stuff to do before I even wrote the first word of this recap.  Ouch.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 219, Rock Lobster!

Holy crap!  This episode was AWESOME!

So I survived Hurricane Irene.  I saw at least one person was actually concerned about me, to which I'm thankful.  As it turns out, Irene was far too busy losing all her strength before reaching the New York City area to actually disrupt my life.  So not only was I completely unharmed the power stayed on, and indeed I even saw a movie last night, "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" - look for a review soon.  All we got here was a little rain, a few branches fell, and days and days of endless news reports and warnings that it turns out we didn't need at all.  It was a nasty storm, but not exactly a life-ender.  We got lucky here, that's clear.  And I can't help but think that God himself intervened in order to let me see this wonderful "Bleach" episode.  Yeah, this episode was that good that I consider its existence to be an act of God.  It was incredible.  As exciting as a hurricane is, "Bleach" this week was even more action-packed.

There hasn't been a fight scene this good since the Ichigo vs. Grimmjow episodes which were - what? - two years ago now?  Yeah, there have been a few good episodes here and there since then, but let's be honest:  pretty much every show I've recapped so far has been universally horrible.  Lately things have only been getting worse, last week's episode being an especially low point.  You know an episode has to be fucking lousy when I start wondering if I should end these recaps altogether.  And honestly, you wouldn't think last night's episode would be any better.  Mr. 69 fights a nameless Arrancar?  Hardly better than Kira fighting some other nameless enemy in terms of plot importance.  But that's not calculating the magic that can occur when suddenly the animators start to give a shit.  Suddenly you get an action scene with proper pacing, creative camera angles, and actual excitiment.

WHY CAN'T EVERY EPISODE BE LIKE THIS??  Why do we have to put up with bullshit every other Saturday of the year!?

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 218, Captain Buzzkill and the Letdowns

Alright, for a second I considered actually ending the "Bleach" recaps.  This show has gotten really terrible and boring really really fast, almost stunningly so.  Honestly, I don't think I have much more of this show left in me, I think I'll continue until Ichigo beat Ulquiorra and end it there.  So why am I continuing at all?  Well, one guy complained in the comments, and I feel bad.  If he had said "where is Bleach?" I might not have even considered going ahead.  But his complaint was such a silly demand, almost childish.  It was just "BLEACH.".  One word.  More of a heckle than an intelligent comment, but it spoke to me.  If honestly nobody cares to see these any more, please tell me.  This is turning into way more of a job than it should be, which is why you might see more of my schedule falling to pieces like it did this week.

Okay, as I mentioned, "Bleach" has gotten painfully boring.  "Bleach" 218 is just the most boring thing I can possibly imagine, to the point that I wish that we were back in the Amagai Arc.  Yeah, I know I say a lot that I like the fighting scenes, but this fighting scene is so utterly pointless.  Its between Kira, a character I don't like, and an Arrancar we met only two episodes ago.  He's nobody!  What is the point of this crap?  The Arrancar guy has no backstory, not all that much character, not a particularly interesting way of fighting, and ultimately, no purpose at all other than to give Kira an episode in which to do something.  And why would I want to watch a Kira episode?  Why would anybody?  Are there Kira fans out there?  Seriously, are there?  I can see them now, a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls writing furious death threats to Tite Kubo because Kira didn't get enough to do in the Aizen battle.  I can see it now:

"Tokyo News Special Report:  Famous manga author Tite Kubo was murdered today by a deranged fan dressed as a Soul Reaper.  The fan reportedly killed the author because his favorite character did not get to fight a minor disposable red shirt character in one the show's arcs.  Kubo is survived by his wife, a pair of fashionable sunglasses."

Actually, that sounds like something I'd want to see.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 217, The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert

Let me sum up "Bleach" 217 in one word:  gay.

So I'm not going to recap this one.  Its an entire episode based around Charlotte, the most offensively awful character ever made.  You take Dondochakka, Granz, Pesche, Princess Lampshade-hat, Jar Jar Binks, Tingle, Vaan, and throw in six Carmen Ghias for the right about of pure homosexuality, then you get Charlotte.  I physically could not watch for a single second.  Instead I watched "Married With Children" on Nickelodeon, that wasn't unrelentingly horrible.  I'd rather watch an marathon of Larry the Cable Guy movies.  On that thought, all you need to do is put Larry in a thong and you'll approximate the raw pain that comes from watching a single moment of this show.  I'd rather have the box set of the "Transformers" trilogy surgically sewn into my optic nerve so I can never see anything ever again but Michael Bay's filmmaking brilliance.

Hell, I'll dress up as Charlotte myself before watching him on TV.  At least that way I don't have to see it.

So the recap I'll give is this:  gay.  That's the only word I'll ever need to describe this episode.  Instead, I'll throw in a pic of all the "Bleach" girls standing around looking sexy.  I was going to go with the nude one, but I suspect somebody would get made at me if I did that.  Here's to next week, when "Bleach" might actually be watchable.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 215, Orihime Cures Insomnia

Oh look, I'm actually on time for once!

Well, tonight you'd think the war would start, right?  Well, you'd be wrong!  Because "Bleach" don't roll like that!  Instead we first gotta have the two sides standing around for an episode while Orihime makes a horrifically boring speech to eat up time so that Ichigo can save her.  Oh, then Ulquiorra makes bad touch on Orihime.  All around fun, I guess.  The best way is get through "Bleach" without losing your mind is to forget how much it sucks for a few minutes.  Simply let go of your mind.  Put it in a cabinet someplace.  Though you'll probably want to find it again before "DURRR" starts, because that's a show you'll need your brain for.  Make sure it becomes scarce again for "Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood", that's important.  Adult Swim Saturday nights are murder on your skull.

Oh, but the biggest new thing about "Bleach" this week is not that we've finally returned to the main plotline.  I guess that's interesting to some, but I have something far more monumental in mind.  NEW OPENING SONG!  Yes, from now on I never have to hear goddamn "Velonica" ever again.  The new song is called "Shoujo S", and its miles away the best opening to this show since the first one.  Not to mention that this opening animation is friggin' hot.  Orihime and Rukia are cutting it up on the dance floor in what ironically enough is the most fluid motions "Bleach" has ever created.  This is fitting because the original Japanese music video is SMOKIN' HOT.  Japanese girls, rain, school girl uniforms, electric guitars, ohhhhhhhhh...

Excuse me for a sec, I need to change my pants...

Konso Cop Karakurizer Recaps: Ep. 2, Rape is OK When Its Girl on Girl

Seriously.  Do we really need to watch this show, or can I simply skip to 12:30 and watch "Durarara!!", or as I like to call it "DURRR!!"?

Well, as it turns out, we can't.  Because much to my shock, this episode didn't suck half as much as I thought.  Even in the midsts of a bizarre Super Sentai parody show, "Bleach" actually managed to create a storyline that was semi-coherent that had a whole two funny moments, which is better than last week.  I still do not think that this duology of randomness was entirely necessary, but I can respect an attempt to write something that at least makes sense and barely links up with the larger plotline.  I still think Katakurizer is a complete non-sequitur that cannot possibly be canon with the rest of the "Bleach" universe, but this was okay enough.  The characters might be dressed as the Prince of Space, but this show tried its best.

Last week Kon was, for reasons still unclear to me, made into a cheesy Japanese superhero named "Karakurizer".  I don't entirely know what that means, or that significance the term "Konso Cop" adds to the title of these weird episodes.  Is Kon somehow a member of the Ethiopian Konso tribe?  Nobody ever asks these questions, I don't know why I have to be the one.  Anyway, Kon fought a 2D monster for some reason, then fought a bunch of dinosaurs.  Then a bunch of other characters turned out be superheros, and floating Doom Fortress beat up Nabashin from "Excel Saga".  At this point I finally went insane, turned into a poptart-cat and farted out a rainbow as I flew through the cosmos singing a catchy song.  Later I returned to human form, and started this recap.  (Also at some point I returned to the United States, in case you're keeping score on that one.)

Konso Cop Karakurizer Recaps: Ep. 1, What Is This? I Don't Even...

Did I actually watch an episode of "Bleach" or did I eat a bad falafel and hallucinate the entire thing?  Obviously whatever it was, it couldn't have been "Bleach", right?  Adult Swim must have suddenly canceled the show and replaced it with some other inferior show.  Maybe this is an elaborate prank created by the Internet to fool me, since I can't actually watch "Bleach" when it airs.  Either I have finally lose my mind, or the universe fundamentally is a place without logic or reason.  Ultimately, I don't think there can be an explanation for what I witnessed.  Its a bizarre literary mystery that will be studied forever by endless scholars in desperate attempts to construct an explanation for its existence.  Did James Joyce write this episode?  I bet he hopes he did, because "Finnegans Wake" has got nothing on the Karakurizer.  Heck, a collection of Jackson Pollock paintings bound together in a flip book would make a more coherent episode of television.

In order to unravel a great mystery, one must begin by stating the facts that we know.  This can create a rational basis by which we can stand while dealing with the horribly horribly irrational.  Obviously this is a filler episode.  It stars Kon, and shows what happened to him while Ichigo was away fighting in Hueco Mundo.  At some point Kon is given a ridiculous Japanese suit and has to fight monsters... I think.  This might be a tongue in cheek reference to crappy Japanese superhero shows like... um... that show "Power Rangers" is based off.  Don't ask me to actually remember its name.  I would like to extrapolate a bit further by saying that this episode is possibly a parody and sucked on purpose but I feel that might be falling right into Studio Perriot's trap here.  Unless Studio Perriot hates shows like "G-Force" as much as I do, I really don't think I'll be in on the joke this time.

Well anyway... somehow or another, I'll recap "Konso Cop Karakurizer".  ...You have no idea how much it hurts to type that stupidity.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 212, Star Chamber

...And we're back online.  More "Bleach".  This is by far the latest I've done a recap, something I'll have to apologize for.  I was a bit busy having fun in Jerusalem's downtown, taking breathtaking hikes through some of the most beautiful places on Earth, sending a letter to my little cousin at the Western Wall, and totally striking out a few times with chicks (those bitches).  All together, best goddamn vacation of my life, I'll say.  Now I've entered what is phase 2 of my Israeli adventure, which I suspect will be a Hell of a lot more relaxed than the crazy high-paced speed of the last ten days.  That means I can finally catch up on all the anime I've missed.  I want to hear some applause right now from you folks.  You're all the best.

This is the last episode of the Turn Back the Pendulum Arc, what has to be by far the shortest season of "Bleach" ever.  Of course, nobody actually knows how "Bleach" decides its in a new season - the last seven years of "Bleach" somehow add up to fifteen seasons.  Being a really really short season, I can't help but feel that the conclusion was rushed and rather weak.  We build up to a big action climax... which lasts thirty seconds.  Aizen just kinda goes home after ravaging the ranks of the Soul Society, and that's it.  Tomorrow its business as usual.  Ultimately the thing they were showing us in this flashback just was not worth eight episodes.  Maybe two.  The only surprise is that Tosen used to be an alien, that's it.

Well on that rather negative note, let's move on:

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 211, Aizen's First Inaugural Address

Wow this season went fast.  Did you know that next week is the last episode of this Turn Back the Pendulum Arc?  Right now we got Aizen giving his entire crazy explanation for everything that has happened so far.  Meaning that, yes, as I feared, this entire season only really tells us how the Visoreds were created, and it was Aizen.  Unless next week can somehow manage a good twist at the end, like Urahara suddenly making out with Aizen after the fighting is over, I really doubt this entire season will have been worth seeing at all.  Its just storyline fluff:  the whole flashback tale could have been told in two episodes if so needed.  Whatever, filler is filler, I guess.

Last week Captain 69 and Mashiro turned into Visoreds and went totally berserk and crazy.  Mashiro especially got down on a new level of break-dancing spinning-kick funk so out of this world that it cracked Rose's head right open.  The Soul Reapers were unable to stand their ground against a blazin' sweet funk so far out.  But now the weird pink-haired fat man has a plan:  use the poorly-defined magic spells of the "Bleach" universe to win!  He's only second in command of whatever the "Kido Corps" is, so he should be a master Black Mage.  And that's where the fight stands now.  For some reason the three Captains here are not using their Bankais... and nobody is bothering to explain why.  This always bugs me - its not like Goku ever held back his Super Saiyan against a tough opponent.

At the start of episode 211, Captain Shunsui is walking around for an ill-defined reason.  He spots Aizen walking around on his balcony, seemingly doing paperwork.  And... um... that's it.  I don't know why he's up or what this scene is supposed to accomplish.  Will Shunsui even effect the events to come?  Of course not.  So why are we wasting time with him!?

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 210, Auxahra

This is where the job gets difficult.  Last Saturday's "Bleach"... happened.  It was all in all probably the least interesting episode of the show in awhile, proving to be completely infertile for me in terms of jokes or sarcastic comments.  I spent about an hour yesterday trying to come up with a name for this post, and failing.  Then I went to see "Green Lantern", what probably will turn out to be the worst movie I'll see all year, and suddenly recaping "Bleach" was at the very bottom of my priority list.  So I'll just get this recap out of the way and move to reviewing something more inspiring.

Last week Captain 69 and the rest of his Boy Band got attacked by some kind even force that looked something like Tosen's Bankai.  This week we see Captain Yamamoto be a dick, and then send out every single person who will be a future Visored in an extremely transparent plot-twist that is guaranteed to turn them into Visoreds.  Also we learn that Tessai, Urahara's assistant/male prostitute was formally a vampire.  I really could not make this shit up if I tried.

So the episode starts with Soul Society-wide alert.  Squad 9's Spiritual Pressure has disappeared.  Apparently the Gotei 13 could sense this kind of thing back 101 years ago - a trick that might have been useful back when Aizen was fake-murdered in Season 2.  Urahara immediately regrets sending Hiyori, because it turns out that the threat is actually serious.  They were having a weird kind of romantic moment last episode, and I can't decide if that's pedophilia or not.  I mean, Hiyori is treated like an adult, but she has the body of a nine-year-old.  And the maturity of a six-year-old.  Well, Urahara is right to be afraid because Hiyori is attacked by something with red eyes.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 209, Hollowsaurus

Last week's episode was fairly decent.  This week's episode is good too.  The difference is plot movement.  Because the Turn Back the Pendulum Arc is a self-contained story, single episodes can actually cause major twists in the narrative.  This is unlike the main "Bleach" storyline, where individual episodes usually boil down to "hero #18" is fighting "villain #34".  Because of how huge the scale that "Bleach" has reached at this point, it is almost impossible for any one thing to really matter in the long run.  In a mini arc, a new threat can be revealed and actually create dramatic weight.  Episode 209 introduces the first real threat to the Visored characters we've met, and so its pretty okay.  Thumbs up.

Last week ended with a bunch of dudes screaming.  We now find out they're actually melting or something, and they spit up some up weird gravity-defying vomit.  This effect looks far too much like that completely forgettable horror movie "The Haunting in Connecticut", a movie which bet its entire fortune on the idea that puking upsidedown would scare the living Jesus out of me.  (Hint:  it didn't.  Virginia Madsen deserves better than this.)  Well, it turns out that these random dudes have puked so much that they exploded... somehow.  Two evil people - obviously Aizen and Gin - have an umbrella open to block the gore.  Aizen is very happy.  Then he jizzes all over the title card.  Fucking gross, man!

Obviously the rest of this episode is going to deal with finding out why these people exploded, who exploded them, and all that assorted stuff.  Or a monster of some kind will attack.  Works either way.  But first, we must get some character banter between our Soul Society characters from 101 years ago.  Sadly Yoruichi is nowhere to be found, but we do have Shinji, Urahara, and Hiyori.  Which means the inevitable logical conclusion - somebody is going to get hurt.

Bleach Recaps: Ep 208, The Ministry of Love

For the first time in weeks, honestly all year, I actually missed an episode of "Bleach".  I'm busy this week, posts are going to be hard to work out.  Once upon a time, that would mean that I was screwed and would have to wait for a rerun to see the episode I missed.  But now that we live in the great prosperity that is the Future, I can just go on the Internet, play the episode on one of the dozens of possibly illegal sites that upload full "Bleach" episodes.  And they're also the sites that I steal screenshots from.  The Future is awesome.

Last episode Lt. Hiyori, perhaps furious over the failure of the plot to move at all, kept kicking people in the face over and over again.  Now things start to happen a bit.  We're going to the Maggot's Nest, a scary-sounding place of some kind of another.  Urahara spends about five minutes explaining various bits and pieces about Soul Society politics.  The Soul Society Ninja Force are under the control of Yoruichi and Squad 2 (which we knew already).  The Maggot's Nest is a secret prison hidden underground in the Squad 2 barracks, which Urahara used to run before becoming Captain*.  This is the place where they hold disgruntled Soul Reapers who wanted to quit.  Apparently you cannot ever quit the Gotei 13, and if you try to retire, you're locked away in prison forever.  Also, if you're the guy who runs the Maggot's Nest, you get to arrest potential troublemakers, before they ever commit a single crime.  Um... am I the only one noticing a problem with all this?

So as it turns out, the Soul Society is a vicious dictatorship with a secret prison filled with people who have committed no crime at all.  And remember, the Soul Reapers are the good guys.  Also, it appears to me that Urahara could have arrested anybody he wanted back when he was Warden, even Yamamoto himself.  No trials, no appeals, no chance for release, nobody even knows where you are, you're just put in a hole and forgotten about.  Enjoy your stay in the Ministry of Love.  Did you know that North Korea's justice system is based off of the Soul Society?

Bleach Recaps: Ep 207, A Boot To the Face

I know the Turn Back the Pendulum Arc isn't technically filler crap like we've seen before, but Episode 207 sure did try its hardest to make me forget.  This is because the "Bleach" anime right now is trying to make twenty-two minutes of television out of twenty-one pages of comic.  Episode 207 here is made from the Bleach Chapter -107*, which you can find online and read thought in about three minutes.  You know those recaps at the start of every episode?  Yeah, the average weekly Bleach comic isn't that much longer.  This means that this entire season is going to made out of only twelve issues of Bleach comics, and that's not a lot of material.  So there is going to be a lot of filler here.

Tonight's episode is a perfect example, because the only part that actually comes from a comic panel is the first two minutes and the last two minutes.  The rest is Lt. Hiyori, the bratty Visored, repeatedly kicking Urahara in the face.  Then she punches him in the face.  If you really love Hiyori, congratulations, this will be the best episode of "Bleach" yet.  Also, if you love Urahara, I guess you're in luck too - if you hate him you'll be just as happy.  Also if you have a disturbing interest in Squad 12 politics, my God, you will be raving about this episode for the rest of your life.  Oh, speaking of Squad 12, even though that place is currently filled with monsters and human-bombs, Captain Insano hasn't joined with them yet, so its a far less entertaining place.  Its basically Squad 3 from the Amagai Arc, two named characters and a full deck of nobodies.

So Episode 207 basically sucked.  Here's the recap:

Bleach Recaps: Ep 206, Forward to the Past

Last week we had the great misfortune of having to deal the final death coughs of the Amagai Arc. Now we move forward into the next true season of "Bleach".  This newest season is a break from tradition in that it is a jump to the past, back when Urahara and Yoruichi were both Soul Reapers.  Aizen was but a lowly lieutenant, and most of the main characters we've come to know and love were not even born yet.  So yeah, Ichigo is not stealing the plotline this time.

Now some of you might have died of a heart attack and despair last week when it seemed like this episode was another filler thing.  Oh, but you are mistaken.  This is not anime filler, this is actually manga filler.  Tite Kubo decided to make a whole arc about the past of the Visoreds (or Vizard, nobody can decide what they're called).  You see, every one of the Visoreds from Shinji on down were Soul Reapers before... something happened.  What happened?  I don't know, but it probably has something to do with Aizen.  And I suppose this means that the Visoreds are essential characters and this new trip to the past will completely shift my viewpoint of this universe, "Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep" style.  Everything we once knew is up for grabs!  A twist beyond twists is on its way, right?  Maybe Aizen isn't actually all that evil, or Shinji is really a bad guy, or we'll find out what the deal with Ichigo's dad is, or something.  Maybe?  ...Please?

Please God, "Bleach", don't dick us around for these episodes.  Whatever you're trying to reveal here, it better be damn worth it.  I don't want to spend a whole season only to learn that Aizen created the Visoreds in a silly experiment and that's it.  Also, this would be a great time to actually give these characters something to do, because I'm not sure Tite Kubo will find room in the giant clustfuck that will be the battle in Fake Karakura Town.

Bleach Recaps: Ep 205, Kemari Damacy

Of all the episodes of "Bleach" that I have seen I'll say that this one was.... an episode.  It definitely happened.  Bleach 205 certainly ran from midnight to 12:30 last night.  And um... that's really it.

Last week the fandom of "Bleach" collectively despaired when Princess Lampshade-hat and her two idiot guardians, Kenryu and Howie Mandel returned to the story.  These characters were created exclusively for the Amagai Arc, also known as the WORST GODDAMN SEASON OF ANY SHOW EVER, and so seeing them return leaves us all with a sense of UNBEARABLE MURDEROUS HATE-RAGE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!  This week's episode is another episode about those three idiots, except this time they're playing soccer.  Oh wait, didn't we already have a filler soccer episode back in season 7?  Yeah we did, "Bleach"'s filler is so out of ideas that its ripping off itself now.  And actually, that soccer episode wasn't that bad, since it featured Ichigo's oft-forgotten little sister, Karen.  Now its about characters we didn't give a shit about months ago.  Can't they do another sport?  No baseball?  Football?  Mud wrestling?  Personally there is no way on Earth that this episode could have been good, unless this happens, and it doesn't.

Amazingly, the writers of this show suck so bad, they can't even fill all twenty-four minutes of their show with this idea.  Because at the beginning, they start with a massive two minute recap, as if anybody gives a shit what happened last week.  Does anybody care what happens this week either?  Am I the only one watching right now?  Why the Hell am I even doing this???  ...I think I could spend the rest of my life searching, but I will never find the answer to that question.

Bleach Recaps: Ep 204, FLCLimax

Last week we ended with the beginning of a glorious start of the ultimate battle for ultimate destiny.  So obviously this week's episode should be the explosive, the most exciting, and the most unbelievably awesome battle you've ever seen.  This should be an epic struggle that will be so unbelievable that you'll tell your grandkids that you were there.  You were watching TV when "Bleach" fought the good fight.  And they will stare at you in awe.  Tonight's episode should be nothing short of magnificence.  Its the kind of thing that you just needs some kind of crazy incomprehensible Latin choral song with a full screaming orchestra:

O fortuna!  Futune plago vulnera.
Audi famam illus!  Solos in hostes ruit! 
SEPHIROTH!  SEPHIROTH! 
CORN ON THE COB!!  CORN ON THE KABOB!

...Yeah, something like that.

So I'll just go to Cartoon Network now and prepare myself to be stunned by the spectacle to the point of manly tears.  My brain is ready to orgasm right now.  Whatever it is, it has to be awesome.  Yup, can't possibly go wrong...