Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman

Hello, Space Monkees. (Yes, your name did change. Wanna fight about it?)

Hey look, something that isn't remotely Japanese!

I love the old Batman 90s cartoon. Its a classic really, classic artwork, classic voices, classic theme song, classic everything. Nobody can beat Kevin Conroy's batvoice, and nobody can beat Mark Hamill's Joker voice. Any other poor voice actor who attempts those roles is doomed to failure. "Mask of the Phantasm", the theatrical film the showcases the origins of the cartoon Batman has to be the third best Batman movie ever made - a real feat considering how many great Batman movies there have been.

Released in 2003, "Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman" happens to be the very last work released in the fictional universe of the original 90s Batman cartoon. "Justice League" fits into that universe too, but I never really watched that show - I need for my Superhero cartoons is the big Bats himself. However, showing just how less and less relevant the Batman cartoon had become, this movie was released direct to DVD with barely any advertisement at all. That's why, seven years later, when I found out there had been a third Batman cartoon movie, I immediately through this to the top of queue. And now, instead of studying for my Finals, I'm writing a review for it.

The plot here takes place right after the original cartoon ended, just before the tragic events of "Return of the Joker". Young Robin is still hanging around completely not mentally shattered by the Joker's torture, and Batgirl is in college pining for Bruce Wayne and the Batpenis. In fact, wanting the Batpenis is something of a plot point here, as at least four extremely sexy women are hinted at - if not outright shown - to be desperately wanting to give Bruce Wayne some "explosions". And yeah, that innuendo is taken directly from the movie. The deal here is that a mysterious character named "Batwoman" has appeared in Gotham and is out to defeat the Penguin and a laser-gun smuggling business he has put together.

But who is this mysterious Batwoman? Well, that's really the big draw to this movie. You already should know that Batman is basically indestructible, and that really nothing bad can happen to an older character. Luckily the movie decides to milk up this central question for all its worth. You're introduced to in rapid succession three extremely sexy women of Batwoman's build, leaving you to wonder which one is the actual Batwoman. There's Kathy - the independent daughter of a Black crime lord, Rocky - a ditsy blond computer genius, and Sonia - a new Olivia Benson-ish detective on the Gotham police force. Well, there's a twist here, one that any seasoned twist-spotter will probably be able to suspect.

Its all rather a lighthearted affair, without much of Batman's usual angst. Instead of Batman crying at the tomb of his parents, he's listening to a mediocre Cher song at the Penguin's nightclub. Some Batman fans might be a little annoyed by this sort of lightness, I didn't mind. The sheer level of sexy here is enough to keep me happy. The plot is pretty thin, but luckily the movie doesn't outstay its welcome - tracking only at an hour and fifteen minutes. This isn't really a landmark title, but its entertaining, and that's all the matters.

Even better, Robin does absolutely nothing here at all. Screw Robin. I never liked him. Nothing is exactly what he should be doing.

Fanwank Corner: SPOILER ALERT. The big twist here is that, in fact, all three of the sexy Batwoman candidates are Batwoman. Yes, there is not one, not two, but three Batwomen. Its a team-up of a bevy of beautiful women fighting crime in skin-tight outfits. Is that not the hottest thing ever? Its like Charlie's Angels, only good because there isn't a moronic man hanging around barking orders through the telephone. And the characters are likable this time. So might I ask: why was this idea wasted on just one movie? This is like the greatest idea for a TV show ever!! We need five seasons of this.

Here's my pitch: you got Rocky as the cuteness and brains (the "Bubbles" so-to-speak), Kathy as the muscle (Buttercup), and Sonia as the least interesting leader character (Blossom). They live together, they shower together, they fight evil together, and when they get back to the Batcave they celebrate their victory over crime with topless pillow fights and make-out sessions. There doesn't have to be a important single male character in this show; who needs male characters anyway? Batman has plenty of female villains - Catwoman, Harley Quinn, Talia Al Ghul, Poison Ivy, Inque from "Batman Beyond". Try to look me in the eye and tell me this is not the greatest idea for a show you've ever heard! Come on!