Super 8

"Super 8" is the kind of movie that so almost works its painful.  Somewhere inside this movie (actually roughly the first thirty minutes) is a really good film that I'd recommend without a thought.  Half of this movie is a classic "Stand By Me" story of children growing up in the American suburbs.  Someplace else is a monster movie.  These two concepts do not belong together in this movie.  I really don't know why J.J. Abrams thought to try to remake "E.T." by replacing the alien with a monster that eats people.  But then, I also don't know why Abrams constantly refused all movie to ever let you see the monster.  Its a decent kid's movie, a horrible awful monster movie.

Me and J.J. Abrams don't have a very close relationship.  For one, I've never met the man and I don't believe we've ever been in the same state at one time.  But also, the movies he makes are never things I ever like.  "Cloverfield" comes back again and again on this blog as easily the most infuriating SciFi movie that's been made in the last decade.  You barely ever see the monster, shakey-camera, all the best action sequences happen off-camera, the movie explains nothing, the characters are awful, etc.  Then there's "Lost", a terrible show that pretended to be deep by conjuring up armor of mysteries and clues, only for it all fall down and eventually prove to be completely hollow and pointless.  "Star Trek" was a straight-forward space opera movie, and I can ultimate respect that.  I didn't really love "Star Trek", but it was okay.  For some reason or another Abrams decides to bring back some of the worst features of "Cloverfield" here.

"Super 8", however, is a much much better movie than "Cloverfield" thanks entirely to its cast.  J.J. Abrams shines in directing the small emotional kid's story, with expert casting and a brilliant script.  Then he fails completely when it comes to the monster movie.  The love letter to late 70s/early 80s small town life is far more effective than the love letter to the SciFi films of the period.  Why did this need to be a monster movie at all?

E3 2011 Reactions

Here's some truth for ya:  this is the first and last year I'm going to get so excited for any E3.  I got hard core, watched all the trailers, wrote up an entire pre-show post, and everything.  Now I can basically conclude that it was all a waste of time.  You know how bad it got?  I actually sat watching the GameSpot live-feed of the Sony conference, listening to some Used Car Salesman in an ugly suit tell me how great the PlayStation Move is going to be.  It was at that point that I realized that I had reached a brand new low.  Me, in front of a computer showing a blurry video of some corporate piece of shit spill meaningless crap with his hands folded like a Bond villain.  "Never again" I told myself - and I meant it.

Alright, I'll try to not be so negative for a second.  Negativity is probably the number two issue with the so-called "gamer culture" right now, the number one problem the ludicrous concept that you need to belong to an exclusive click of nerds in order to play "Half-Life 2".  So let's be positive.  Give love instead of hate.  "Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword" was everything I wanted and more.  And there's an new one on its way for the Nintendo Wii U.  "Final Fantasy XIII-2" seems determined to correct the many mistakes of its predecessor, starting with adding Moogles for extra fun.  And there were at least three more games that looked really great.  The PlayStation Vista Vita has potential, as does the Wii U.  Finally, that chick in the "Bioshock Infinite" trailer has some huge.... lightning bolts.

But E3 really was a mixed bag for me.  Half of the games I really wanted to see more of weren't there at all, and there were only one or two surprises that caught my eye.  The rest was... "Halo 4".  The kind of meaningless mediocrity you'd see staffing a DMV.  Read on for more.

Twilight 4 Trailer

You are cordially invited.

In case you haven't been following around, I am a huge fan of mocking the Twilight movies.  It all has been leading up to this one great moment, the time when the facade of teen-romance fantasies comes crashing down to its very illogical conclusion.  Vampire babies!  Bella grows a hideous dhampir creature inside her belly after some wild extremely un-PG-13 sex with Edward.  The results are horrifying, and hilarious.  I greatly recommend finding "Breaking Dawn" in your local bookstore, skipping over to the chapter where Bella gives birth, and reading that for your amusement.  Then put that wretched book down and read something else.

In the spirit of humor, I'll now give a small breakdown of this first ridiculous trailer, because watching it is as much fun as watching these ridiculous movies.  I never really have done a trailer breakdown before... sounds intriguing.  But the question is, which will break first?  This trailer, or my own fragile psyche?

0:00 - 0:05 - The Motion Picture Association of America has seen this trailer.  It is approved for "Appropriate Audiences", whatever that means.  What's an "Inappropriate Audience"?  Somebody pleasuring themselves to this thing?  Because I rather suspect the Twilight fans are doing that right now.

0:06 - 0:11 - Summit Entertainment logo.  This holds no interest to anybody.

Bleach Recaps: Ep 207, A Boot To the Face

I know the Turn Back the Pendulum Arc isn't technically filler crap like we've seen before, but Episode 207 sure did try its hardest to make me forget.  This is because the "Bleach" anime right now is trying to make twenty-two minutes of television out of twenty-one pages of comic.  Episode 207 here is made from the Bleach Chapter -107*, which you can find online and read thought in about three minutes.  You know those recaps at the start of every episode?  Yeah, the average weekly Bleach comic isn't that much longer.  This means that this entire season is going to made out of only twelve issues of Bleach comics, and that's not a lot of material.  So there is going to be a lot of filler here.

Tonight's episode is a perfect example, because the only part that actually comes from a comic panel is the first two minutes and the last two minutes.  The rest is Lt. Hiyori, the bratty Visored, repeatedly kicking Urahara in the face.  Then she punches him in the face.  If you really love Hiyori, congratulations, this will be the best episode of "Bleach" yet.  Also, if you love Urahara, I guess you're in luck too - if you hate him you'll be just as happy.  Also if you have a disturbing interest in Squad 12 politics, my God, you will be raving about this episode for the rest of your life.  Oh, speaking of Squad 12, even though that place is currently filled with monsters and human-bombs, Captain Insano hasn't joined with them yet, so its a far less entertaining place.  Its basically Squad 3 from the Amagai Arc, two named characters and a full deck of nobodies.

So Episode 207 basically sucked.  Here's the recap:

E3 2011 Christmas List

So its now late spring again, which means only one thing:  it is time once again for that incredible video game expo that involves an 'E' and a number that is an 'E' backwards.  Yes, its E3 time.  Where all the biggest video game manufacturers deliberately misrepresent their products in order to excite one half of their fanbases and cause the other half to continuously bitch for roughly fifteen months.  And of course, about 10% of the stuff will never get released at all, going up to that big GameStop in the sky along with "Pirates of the Caribbean: Armada of the Dead" and "Starcraft: Ghost".  Naturally of course, I will never ever be bothered to go to this place, because it sounds like the single most awful, crowded, and loud place on Earth*.  So instead of actually going, I'll just write a list of stuff I want to see, so that I can be properly disappointed when its over.  And then I too can join the rest of my video game-playing brothers in bitching endlessly.

And thanks to Square Enix, I can be disappointed already.  Their line-up for this show isn't actually a Square Enix line-up, its the devoured studio Eidos in disguise.  No Kingdom Hearts.  No Dragon Quest.  No Final Fantasy aside for "Final Fantasy XIII-2", a quick cash-in sequel to a game I didn't want to play the first time around (but maybe they can get it right this time, eh?).  I mean, if you love "Tomb Raider", you'll be happy.  But I distinctly remember "Type-Zero" and "Kingdom Hearts 3D" being promised for this show.  Then again, SE might not even exist in a few years at the rate they're going, so I'll move on now.

Ultimately the sad fact is that I'm just a guy who relies entirely on some company or another to decide my gaming fate.  I might dream of  "Sheik: the Game" but it will never happen until Nintendo decides to actually make it.  I am at their mercy.  So here I'll just recap whatever games are coming up that I think are particularly interesting, and perhaps might pepper in some random idea for a game that exists only in my head.  Read on if you're interested.  But know this:  there is no way in Hell that "Modern Warfare 3" will ever appear on this list.