Jackass 3D

I love the fact that I got to see this movie in Frank's Family Theatres.  That's great right there.

So there really isn't much of a review to write here considering that its Jackass.  You know what Jackass is, I know what Jackass is, everybody knows what Jackass is!  Its a bunch of idiot guys running around with a camera crew doing the most numbnuts stupid shit to themselves they possibly can.  So they super-glue their hands to each other's chest hair, play baseball with their cocks, and jump in a ram's pen with a really really loud oboe just to get their asses kicked by it.  If you loved the first two, you'll love this one.  If for some reason you're horrified and appalled and cannot imagine why anybody on Earth would ever want to see something like that... actually, you should see this movie too.  Grab a bunch of friends, have a few drinks before the show (or even during the show), and get ready for a night of laughing so hard you fall out of your theatre chair.

And its all in 3D.   The exact same state of the art cameras that James Cameron used to make his overrated space epic, "Avatar" now is being used to make a giant rubber dildo rush right at your face.  America is a great country, isn't it?  This movie actually does have shit flying at the camera!  Literal shit.  Its like I was alive back in the 80s and could enjoy such previous landmark 3D feats like "Jaws 3D", "Friday the 13th 3D"* - absolutely terrible cheesy movies that existed only to have things flying in your face for a few minutes.  "Jackass 3D" definitely fits that bill.  I'm nostalgic for a period that I wasn't even alive for!

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 175, The Revenging Assassin, Ichigo is Targeted

This was easily the worst episode yet of the entire arc, which is saying something.  Week after week this Shusuke Amagai arc continues to amaze me with how truly awful its been.  "Bleach" is not a bad show.  Stupid yes, occasionally nonsensical yes, slow yes, and silly yes - but its truly a rare episode that makes me change the channel.  I haven't done that since, and this is probably not a coincidence, the last filler arc, that nonsense with the Bounts.

Nothing happened this week.

There were two scenes at the beginning and a pile of scenes at the end, that's the entirety of Bleach ep. 175.  The rest of the episode was basically nothing happening.  As a matter of fact, even within the limited relevance that is the Shusuke Amagai arc, there is no reason for ep. 175 to exist at all.  Its total filler within a season that is total filler.  And this episode is the worst kind of filler:  boring nothingness.  Some filler episodes are interesting in that they show the life of a character that you rarely see.  I recall ep. 132 where Captain Hitsguya joins the soccer team of Ichigo's sister, Karen (because he's small enough to pass as a ten-year-old).  There wasn't any exciting fights, no real character development, and the whole episode was pointless, but even so it was exciting in its own right:  will they win the soccer match?  You never get to see much of Karen - she's wasted like so many other human characters - so its a new perspective for events.  Instead of that this episode is just Ichigo sitting on a roof listening to boring nostalgic flashbacks from Princess Lampshade-hat. This is one of the those episodes where I start to wonder if the creators themselves could even find this interesting.

Planet Blue on the Map of the Internet

So the world's second-greatest webcomic, XKCD, has updated its legendary "Map of the Internet" for the many changes this land has undertaken since 2006.  At the moment I'm quite proud of the number of hits this blog has gotten (nearly 10000 since June) but there are times I wonder if enough people know where to find the Planet of Me.  So I've decided to go use the XKCD map and pinpoint the exact location where you can find Planet Blue (icon not to scale):

As you can see, Planet Blue is right in the middle of the blog archipelago which is to the east of the Sea of Opinions. We don't belong to any major landmass however, hovering someplace inbetween the Politic island, the Creative Writing land, and the Empire of Fandom Blogs. Unfortunately this puts us well outside the core Blogosphere, so I doubt we'll ever be featured on CNN. However, we now are well outside of the frightening dark world that is the "Sea of Zero Comments", and hopefully one day will conquer the entirity of this portion of the Internet... and then, all of human discourse itself! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The Losers

Let's make this review a quick quick one:  I rented this movie mostly because I was walking through a Blockbuster and saw a scene of it up on the mounted TVs they have everywhere in the store.  And you know what?  The scene I saw was damn good.  So rent it I did.  And you know what?  The rest of the movie was damn good.

"The Losers" is a silly goofball action movie starring a group of misfit ex-special forces soldiers who were framed for a crime they didn't commit now living the mercenary life.  Unfortunately, it opened the exact same week, or maybe just a week before, "The A-Team", another movie about a group of misfit ex-special forces soldiers who were framed for a crime they didn't commit now living the mercenary life.  "The A-Team" won that battle I'm sorry to say.  I didn't see that movie because its an adaptation of a 70s TV show, and if that description doesn't spell disaster in your mind, you haven't seen enough movies, my friend.  However, I should note that "The Losers" is adapted from a DC comic book nobody on Earth has ever heard of, because I think every movie in 2010 is adapted from an obscure comic.  Even so, I can't imagine that "The A-Team" could possibly be a better movie than "The Losers", because "The Loser" is awesome.  This is everything that the "The Expendables" wasn't and should have been:  fun, well-scripted, wonderfully cast, and well-shot.  Emphasis on the fun.

To explain what "The Losers" is, I won't bother with a plot description, I'll just describe a scene.  So Chris Evans (who thanks to his other role this year in "Scott Pilgrim" has proven that he is an amazing actor) is infiltrating the skyscraper office of the arch-villain, played by super douche Jason Pactric.  Christ Evans is cornered by two security guards while completely unarmed and holding several McGufffins in his hands.  So without missing a beat, he suddenly declares that he has learned mind bullets from Tibetan monks, and puts his hands out in the gun gesture that kids use for games of Cops and Robbers.  The guards laugh it off, until Evans fires his Spirit Gun, and then two guards are blown away.  One guard is left, and he freaks out, running for his dear life.  Of course, Chris Evans isn't a Spirit Detective, his buddy was in a nearby skyscraper with a sniper rifle - the whole thing was the world's most lethal magic trick.  Awesome.  That's "The Losers" for you.

So that's all I really got to say here:  the action is fun, the jokes are funny, Christ Evens is hilarious, the villain makes you hate him, Zoe Saldana is hot, and the movie is great.  It isn't art, it isn't going to win Best Picture, but it does what it does flawlessly.  I can't think of a single complaint, not one.  Its a sad day indeed when Sylvester Stallone, one of the Gods of action movies, needs to be schooled in his craft by the half-French music video director, Sylvain White.  Here's to "The Losers 2" if it ever happens.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 174, Break the Mirror's Boundary! Ichigo's Captivity

Last week on "Bleach" we had a tea party and pint-sized assassin.  What will Episode 174 bring?  A NINJAR INVASION!

So we open up with Kumoi's evil lair, where he and his entire faction are hatching an evil scheme.  Purple-haired ninja is given that mirror sword that the first ninja assassin used.  At this point we finally get to learn the purple-haired ninja's name - its Hanza.  Until he manages to actually beat up a major character, he's going to remain the Purple-Haired Ninja in these recaps.  So you better get working, dude if you want me to use your name.  Purple-Haired Ninja is finally given the order to go to Earth and kill Princess Lampshade-hat.  I don't know why we've been delaying this.  Meanwhile, Kumoi has some Evil Old Guy stuff to do right here in the Spirit World.

Its at this point that we cut to the newest character in this arc full of new characters:  Prince Shoe or Shu or whatever weird romanticized spelling we're using.  We don't yet know who he is, but he seems rather mopey.  Plus he reminds me of somebody... god damn me if I know who yet.  Well Kumoi summons this kid, so either he's a helpless political puppet or a super powerful badass Soul Reaper who could put Purple-Hair to shame.  I know where my money is.  Cute little boys are always helpless in anime, I don't quite know why.  If they're ugly, they might stand a chance.