Frozen II: A Bad Sequel, A Great Show

*No direct spoilers are coming, but I allude to spoilers, so you were warned*

Somewhere in the middle of Frozen II there is a solo song for Kristoff, Princess Anna’s reindeer-riding boyfriend from the first movie. It is the easily worst song of the movie. Kristoff has very little to do in the middle of this sequel’s complicated pile of plotlines. So Frozen II creates tension for him so he is not completely forgotten. His problem is an irritating running gag of being unable to propose successfully to Anna due to a variety of unfunny misunderstandings. (Think Spider-Man 3.) As Anna deals with her sister’s magical crisis and her kingdom’s colonialist legacy, poor Kristoff and his Disney Ending ambitions are left behind, forgotten. So, he feels bad. And he sings.

A better version of Frozen II would build something off this conflict. The Frozen II we got took this moment to do a five-minute parody of overwrought Nineties love ballads a la Richard Marx or Bryan Adams. Think that godawful song your mom might have listened to from the soundtrack of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I think I was the only one in my audience who got the joke, and even I didn’t find it very funny. It’s a waste of time.

But the thing is, while this whole plot and this whole idea are mistakes, it isn’t a terrible song. It’d be pretty damn great on its own. Kristoff gets shafted by the complicated web of Frozen II’s many plotlines, but of course he would. Kristoff is least memorable cast member. I had to google “Frozen reindeer boyfriend” to remember his name when I was writing this review. Frozen II’s audience of little girls and late twenties men who are little girls in their hearts want to see Else be triumphant and hit high notes.

Problems and all, goddamn me if she doesn’t hit those notes and my spirit still soared. Frozen II is a movie so well-made that comparing it to 90s Direct to Video Disney sequels is downright offensive. No, it isn’t perfect and it isn’t nearly as good as the original. But there’s something powerful here. It’s a messy mixed-bag of a movie that fills me with a lot of emotions, positive and negative. But whatever those emotions are, I feel A LOT THEM.

E3 2019 Steam of Consciousness

I always like to save my E3 reaction posts for slightly after the prime time for clicks. This could have been up two days ago and gotten a bit more traction, but I refuse to let hype overwhelm me. I will savor the E3 announcements for just a small time to get the most sophisticated #takes. I will hold out for the hope that somewhere there is news on the showfloor for some amazing game that wasn't wildly reported on.

But instead I'll end up talking at length about mostly the same shit that everybody does cause I'm not that special. We'll get to the Final Fantasy VII Remake, you can skip these intro paragraphs if you need.

The rule with these E3 Reaction posts is that whether it is here or not is not a sign of quality. I have one game here that I truly hate. But rather it is here because I can talk about it at length. If all I can say is "it looks like more Ori and the Blind Forest" or "it's DOOM again" that doesn't mean I'm not hyped. Hollow Knight: Silksong is my everything. But it does mean I don't have anything to say, so I'll not waste your time. It also means I can skip things that totally don't interest me on any level like Halo or to be brutally honest, Animal Crossing. Finally turns out I had nothing to say about that Kingdom Hearts III DLC except this: make Kairi playable. We do have dozens of games to talk about though, so don't feel left out.

And just to hold back on your anticipation for just one more moment, let us mourn all those exciting games that didn't make it to the show this year: Ghosts of Tsushima, The Last of Us 2,  that Metal Wolf Chaos remake, Bayonetta 3, Metroid Prime 4, The Last Night, Beyond Good and Evil 2, The Pathless, Solar Ash Kingdom, Gears Tactics, Shin Megami Tensei V, whatever Rocksteady is making, Celeste Chapter 9 DLC, that Switch port of Mother 3 that exists in all our hearts, and most tragically, my Game of E3 2018, Tunic.

Anyway, now to talk about that thing you want me to talk about:

Game of Thrones is a Game of Misery

The hype that was promised! The two Clegane brothers stand off. Finally after fifteen years of fan speculation and memes, we are here. The Cleganebowl. And could we have a more exciting backdrop? A city burning to ash under the fury of a mad dragon queen. The very Red Keep itself crumbling beneath their feet. But none of that matters compared to the raw anger within the hearts of these two knights, living and undead. This is a battle beyond life, death, justice, or sanity. Pure masculine hatred is all right here for your viewing pleasure.

And it is fucking miserable. All of it, just unpleasant and awful. What a waste.

There is no point to giving Game of Thrones any credit that the last episode could possibly redeem what has happened in Season 8. The latest episode, The Bells, broke whatever hope I had. There is no final episode that could possibly make me happy any longer. In some ways, that train left the station many seasons ago. Some shows jump the shark, Game of Thrones rapes it. Remember Sansa and Ramsay? That was real bad, and I still haven't forgiven you, show. But I've been along for the ride, through all the ups and downs. I still wanted to see how it ended. At this point, we're watching the ending now and it doesn't matter what happens anymore. I don't care. This is miserable, miserable by design.

We could spend thousands of words here going through every little detail of every little mistake that has piled up into this car crash of a season. You can take your pick really. The choice to cut these last two seasons down to thirteen episodes has been a complete disaster. This latest season has been a near total failure thanks almost entirely to the writing. Character arcs are total botches, plot points have been forgotten, major villains have been let downs, battle scenes have been so badly shot you can't even see them, and I could keep going forever. Everybody was excited to see how Game of Thrones was going to end. Well, everybody except for showrunners, Benioff and Weiss, whose decisions this last season feel like the halfhearted work of two guys who put in their two week notice already. The themes are lost, the characters are wasted, and none of it means anything anymore. All that's left are surprises, horrible horrible surprises.

Do Not Believe In Joe Biden’s Time Machine

In Joe Biden's campaign announcement video yesterday he used imagery from the "Unite the Right" fascist rally in Charlottesville, VA eighteen months ago. Biden wanted to show he was against White Supremacy and all of its evils. However, optics are very different from substance. Biden went on to call the entire Trump era an "aberrant moment in time". As in, not the culmination of any trends, but a sudden break away from the norm. Trump is not part of America, he is an invasive disease. You can "other" him and "other" those Nazis in Virginia. They aren't America, they're something else. Biden wants you to know that America is just fine. With him, we can easily sweep all this regrettable unpleasantness under the rug, then carry on with business as usual.

It is tempting to fantasize that we can just hop in a time machine back to 2016. For a lot of people, the Trump era is a time of exhaustion. I hear again and again this sense that time seems to have slowed. That every day is another horror. People are tired of the work and pain of following every calamity. This is wartime, every day is another battle. And I want you to get ready for the reality that the war won't end with the 2020 election.

As much as you may want peace, you can’t go back to 2016. You don’t want to go back to 2015 either or 2014. Because those were imperfect times too. People could tell they were getting a raw deal. Liberals may be nostalgic about a time when the president wasn't an embarrassment. And if you were a white American of enough means, living under Obama meant that politics was easy. It was something you could ignore, because things were fine. It wasn't fine for everybody else, but never mind that.

I want to specifically note that Joe Biden was willing to use Charlottesville as a campaign prop, but he wasn't actually on those streets counter-protesting the Nazis. Why would he be? His skin isn't in the game. He's been in the halls of power long enough that he'll be good and rich no matter what. To Biden, the problem with the Nazis wasn’t that they were Nazis, but they were loud and that he had to see tiki torches on the front page of the New York Times. The problem with Trump isn't Trump or real politics that affect real people, but how it reminds Biden of unfortunate things he'd rather ignore. Biden has lived his entire life fighting for a pretty okay America for those who already have, not the Have-Nots. Biden might as well campaign on "Make America Fine Again". That doesn't mean actually improving America. No Biden, is the man who will make it cleaner and less problematic for people like him. And is that the best we can do?

Devil May Cry 5: A Supercar Stuck in Low Gear

PSA: The author of this piece has never played a Devil May Cry game before. He jumped in assuming his experience in playing things like Kingdom Hearts, God of War, and all things Platinum Games would be enough. He also assumed that since he knew his anime bullshit, following the storyline would not be too difficult. All he knew is that there was a dude named Dante, he had an evil edgelord brother named Vergil, and hardcore fans of the series hated the Ninja Theory reboot. Also the author is adding that Ninja Theory reboot to his "to play" list.

Devil May Cry 5 is a gas-guzzling, carbon-emitting muscle car for an age where everybody has switched to hybrid engines and fuel economy. It wants to be indulgent and spectacular and something that will look great on a teenage boy's wall. I won't deny that it looks the part. The heroes are full of adolescent cool, the women have a funny habit of losing all their clothes, and the graphics are amazing. It even comes with a buttrock soundtrack. The valves and pistons in this big 12-cylinder engine of combat options are expertly engineered. However, Devil May Cry 5 is also an impracticable beast. It should be a joy ride but instead I found it very frustrating.

Last month I praised Kingdom Hearts III for being a PlayStation 2 throwback in the PlayStation 4 era. However, if Kingdom Hearts III is gaming's Amish Country, then Devil May Cry 5 is a Renaissance Fair. Capcom's devs act so behind the times they think "open world" means Grand Theft Auto III, that "Soulsborne" is a Metal band, and that "shlooter" is some kind of weird sex position. Devil May Cry 5 is a linear level-based game that is almost entirely single-player. You can use the word "arcade-y" when describing it. This was retro in 2009, and is outright transgressive in 2019. Devil May Cry 5 just wants to be a game, nothing more, god bless it. It has no deep ideas on its mind and has nothing to say about anything.

And sure, I love this kind of high-calorie fattening video game, but why am I still hungry after this meal?