Top 15 or 30 Movies of 2019

2019 was the year Disney conquered the box office to an obscene extent. The most popular movie of the year was indisputably Avengers: End Game, a world-eater that sucked in all gravity for months. My experience with that movie though was pain. I fell down the stairs on my back just before leaving to go see it. Luckily since my spine wasn’t split in half, so I had the fortune of watching in intense agony. (I’m fine, don’t worry.) Let that be your metaphor for my year at the movies. It's a theater full of fans weeping and cheering. Then I’m in the front row, grimacing and half-conscious, trying not to groan too loudly.

Avengers: End Game did not make the Top 15. It didn’t get close. Despite my injury it was decently entertaining. But it was uneven, was like three different contradictory movies at once, and the action climax looked terrible. Actually, none of Disney’s major blockbusters made it. Only one got even an Honorable Mention. I might have been too kind when I thought Star Wars Episode IX was barely passable. Frozen II was fun but hollow. I didn’t even bother to see the CG remake of Lion King. But the movie that sums up Disney for me was Spider-Man: Far from Home. It was safe, uncontroversial, and proudly unimportant. Why would anybody want to see that movie when last year's Into the Spider-Verse is better, bolder, and braver in every single way?

That's what I'm looking for, ultimately. I want originality. I want ambition. I want a movie that can never be replicated. A unique experience. Those experiences can still be found and even if general audiences just want cookie-cutter, originality might be more plentiful than ever. Foreign films have a better chance of getting a wide release and critical interest. Anime films have a proven audience and are much easier to find. There was room in the schedule for Quentin Tarantino and Martin Scorsese to still do their things. Audiences were there. A classic parlor murder movie was one of the big hits of the fall. Netflix actually released good movies. Will one make the Top 15? Let's find out. And of course, the indie horror moment is as fruitful as ever.

2019 was a year where you could have had anything in the theaters. There was a movie for you. You don’t need to settle for what’s safe and familiar. Even if you just want a superhero movie, you could see over a dozen alternatives, from tiny movies like Fast Color to colorful spectacles like Promare. I've decided I deserve more than just the Disney slate. I wish more of you would decide to deserve more too.

Going for a Hike With Death Stranding

Death Stranding happened to come out at just the right time in the year. Here in the Northern Hemisphere this really annoying thing happens around November where it gets cold for six months. I live in a great section of New Jersey where there's a lot of beautiful parks on hills with views down to Manhattan. On a clear day you can see the new skyscrapers going up that will one day be filled with the laundered money of Russian oligarchs. Anyway, that weird climate change thing we have around Halloween ruins hiking for me. Luckily though, Death Stranding is a hiking simulator. So if I can't explore nature in the real world, I can explore simulated environments on my PS4.

This past Saturday we had the last nice day of the year, and indeed the decade. It was a decent 50 degrees with no rain. I had to take this opportunity to use my legs. There's a spot not far from my house I just discovered. Take the outer trail and pass ponds and a sheer cliff face from where humans violently tore the ridge open to build some condos. (Also, if you slip through a hole in the fence, you can find a shack covered in graffiti where teenagers do weed.) It was while I was using my physical legs I had time to think about Death Stranding and why I hadn't reviewed it yet. Because while I loved being outdoors, I found myself a bit lonely. I was missing the single best thing of Death Stranding's experience.

Your main enemy in Death Stranding is steep terrain and your main tool is your body. It's a game where you feel the weight of a massive backpack. Carrying that weight down a steep hill is not a simple task. No, it's a complex strategic balance of knowing your character, Sam Bridges' limits. How much can his back can tilt before he falls over, how high can he hop other his obstacle, and when it is actually safest to run. He can twist his back in ways that horrify me while carrying 100 kilos of weight. But he can't safely jump down anything without falling over his ass. While the real me was inching down a steep hill with my non-digital meat legs this weekend, I was making the same moves as Sam. Do I dare slip on these leaves? Do I cut left to avoid this pack of mud? Do I grab this tree to steady myself? There's a full kinesthetic simulation within Death Stranding. That's impressive enough, but the game insists on also having a story and enemies.

Frozen II: A Bad Sequel, A Great Show

*No direct spoilers are coming, but I allude to spoilers, so you were warned*

Somewhere in the middle of Frozen II there is a solo song for Kristoff, Princess Anna’s reindeer-riding boyfriend from the first movie. It is the easily worst song of the movie. Kristoff has very little to do in the middle of this sequel’s complicated pile of plotlines. So Frozen II creates tension for him so he is not completely forgotten. His problem is an irritating running gag of being unable to propose successfully to Anna due to a variety of unfunny misunderstandings. (Think Spider-Man 3.) As Anna deals with her sister’s magical crisis and her kingdom’s colonialist legacy, poor Kristoff and his Disney Ending ambitions are left behind, forgotten. So, he feels bad. And he sings.

A better version of Frozen II would build something off this conflict. The Frozen II we got took this moment to do a five-minute parody of overwrought Nineties love ballads a la Richard Marx or Bryan Adams. Think that godawful song your mom might have listened to from the soundtrack of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I think I was the only one in my audience who got the joke, and even I didn’t find it very funny. It’s a waste of time.

But the thing is, while this whole plot and this whole idea are mistakes, it isn’t a terrible song. It’d be pretty damn great on its own. Kristoff gets shafted by the complicated web of Frozen II’s many plotlines, but of course he would. Kristoff is least memorable cast member. I had to google “Frozen reindeer boyfriend” to remember his name when I was writing this review. Frozen II’s audience of little girls and late twenties men who are little girls in their hearts want to see Else be triumphant and hit high notes.

Problems and all, goddamn me if she doesn’t hit those notes and my spirit still soared. Frozen II is a movie so well-made that comparing it to 90s Direct to Video Disney sequels is downright offensive. No, it isn’t perfect and it isn’t nearly as good as the original. But there’s something powerful here. It’s a messy mixed-bag of a movie that fills me with a lot of emotions, positive and negative. But whatever those emotions are, I feel A LOT THEM.

E3 2019 Steam of Consciousness

I always like to save my E3 reaction posts for slightly after the prime time for clicks. This could have been up two days ago and gotten a bit more traction, but I refuse to let hype overwhelm me. I will savor the E3 announcements for just a small time to get the most sophisticated #takes. I will hold out for the hope that somewhere there is news on the showfloor for some amazing game that wasn't wildly reported on.

But instead I'll end up talking at length about mostly the same shit that everybody does cause I'm not that special. We'll get to the Final Fantasy VII Remake, you can skip these intro paragraphs if you need.

The rule with these E3 Reaction posts is that whether it is here or not is not a sign of quality. I have one game here that I truly hate. But rather it is here because I can talk about it at length. If all I can say is "it looks like more Ori and the Blind Forest" or "it's DOOM again" that doesn't mean I'm not hyped. Hollow Knight: Silksong is my everything. But it does mean I don't have anything to say, so I'll not waste your time. It also means I can skip things that totally don't interest me on any level like Halo or to be brutally honest, Animal Crossing. Finally turns out I had nothing to say about that Kingdom Hearts III DLC except this: make Kairi playable. We do have dozens of games to talk about though, so don't feel left out.

And just to hold back on your anticipation for just one more moment, let us mourn all those exciting games that didn't make it to the show this year: Ghosts of Tsushima, The Last of Us 2,  that Metal Wolf Chaos remake, Bayonetta 3, Metroid Prime 4, The Last Night, Beyond Good and Evil 2, The Pathless, Solar Ash Kingdom, Gears Tactics, Shin Megami Tensei V, whatever Rocksteady is making, Celeste Chapter 9 DLC, that Switch port of Mother 3 that exists in all our hearts, and most tragically, my Game of E3 2018, Tunic.

Anyway, now to talk about that thing you want me to talk about:

Game of Thrones is a Game of Misery

The hype that was promised! The two Clegane brothers stand off. Finally after fifteen years of fan speculation and memes, we are here. The Cleganebowl. And could we have a more exciting backdrop? A city burning to ash under the fury of a mad dragon queen. The very Red Keep itself crumbling beneath their feet. But none of that matters compared to the raw anger within the hearts of these two knights, living and undead. This is a battle beyond life, death, justice, or sanity. Pure masculine hatred is all right here for your viewing pleasure.

And it is fucking miserable. All of it, just unpleasant and awful. What a waste.

There is no point to giving Game of Thrones any credit that the last episode could possibly redeem what has happened in Season 8. The latest episode, The Bells, broke whatever hope I had. There is no final episode that could possibly make me happy any longer. In some ways, that train left the station many seasons ago. Some shows jump the shark, Game of Thrones rapes it. Remember Sansa and Ramsay? That was real bad, and I still haven't forgiven you, show. But I've been along for the ride, through all the ups and downs. I still wanted to see how it ended. At this point, we're watching the ending now and it doesn't matter what happens anymore. I don't care. This is miserable, miserable by design.

We could spend thousands of words here going through every little detail of every little mistake that has piled up into this car crash of a season. You can take your pick really. The choice to cut these last two seasons down to thirteen episodes has been a complete disaster. This latest season has been a near total failure thanks almost entirely to the writing. Character arcs are total botches, plot points have been forgotten, major villains have been let downs, battle scenes have been so badly shot you can't even see them, and I could keep going forever. Everybody was excited to see how Game of Thrones was going to end. Well, everybody except for showrunners, Benioff and Weiss, whose decisions this last season feel like the halfhearted work of two guys who put in their two week notice already. The themes are lost, the characters are wasted, and none of it means anything anymore. All that's left are surprises, horrible horrible surprises.