Sunday, February 7, 2010

A Solution to America's Problems

Hello, Space Monkees!

The United States of America, largely by the random draw of fate, just so happens to be my homeland.  It isn't a perfect country, but its certainly not a bad one.  (There are certain parts, like Detroit and the South, that are very unpleasant, I will admit.)  It has really everything I could need:  McDonalds, Disney World, movie theatres, the kick-ass ice cream of Magic Fountain at 907 Broadway Bayonne, New Jersey, and a colorful political scene that will keep me entertained for many years.  Also it has, you know, my entire family and all my friends and pretty much everybody I've ever cared for... that too, I guess.  What I'm trying to say is that I'm rather fond of this polity.  Ah, who am I kidding?  I love the big lovable goof!  Oh, America, you might trip a lot because China keeps tying your shoelaces together, but I'll still be laughing--with you, of course, not at you.

However, if I were going to say that things are going particularly well lately, I'd be a liar.  We're stuck in two wars, the buying power of the middle class is constantly shrinking, and the government can't seem to ever get its affairs in order.  The standard of living has declined in this country, that's a fact.  Back in the 50s, families could buy a new model car every year, and that's on the income of only one working parent.  Today, with both parents in the work force thanks to economic necessity, you'll be lucky to get a new car every decade.  And it won't be a nice one.  I know we now have Obama Magic to back us up, but what can you do against a trend like that?  People have been bemoaning the fall of this country's greatness for an entire generation, and not without a basis to their fears.  Obviously a radical solution is in order.  Yes, we need something drastic.

And I think I have the solution:  sugar, spice, and everything nice.  Plus one extra ingredient:  chemical X.

(bump, bump, ba-bump-a-bump)

Yes its the Powerpuff Girls!  Just what the doctor ordered!

Clearly only the superpowers of three little girls with no noses, fingers, and freakish bug-eyes are what America needs to become great again.  In an age of supervillains (which is exactly what Osama Bin Ladin is) we need to counteract the problem with superheroes.  And what superheroes are more powerful than the Powerpuffs?  They have all the powers of Superman, without actually being Superman - which is perfect!  I hate Superman!  In a single flash of superpowers, these perfect little girls can defeat Al Queda, balance the budget, bring back our manufacturing sector, and stop pretentious, nihilistic crap like "the Reader" from getting nominated Best Picture.  Plus, they can defeat any giant fish monsters that come out of the oceans to defeat us.

Yup, we definitely need you girls, wherever you are.  Please come back to us, Powerpuff Girls.  The day needs to be saved, once again.

(Or if they're not available, we can always Dial M for Monkey.)


  1. I miss the old CN, and the old Nikelodion, and the old Disney.....................HOW COME EVERYTHING NEW SUCKS!?

  2. Hey Blue, why do you hate Superman?

  3. You're a weird one, Blue.

    When I was a kid, if I mentioned that I loved PowerPuff Girls in front of my friends, they would isolate me, calling it a "girl cartoon". Yet, here you are, openly loving it.

    As for the Girls, I do think we should have them around, BUT have them team-up with Dexter's Family. Remember that episode where Dexter told his parents about his Lab, and then they made a Voltron-like robot to kill a monster? Then, Monkey saved them from almost defeat.

    Wow.... the girls, Monkey, and Dexter's family. Those 8 are our only hope.

  4. Xepscern: Other kids actually made fun of you for watching The Powerpuff Girls? In my school, almost everyone watched it. Heck, there were probably more boys than girls watching it. It was one of the better superhero cartoons. In fact, the only better ones that come to my mind are Batman: The Animated Series and Batman Beyond. Static Shock was also good, but Powerpuff Girls was better, I think.

  5. We can't forget Mermaidman and Barnacleboy! Or am I the only one who still watches the old Spongebobs?

    I especially liked the episode (of Spongebob) where all of the main characters become superheroes. I'd like to see them and the Powerpuff Grls and Dexter and maybe Ed, Edd, and Eddy fighting crime in the streets.

    Comic-Book-superhero-wise, I'm more of a Marvel fan, but after The Dark Knight, who really can't say that Batman is the greatest superhero ever?

  6. As we go forward in time, the quality of cartoons seems to decline. To wit: find something better than Bugs Bunny. You can't, can you?

  7. Choosing the PP girls over your mindless army of Space Monkees... *scoff*

  8. superman would be rendered useless if a super villain such as Montgomery Burns were to block out our yellow sun.
    The power puff girls would just keep on going!

  9. Powerpuff Girls was better than Spongebob Squarepants. I always felt that Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy were rip offs of that one episode of Powerpuff Girls with all the old, retired superheroes who decide to come out of retirement.

  10. @Nicholas
    Exhibit A: Ben 10

  11. i saw a lot of super hero cartoons. what did the movies do? spiderman wasent some whiney loser. supermans cartoon was good better than his fucking movies how did they do it?
    altough there is one good batman episode form brave and the bold the chill of the night you sould see it a bit better than the old cartoon

    spell fail