Ranking the Kingdom Hearts III Re:Mind Superbosses

I actually wrote this post back in February. Like many projects in my life, it has sat unfinished in a forgotten place, becoming more and more forgotten. So for whatever reason, it is being released now. Dusted off with a new intro. Enjoy.

Kingdom Hearts has never quite gotten the respect it deserves in terms of gameplay. A lot of that comes from the series' generally ease in difficulty. They rarely require you to master them. Kingdom Hearts lets you be a clumsy fool to beat most Heartless. That's fun. I love jamming the Square button and seeing monsters disappear in puffs of particle effects. Sora's combos are pretty automatic and basically solve themselves. But while you can see end credits this way, you're not seeing everything Kingdom Hearts truly is. You're not learning the system, you're sloppily overpowering it. Really learning an action game can't just be easy victories. It takes pain. This is why the ruthless Dark Souls is the most feared and worshiped franchise in gaming today. They are all pain.

Is there pain in Kingdom Hearts? Oh yes. Plenty. That pain hides in the post-game Superbosses. That's when your mashing won't save you. You can't even assume Sora's block will do all the work and open enemies up. These bosses are terrifyingly fast, they hit hard, and they only forgive a few mistakes. Your HP bar is feeble protection against the blitzkrieg of enemy combos leading into other combos as the fight slips out of your control. They are walls of seemingly impossible brutality. Sephiroth in Kingdom Hearts II could kill you in a second. And I absolutely love him for it. Hurt me more, please.

Kingdom Hearts III's original release lacked this extra spice of serious challenge. The Re:Mind DLC fixes that. With the fourteen new Superbosses, you either leave nothing for granted and truly play your ass off, or you watch Sora float limply on the Game Over screen. I beat Kingdom Hearts III last year without much thought. Come January 2020, I needed to learn every skill in Sora's toolset. Kingdom Hearts can be true action games with as much sophistication and difficulty as any of the others. So maybe we should treat this series with more respect?

Here are the fourteen Superbosses that the Re:Mind DLC offers, all ranked in terms how of much I loved them. This is a journey to the heart of Kingdom Hearts III.

14) Data Xigbar

Xigbar is the easiest of the Data Bosses. Now this is not a ranking of difficulty. This is a ranking of quality. It just so happens that the easiest Superboss is the worst one. Generally harder bosses are better than easier ones in my opinion, but that's not always the case. Also, this is not a ranking of how much I like the villains in question. Xigbar is probably my favorite Organization member. He’s also had some great boss fights in the past. But his Data fight in Kingdom Hearts III is a step down for the groovy surfer sniper.

I should put this all in context. By the standards of most video games, or even the standards of Kingdom Hearts, Data Xigbar is pretty good, maybe even edging into great. My favorite game of 2019, Control, does not have a single boss that's half as good as Dat Xigbar. But by the standards of the bosses on this list, Data Xigbar is trash. So don't really consider that an insult. He's like the worst track on Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album. By the way, that song was 'Money', and was the band's second biggest hit... but still, terrible compared to everything else on the record.

Ultimately a lot of this list is going to be very subjective - it's a list. But for my tastes a really good boss should have the least amount of time wasted. Every moment should either be about survival or an opportunity to fight back. If you have dead seconds where you can do neither, that's not good. Xigbar’s big trick is being way too far away (like a football field away), and shooting a lot of easily blocked projectiles. Eventually you can hit him when he gets close. But with some patience nothing Xiggy does should be threatening.

He tries to fake you out by making you block too early, but your block is really strong and has a long window. So even if you're early, you might not take damage. Also, most of what he does does not hurt enough. Most Data Bosses wipe out your whole HP bar with one mistake. Not Data Xigbar. Thanks to all those dead seconds you have plenty of time to recharge your MP bar for another Curaga.

The only way you really have to die is either by being way underleveled (be at least 50 to get the Once More ability for total invincibility above 1 HP) or by getting impatient and attacking too early. Even his big showy attacks look more threatening than they are and are easy to dodge. He’ll do a Wild West duel that’s so generous with the timing that by rights you should get an instant Game Over if you fail. Xigbar’s only really scary moment is his Desperation Move, where he fires lasers literally everywhere. Don't be too proud to buy Kupo Coins, by the way.

This boss took me thirty to forty minutes to beat, and by the standards of the Data fights, that makes him extremely easy.

13) Data Young Xehanort

I said before that I wasn’t going to bring my opinion of the characters into this ranking. Actually, I’ve changed my mind. When it comes to tie-breakers, my opinion is going to matter a fair bit. Young Xehanort is my least favorite Xehanort. He was set up to be this big mystery in Birth by Sleep. Then it turns out he’s just skinny Xehanort with dumb powers. Out of all the Xehanorts, he’s got the least personality. He's monotone and cryptic, as if he knows some big secret. Well, if you knew shit, kid, why does it still end for you with Kairi beating your face inside-out? (That's canon now, by the way: Kairi beats Xehanort at the end of Re:Mind. Anybody who picks Sora for that last fight isn't a true fan.)

Anyway, as for this boss. Young Xehanort is just a lightweight version of many of the other bosses. He has a relatively small HP pool with only twelve bars. His Desperation Move is one of the easiest to survive. Clearly, he was planned as a beginner boss. One of the big differences in these fights is how predictable they are. Some bosses have very obscure patterns that you have to learn by a kind of gamer sixth sense. Some bosses, like Young Data Xehanort here, are very OCD and need to stick to their attack pattern of they'll feel out of control with their lives. That makes Lil' Xehanort easy to predict, and therefore relatively easy to beat.

Now don’t let that fool you, Young Xehanort is actually hard as fuck, especially if you're unprepared for how fast and unrelenting the Data Bosses are. He’ll fake you out a lot by teleporting three or four times before attacking. If you combo him too much he’ll get his revenge by throwing his whip which will knock you down to 1 HP instantly. Most of these bosses will take their revenge if you get too greedy with your attacks. Young Xehanort's revenge if relatively easy to dodge, but you can still screw it up. His worst move is a particularly obnoxious icicle attack that can freeze you in place, which is not fun.

But still, he’s a relatively lightweight. There's just not much here that's all that special or intense. You'll find more interesting versions of everything Young Xehanort does in other bosses.

12) Data Vanitas

Data Vanitas has the most ridiculous Desperation Move in the entire game. It was an interesting decision on Square Enix’s part to have it last fourteen hours thirty-eight minutes. I timed it. It takes fourteen hours and thirty-eight minutes. That is not comic exaggeration. I assure you. It never ends. It was an artistic choice on Nomura's part, I suspect. Maybe you have to respect that. I don’t. That’s why he’s at Number 12.

I managed to survive the Desperation Move exactly once after losing a Kupo Coin and going into Rage Form. I never could do it again. His Desperation Move is actually so long and so unfair there’s a trick to skip it. When Vanitas hovers in the air at about half HP, spam Thunder immediately. That’s the only way to beat him. There are some people on Youtube who actually can dodge and block in the right order to survive Vanitas' DM. They are better players than me. I found the DM to be exhausting and brutal.

Vanitas is super fucking hard. You can live comfortably in Young Xehanort’s clock-like pattern. Vanitas doesn’t do patterns. He doesn’t care for clocks either. He’s too edgy for that. He’ll alternate between his volcano attack, his air strikes, his fireballs, and then a surprise sword combo that you’ll never see coming. Then with a few HP bars left he’ll start just throwing all the attacks together into a big awful jumbo of nonsense. Then there’s yet another move where he starts throwing keys and I still don’t actually know how to deal with that. This guy realy pissed me off, needless to say.

I said before, this isn’t a ranking of difficulty, it’s a ranking of quality. Data Vanitas would be a really good boss. He should be in the Top 7 at least. I generally like my bosses to push me. But they need to push me fairly. Nothing about that Desperation Move is fair.

11) Data Saix

Here’s where I admit I fought most of these bosses the wrong way. I beat Kingdom Hearts III with the Pirates of the Caribbean Keyblade since it’s got a great reach and turns into a Dragoon spear. (I dig Dragoons.) Even though the DLC opens up new ultra-powerful Keyblades like Oathkeeper and Oblivion, I stubbornly avoiding upgrading until the last minute. To get Oathkeeper you need to collect all 90 Lucky Emblems. That involves running around every world in the game to find a stupid collectables. Oblivion requires you to beat the whole game on Critical which I flat-out refuse to do. Proud is enough for me. And the ultimate weapon, tellingly named the Ultima Weapon, is like a week of chores and nonsense that also I will never do.

I don't like doing much of the side activities in games. I hate crafting. I hate finding collectables. I just want to kick ass and have my ass kicked in turn. So I was stubborn. I was wrong.

Data Saix finally was the boss that convinced me I was a fool and needed better gear. I still beat him with the Pirate Keyblade but I could have saved two hours of bonus suffering if I had stronger gear. I won't claim to be an expert on these bosses, more a survivor. Here's my survivor's wisdom: I strongly advise that you grit your teeth and take pictures of those Lucky Emblems. Oathkeeper makes all the bosses easily 20% easier, and the gear you get from that quest makes them another 10% easier.

This version of Saix is incredibly hard. 30% extra hard if you're me. He’s got a ton of HP, 16 bars. He cycles between two forms of increasing intensity. Turns out Saix is holding in a lot of anger, probably related to his husband, Axel. (Saix and Axel are married, by the way, that is also canon.) In berserk mode tear the entire stage part with insanely fast combos. He's got so much HP you probably will have to survive his DM three times. And he's got an ax throw attack that will stun-lock Sora and lead to your very frustrating demise. You need to land every opportunity you get to hit him, otherwise Saix will just get increasingly furious and eventually wack the shit out of you.

The problem is that Saix' Desperation Move is extremely boring. He charges around the stage in a circle, leaving shockwaves. Saix is so mad he forgot that Sora learned how to fly from Peter Pan. You can just hover over all of it, while Saix does nothing that can hurt you. Much like Xigbar, this leads to far too much dead seconds. The problem with the DM though is that Saix starts throwing those axes at you again. These come at weird angles and the Kingdom Hearts III camera doesn't do well with projectiles aiming at a floating Sora. So it can end badly.

So, I actually like Data Saix’s design. It’s creative. It builds on his Kingdom Hearts II fight in an interesting way, bringing back the Berserk bars. I really miss him yelling “MOVE ASIDE!!!” but that’s fine. But fuck his DM. Fuck the goddamn axes that lead me to getting chain-ganked. You lose points for that, Saix. Maybe get some anger management.

(And yes, I know there's a Keyblade with a Stun-immunity ability but as I said before, I'm very stubborn.)

10) Data Master Xehanort

Master Xehanort is the final Data fight and the second-to-last Superboss before Yozora. That would make you think he’s easily the second-hardest boss in the game, right? No, that’s Saix by a mile. This is not even close.

Is Data Old Xehanort even a particularly great boss? Sure. he’s fine. His real problem is coming last in the sequence when he isn’t anything particularly special. After twelve other Data fights, you need to be something fantastic to stand out, and I don’t think he’s all that incredible.

When fighting Master Xehanort I’m reminded of how Elaine on Seinfeld described a poor sex ‘move’. “Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.” (This turned out to be George’s move.) It sure seems like they put a lot of work into Big Chair Xehanort. There’s many custom animations that appear nowhere in the rest of the game which sure look impressive. He’s got a spider-web of lasers that fire seemingly everywhere. He’s got huge death rays. Then he throws these massive spinning death balls of spikes at you. But it all appears more intimidating than it is. Saix actually is destroying the world to kill you. Master Xehanort is just theater.

I think what really sums this fight up is my first attempt. Social Security Xehanort starts by firing down meteors which you can block, then blasts some spider web to mess you up. Then he’ll disappear. When he reappears, he throws like a billion trillion spells at you, which took out my Kupo Coin. After that he jumps right into a DM, which finally killed me. However, none of this is that scary when you learn how to deal with it. You can dodge the meteors. You can hit block when Baldynort comes back and get a nice combo in. And as for his DM, just dodge the first few attacks and flashstep on the third death ball to get a combo in. It all looks much harder than it is. He even has a second DM which is much more lethal.

But like much in this fight, I never really learned the pattern there, I just dodged through it all. That worked fine.

Somebody is reading this and thinking "What are you talking about?? Master Xehanort was hard as shit!" I feel for you. I really do. He can be really tough, but watch the Youtube videos to find his openings. By now you should have a good feel for Kingdom Hearts III and how to take down Data Fights. There's nothing he's doing that makes him deserve the top spot, is really what I'm saying.

This is really the problem that sums up this Xehanort. Master Xehanort has to try extra hard since he has to compete with younger, more charismatic versions of himself with hair. It reminds me of a pop star on their sixth album now having to work ten times as hard to get the hits that came effortlessly years ago. This fight is Xehanort’s Reputation album. Look what you made me do.

9) Data Terranort

Here’s where I need to complain a bit about the boss selection for the Data Fights. I get that it has to be the new Organization XIII and all. But let’s be real, the quote "True" Organization XIII will never be the true one in my heart. I miss Demyx, you know? Master Xehanort needed thirteen people to come to his party and had to fill up the ranks with like six versions of himself. So sure, Terranort is scary enough. I still have nightmares about fighting him in Birth by Sleep, where he was ridiculously hard. But, you know, couldn’t this be Axel? He's got a lot of a fans.

Data Terranort was the seventh of these bosses I fought. I picked him right after slaughtering Vanitas and felt pretty arrogant about the whole thing. Terranort’s patterns are not particularly fast or particularly complicated. I found most of the openings pretty easily. And his Desperation Move just has you fall on a disco stage of weird lights where you dodge the very dodgable attacks. There’s a second version of this DM where Terranort himself dances with you for two attacks whose damage you can easily tank. It doesn’t seem like all that much.

Then for whatever reason this fight took about a billion tries.

I can't really explain what the problem was. He's got a nasty revenge move where he summons like a hedgehog of spikes. I should have been able to dodge that but just couldn't. So much of these fights rely on keeping control of the flow of battle. You let the Revenge Attack get you and then you're wide up for the next blow. Terranort's got this really mean unblockable ground combo that you need to dodge three times. There's an opening there but its really risky. He's also got this air charge attack that I could never consistently punish.

Terranort kept slipping me up. His worst move is summoning the Guardian to beat the crap out of you from the floor. Learning the timing on that is pretty rough since by the time you see the Guardian coming, he's already taken all your HP. Eventually I got pissed at this and kept blocking and Dodge Kicking everything the Guardian did, which eventually opened him up. Then days longer than it should have taken me, I beat him.

Really wish I could have fought Xaldin again.

8) Data "Ansem"

Dude, you’re not Ansem. You're not even the guy pretending to be Ansem. The real fake Ansem is voiced by Billy Zane and yells "SUBMIT!!" a lot. He turns into a twenty-foot-tall shirtless giant in leather pants. This Ansem is voiced by Richard Epcar, doing a perfectly serviceable version of the character. But secretly we all know he’s just Terranort with a haircut and more style. Something fundamental is lost when you don’t have Billy Zane.

Anyway, Terranort stole the Guardian from Ansem. That takes away the most iconic part of Ansem boss fights. Now he uses attacks that I don’t recognize at all. Turns out is based on the Dream Drop Distance Riku vs Ansem boss fight. Do you remember that? Neither do I. Dream Drop Distance is not a memorable game, and that's not even the game about erasing memories.

As hard as Terranort was for me, Ansem was easy. This fight took under ten tries, which in this crew might be a record. I still think Data Xigbar was easier, just I got really lucky fast with Ansem.

His favorite move is surrounding you with these bubbles that shoot lasers. Block that, obviously. After the fourth volley, airstep over to him and attack immediately. This is a good time to turn off all the Flowmotion Abilities. If you have them on, Sora will do a big dramatic swing in the air that is just a split second too long. That lets Ansem float to the side so Sora is left slashing at nothing. Ansem leaves some magic bomb in the arena which Flowmotion completely negates. He also shoots homing missiles if you’re too slow but they do so little damage you can tank right through it.

I am not doing a no-damage run, so I don't care about getting hit. I'll leave that to somebody else. These fights are hard enough already.

Nothing Ansem does is actually all that scary. His Desperation Move somehow makes him less dangerous. He summons two bulging balls of darkness that fire a bunch of evil that Sora can block. Then he’s wide open to hit. He’ll end the fight on another Desperation Move which is beefier and more elaborate but again, you can block or dodge roll most of it. This is the rare fight where its better to be in the DM than out of it.

And this shouldn’t be too much of a surprise. Across like seven games Ansem has never been a tough boss, regardless of voice actor. He’s too busy posing like the sexy runway model he is to really care, I think. He literally isn't lifting a finger to fight you.

7) Data Luxord

Luxord is extremely annoying in a way I actually liked. He follows the same mechanic as his Kingdom Hearts II boss fights, where instead of a proper HP bar he has a Time Gage. This translates to him having a tiny HP amount. You just need to get off about half a dozen full combos to kill him. I beat him at level 40, the same level I beat the final boss at. Equipment and stats are basically irrelevant in this fight. He basically erases all the RPG aspects of this action RPG, which I kinda like.

Most of what Luxord does is tricky but all of it is punishable. He’s a great starter boss for this run of Data Fights, even better than Young Xehanort. Blocking then using Counter Kick cheeses out two of his attacks completely. But Luxord loves to play games. Here's my advice: never guess. You will guess wrong and die. There’s always a tell. Just learn what it is, and you can win.

Luxord’s most obnoxious move is when he jumps to the center and summons four cards around him. You need to pick the Circle Card by attacking it. But Sora is a bit excitable, the little skamp, so he’ll swing his sword two or three times. That can end badly if Sora winds up hitting a card by accident. Also, you probably have a bad habit of button mashing since this is Kingdom Hearts after all. You don’t want to do that. Do you like explosions in your face? I don't, personally. My solution was to hit X one time - and only once - then dodge rolling away instantly. You need to be fast since when the cards stop, Luxord will explode. Get all four or five cards, Luxord's open for an attack. The fight is now 1/6th of the way done.

This boss becomes something worthy of a superboss when Luxord goes into his Desperation Move phase. Luxord is hiding in the cards all around the battlefield and you need to find the ones that are him as it shuffles all around. Cards will fly up from the floor to kill you. This becomes truly obnoxious in the second phase. Now if you guess wrong it is instant death, GAME OVER. Don’t even try to grab the Luxords that pop in and out in the second form. They’re lies. They shuffle away instantly. Instead a Luxord shows up between two other cards that shoot out an attack. Dodge roll through it and hit him. Do this three times and you win.

Luxord actually has a new phase of attacks after the DM, but I never got to see any of them since he had almost no HP left. I don't really know why the team bothered to program that. There's no way this fight can last longer than a minute anyway.

I really like how weird this fight is. It's a troll, but a different style of troll, you know? Points for variety.

6) Yozora

Here we go. The top boy. The big mamma jamma. The Superboss of Superbosses. The hardest boss – by far – in Kingdom Hearts III and one of the hardest things I’ve beaten in video games ever.

He’s a Noctis fix fic that looks like Riku and cheats with a stupid laser that steals your Items and Keyblade. This boss came to symbolize the entire Versus XIII / Final Fantasy XV experience in my mind. Turns out most of those dormant emotions are not happy ones. I''m very glad to have something very hard on which to work out that anger.

Yozora has nineteen health bars, like thirteen different attacks, a very long and complicated Desperation Move, and a lot of trolling bullshit to infuriate you. A lot of the tricks to get punishes off have very tight windows. Unlike most of these Superbosses, you need offensive magic to screw up his combos. Also, randomly, Yozora can open the fight with his DM. Just let him kill you at that point since even if you survive it, that means you have to do the entire fight in his harder second phase. And then survive a second DM.

The most annoying and tech-y part of this fight for me is how Yozora ends his physical combos. They always end with Yozora’s disembodied sword swinging behind Sora’s back. The guard in Kingdom Hearts III is very generous. A Soulsborne player would laugh at you and call you a casual if they knew how much leeway the guard gives you. However, there's a critical weakness. Sora is programmed to only block in the direction of the enemy, so he always blocks forward, when the sword is behind him. You need to figure out the timing of the combo enough to know Yozora has stopped attacking, then dodgeroll backwards, then guard with the sword now in front of you. Then Yozora is so impressed by Sora’s skill he falls gently back to the ground. Only then is he wide open for a combo.

The sword dodge business is the kind of tech that seems to come and go from my skillset. I could go hours getting it exactly right, then somehow completely lose the muscle memory to pull it off. It’s not even the most technical part of the fight. That honor would go to Yozora’s holographic death pyramid attack, which you need to dodge roll out of (at exactly the right time) then spam Thunder down to break it (at also the exact right time, and only on the second volley). Fail that and Yozora takes all your HP.

This is the kind of pain I live for, apparently.

Never mind the attacks that erase your HP bar and leave you with one HP that you cannot heal out of. Never mind the surprise troll when Yozora steals your Keyblade and leaves you helpless for a minute of combos. The real brutal ball-punch of this fight is when Yozora floats in the air and shoots out a big holographic cylinder which very slowly chases you. If you’re caught in this, he steals your Kupo Coin, and then your Hi-Potions. That can take a fight that was going nice and clean to a complete disaster in just a second. If you then defeat Yozora, he comes back with half his HP. But without a Kupo Coin that’s more a theoretical problem. You'll be dead before that becomes an issue to worry about. Just don't ever let him steal your Kupo Coin. Punish the cylinder attack by hitting him with Thunder at the very end after the surprise fourth volley, now he's open.

As for Yozora himself, I don't know what to think. He seems like he’s trying very hard to be cool, much like every Final Fantasy hero since Cloud. I like the future laser sword and crossbow combo. But he doesn’t seem particularly into this fight. This guy has turned into the lynchpin now of the entire Kingdom Hearts and Fabula Novus Crystallis franchise, and he sounds bored to me. I’m here stringing together conspiracy theories about Tetsuya Nomura and Versus XIII. Yozora meanwhile is muttering in monotone "what a pain", as if its 4:00 PM at the office and he clocked out mentally at noon. I, meanwhile, am going into my own Berserk phase because I lost my Kupo Coin and am thoroughly fucked.

That said, hardest and most elaborate fight doesn’t necessarily mean best. Yozora doesn’t have a revenge move so you can combo him all you want. And a few of his moves, like the “I’ll just combo you endlessly as I teleport randomly for half a minute” do not give you a revenge option, which makes them annoying. With less cheap bullshit, a slightly faster tempo, this would be the best boss in the series history. Instead he's just this great white whale that all us Kingdom Hearts III lunatics must slay.

5) Data Larxene

I’m glad Larxene is here. In the "new" Organization XIII crew there's far too much obvious traitors and Xehanorts. Meanwhile, Larxene is just Larxene. She’s evil but without any hidden agenda, secret identity, or deeper meaning than just to bully people. The bullying is the purpose, and she loves it. She doesn’t care one wink about Xehanort’s plan or saving the universe. She just along for the ride with her crush, Marluxia, and I can respect that. Who doesn't have a crush on Marluxia?

Larxene is a really fun fight. You’ll see this top 5 is dominated by the bosses with a quick tempo and a lot of personality. Larxene is definitely the easiest of the fast bosses. She sticks to a clear pattern early on. But then she goes into a Saix-like berserk state where she jumps all over the fucking place like she's on catnip or something. Her opening attack starts with a feint to the left that fooled me an outright embarrassing amount of times. You block *after* her first swing, that’s very important.

The best part of Larxene’s fight is that if you attack her too much she’ll do a revenge attack. She gets really mad and yells something that might be "squirm" but I prefer "WORM!!" The idea of an angry electric girl stepping on me and calling me a worm... that’s working for me. That’s working a lot.

Larxene is a good example of how much you want to be in control of fights and how dangerous panicking is. Her berserk phase can be interrupted if you get a combo in. If you miss the combo, it is very easy to lose track of exactly where in her pattern she is and when you’re safe to respond. This applies to her Desperation Move too. When she does Clonejutsu at you, there are moments where you can attack back with Counter Kick. (Counter Kick is just the best for most fights due to how long the invincibility frame is.) But if you screw up, you really can’t panic.

Keep dodging, even at low or 1 HP, because it’s often more dangerous to try to heal with a Hi-Potion than staying in the fight. You have to be brave and face your tormentor, even if being tormented is secretly your kink.

4) Data Xemnas

"LEAVING?? LEAVING?? LEAVING?? LEAVING??"

In Kingdom Hearts II this guy had roughly eight thousand different forms. I'm sorry if you’re a big fan of the lazy chicken armor Xemnas form, that won’t appear. Nor will the stupid rail shooter dragon form. And to my personal disappointment, he never wears the rocking black and white disco costume from the final boss fight. This is actually Xemnas at his least flamboyant. And he still fights with lightsabers, laser beams, big magic Reflect walls, and vines. Xemnas, unlike Ansem, is using classic attacks you actually remember, which I appreciate.

Xemnas lost his chance at using his own Kingdom Hearts to conquer the universe, and then lost his chance to... do whatever he trying to do with Old Man Xehanort. (I’m still unclear why any of Xehanort’s alternate versions let him sit in the Big Chair.) He says he’s lonely in Kingdom Hearts III. But Data Xemnas has two best friends. The first best friend is aerial combos that are very easy to dodge but tricky to counter. The second and most BFF of his BFFs is grabbing Sora with his vines, asking “LEAVING??” and maybe slamming Sora into one of his Reflect walls. However, Xemnas has a playful side now so he’ll often just throw you around into nothing.

It’s a very fun ride, but the big secret to Xemnas is you can dodge roll through the vines on the ground and Xemnas is wide open. That makes the fight rather easy.

I really like this fight. Xemnas is flashy and this fight seemed to naturally click with me in ways other fights did not. Playing blind the very first time I got him down his Desperation Move. Some fights seem absolutely impossible at first, like our next one. This one was just similar enough to previous Xemnas battles that some kind of ancient muscle memory pulled me through it.

Speaking of the DM, it’s pretty awesome. Xemnas brings back the giant dome of endless lasers from the end of Kingdom Hearts II. At first, I freaked out. Unlike 2005, this isn’t just a scripted sequence where you mash Square and Triangle for a minute. (Can you even fail that part in Kingdom Hearts II?) Nope, this time you have to REALLY do it. Of course, "really doing it" is a bit of a stretch for Kingdom Hearts since Sora’s guard makes him 100% invincible as long as you hold down the button. Just dodge the blue lasers and keep blocking and its very doable. This was my favorite DM.

Xemnas also has some beautiful interpretative dance steps to his attacks. He combines melodrama with elegance. He would pair well with a nice rosé wine.

3) Data Riku Replica

Riku has been kicking my ass now for like fifteen years. You know what my final score is for his battle on Destiny Islands? Its probably 200 to like 3. My relationship with Riku is something similar to that of that between the Jets and the Patriots. I win sometimes but never when it matters and even then, most of the wins are moral victories. “THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE TAKING KAIRI’S HEART” is a line I’ve heard many, many times.

This Riku continues that proud tradition of hurting me. Data Riku Replica, or ‘Darepliku’ for short, is the hardest Riku yet.

There's a website that claims Riku is the easiest of all the Data Fights. (I’m not linking to them due to how totally unhelpful they were.) They say “there isn’t much to him” and giggle at the idea of people having trouble with this boss. The author, unlike me, didn't write 6,000 words about these boss fights, so never elaborates what they mean. But they’re out of their damn minds. Riku is really fucking hard and nobody should feel bad if they have trouble with this guy.

Darepliku is the most intimidating of all the superbosses. He’s really fast, he chains all his combos into other combos, and he leaves mines and bombs all over the place. Worse, he never stops yelling at you. Fighting Riku is an endless flurry of “ONE MORE! I’M DONE WITH YOU! ONE MORE! THINK FAST! DARKNESS! YOU LIKE IT? YOU LIKE IT? ONE MORE!”

It's funny how he says "one more" because he does much much more than just one more. He never stops attacking. He's the most aggro of all the bosses, besides maybe my No. 1.

Then he goes into an early Desperation Move that is just particle effects and lightning shit all over the goddamn place. It all looks totally impossible.

For a lot of these bosses, I found myself holding back on the combos to avoid their Revenge attack. They can knock off your flow and leave you wide up to their next attack. With Riku I found it easier if I always baited him into his revenge. He disappears for a full second, giving you time to heal or just catch a breath. Then he’ll summon some bombs you can dodge through. Then he always Dragoon jumps on you. Sometimes you can even counter this. But the point is, with a guy like Riku who is spamming attacks non-stop, forcing him to stop and do his Revenge actually gives you a better way to control the fight.

The deal though is that Riku is a ton of fun, even if he looks impossible. It’s a fast tempo fight but that also means you can kill him quickly too. It doesn't last long one way or another.

2) Data Marluxia

I like Marluxia. (Maybe not "like-like" Marluxia, but I won't rule that out too quickly, you know.) Marluxia is handsome, got a cool weapon, he's still the only final boss to a Kingdom Hearts game that isn't some version of Xehanort. (I'm not counting Re:coded, because that game doesn't count.) I have no idea why he's hanging with Old Man Xehanort in Kingdom Hearts III. He didn't even believe in the mission in the first Organization, let alone this inferior second version. Feels like he just had nothing better to do, so just kinda went along.

If you have played Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix, you'll recognize this fight as Marluxia is a lot like that. Only the Doom clock over Sora's head has been pushed to the Desperation Moves. It counts down based on time passed, not how many times Marluxia hits you. And it doesn't count in real time. Your 15 seconds are like a whole minute. The final DM though says 99 but leaves exactly enough time for you get one last hit off to win the fight, otherwise you die. Anyway, not enough of these fights have special gimmicks, so I applaud anything that gets weird with the systems.

Marluxia has a lot of moves you can't block, and that's going to knock your rhythm off at first. Take his opening combo. First few hits are all easy to block, then he turns red and he'll break your guard. Immediately after that he throws his scythe. First two hits are blockable, but then when Marluxia himself appears to give it an extra push, you need to dodge. There's a way to counter at just the right time with Marluxia's combos to invincibility frame your way through his unblockable attacks. I never found that timing, so just dodge roll.

One thing to note is that Marluxia loves to put up Armor. He'll do a slow diving attack at the ground then get a full bar of invincibility. It goes away on its own, but you can also blast it away entirely with a well-timed Firaga. He loves to do that attack right after he summons four hell portals around the arena, just a tip. So this is one of two Superbosses that actually require any use of offensive magic. Otherwise you can forget that stuff exists.

If there's a happy medium right in the middle of all the Data Fights, it's Marluxia. He's really hard and a bit unpredictable, but not total madness like Riku or Saix. He doesn't have much in the way of cheap hits either. There's a lot of mix-ups between dodging and blocking. He doesn't have a set pattern but isn't completely unpredictable.

The only part of this fight I really don't like is the stupid drones or funnels he summons that shoot lasers at you. They can be destroyed with Counter Impact, but they confuse me and distract me from Marluxia's combos. I believe Thundaga might destroy them, but I never got a chance to test the theory.

There's some debate as to what Marluxia whispers into Sora's ears before his DM. My theory? Marluxia tells Sora where babies come from.

1) Data Xion

Xion must be protected at all costs. So why do I have to beat the crap out of her?

It makes me feel bad fighting Xion. Her taunts aren't even threatening. She likes to say "I'm here" in a very kind and reassuring voice, like she's really there for you. Then she wacks you hard in the head with the Kingdom Key. Her Desperation Move opens with "you ready, Sora?". She wants you to be ready. And clearly Xion is our friend because she gives us this awesome boss fight! She is so much fun.

Much like Riku, Xion is relentless. She will attack forever and ever, never stopping until you're dead or you get a combo in yourself. She's not as immediately terrifying as Riku though. Almost everything she does is blockable. You might even think, "Hey, this fight isn't that bad. Maybe I'll just stand here and block until the circle pops up letting me spin around her back and kill her". Then you'll notice your HP bar. It's gone. All of it.

Xion's lasers will erase all the missing HP from your bar, along with the tiny damage they do themselves. Master Xehanort has a similar trick with the X-blade, and of course, Yozora can do this too. But they don't build their whole strategy around it like Xion does.

This might sound brutally unfair and cheap. But nothing Xion does is too rough to dodge or block. She will keep attacking forever and will never get tired like Saix does. Xion's openings are high risk, high-reward too in a way I really like. Her first laser combo can be flashstepped into and punished. But you need to be in control enough to even have her on camera. Larxene can only keep up the hyperactive squirrel routine for a few seconds. Xion never stops, so that means, neither can you. This is just pure action from beginning to end.

Xion will break this up eventually with different phases where she uses slightly differently forms of her attacks. Later in the fight she throws lasers in all directions and it gets a bit weird to follow, but basically its the same rhythm, just faster. She has an invincibility phase where she goes through a fast thirty-second combo where well-timed Counters and one combo opportunity can knock her out of it. If you do it right, you can actually attack her main HP bar.

Then there's her Desperation Move, which is when she moves with such ferocity you might think her ass is on fire. You need to get Counters in or she'll break you. But where a lot of Desperation Moves are just Sora being forced to dance around the boss's choreography, Xion's sees you fighting back. I think that's a big improvement, rather than checking your watch for Vanitas to finally be done after the twelfth hour.

Data Xion is one of the best bosses in Kingdom Hearts history. All these bosses are great on some level, none are boring. Xion is the masterpiece of the bunch. Difficult but not unfair. Fast but not a dizzying mess of particle effects. Predictable but nothing you can take for granted. I love this boss.

And I love Xion. I hope Saix and Axel adopt her.

...

I know you wanted a Final Fantasy VII Remake review. That will happen at some point, probably not two months after I finish it. I still need to get to the heart of that game.