Academy Awards 2012 Post-Game Show

So as usual, the news reports are calling last night's show to "the worst show ever", there have been a few comparisons to a funeral, and Billy Crystal was roasted by the critics.  The negative reception was as much a surprise as "The Artist" winning Best Picture.  A lot of people complain about Final Fantasy fans are always negative about every new release and we all have on idea what we want, but professional Academy critics are at least as bad, if not worse.  Suddenly drunken James Franco looks good?  What?  Billy Crystal was a heck of a better host than Hathaway-Franco, and they were better than Adam Baldwin-Steven Martin.  So I'd say its a plus.

Yeah, the show got boring around 10:45, but when has it not run out of steam in the third hour?  Yeah, more of the schtick blew up on the runway than took off, but that's to be expected with Oscars these days.  The frontrunner won, there wasn't going to be any last minute wins by "Crash" this year, and you could easily be disappointed by that.  If you have a grudge on "The Artist", everything you've been saying about the Academy Awards being a decadent meaningless celebration for old people will be proven true.  Honestly, if you think that, why are you watching in the first place?  "The Artist" is probably a damn good movie, even if its not something I particularly want to see* (but its looking like I have to now, but more importantly, its a really unconventional movie and that's what the Academy was going for this year:  something different.  Oh, but somebody is going to find a way to complain anyway, bully to them.  And there were still some great moments, a few good rifts from Billy Crystal, and Mila Kunis looking fine.  I see no reason for the Oscars to reinvent themselves.

Now, since I do this every year, I'll just recap the Oscars quickly for anybody who might have missed the best parts.  I would have live-blogged this, but I was kinda busy... you know, watching the show.  Who needs to have their face deep in a laptop tweeting or whatever it is Internet people do these days when Best Actress is going up?

• First of all, something horrible seems to have happened with the microphones last night.  First Billy Crystal's opening song was almost inaudible (perhaps as a veiled reference to "The Tree of Life"), meaning that the mic gain had to be turned up.  Unfortunately the poor sound guy seems to have put the gain too high, meaning that for roughly an hour there were a weird feedback buzz with every single speech.  Now, I actually have worked a soundboard - notably not the soundboard at the largest theatre event of the entire year - but a soundboard at a few shows.  And I could have fixed that, why can't the Academy Awards?  Didn't they test their sound equipment before the show?  You'd think the most talented board op on Earth would be able to notice a problem a college student part-timer could catch.
• Secondly, Billy Crystal's opening movie... not all that funny, I'm sorry to say.  Seeing him kiss George Clooney was the real highlight, because he's living out a lifelong fantasy of mine.  Then Justin Beiber made an unwelcome appearance in "Midnight in Paris", making me miss the steady thespian skills of Owen Wilson.
• For most of the technical awards, "Hugo" swept the stage and for the first hour of the show it looked like this was Scorsese Night.  For a second my hopes were lifted, I thought "Hugo" might just pull off an underdog win... sadly no.  I knew "The Artist" had the game wrapped up when they took Best Director, and from there the silent movie roared with fury and stole the show.  
• Luckily "Tree of Life" didn't win Best Cinematography like I feared - it was a very pretty and well-shot movie, the rest of it was shit so I didn't want it to win jack shit.  Terry Malice also didn't show up, possibly out drinking and whoring with the absent Woody Allen.
• "Drive" lost the one award it was actually up for:  Best Sound Editing.  Sound Editing is a technical award that I don't think even should be included in the main telecast, its the kind of thing that is so basic to movie-making that most people don't even notice it.  The only movie with bad sound editing is "Turkish Star Wars".  How can you decide that "Drive"'s sound editing was good unless you're actually a sound engineer yourself?  Did "Hugo" have better sound editing?  I have no idea, and neither does the rest of the world.
• Christopher Plumber might have had the best acceptance speech, but Octavia Spencer stole the show with a tearful thank you.  Now I feel bad that I didn't pay enough attention to "The Help", because I forgot what her role was (>_<).  Also, why is Viola Davis up for Best Actress when Emma Stone's character was the lead?  She didn't win anyway, but it bugs me.
• Two nightmares:  J-Lo's disgusting nipple slowly popping out of her dress and all of Angelina Jolie.  Brad Pitt seriously needs to get that woman to an In-N-Out Burger, because it looks like she's pregnant with a vampire baby.  Seriously, check out her elbows, my god, woman!
• Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy introduced the best moment of the night, the weird Cirque du Soleil dance number about going to the movies.  I'm not sure what movies they're watching, but now I want to try a few.  Just imagine what kind of dances they would be doing if they were watching "Human Centipede 2".
• Even though the Oscars sure feel nice about giving an Iranian film an Academy Award, one little gold statue isn't going to stop World War III.
• I really loved the heart-felt interviews with actors about their first experience seeing a movie.  Brad Pitt referenced the legendary Japanese giant monster movie, "War of the Gargantuas", which is actually a movie several times better than all nine of the Best Picture nominees.  Even Adam Sandler got to tell his story, even if he's up for a record 11 Razzies thanks to making some of the worst movies of all time last year.
• At first I thought Emma Stone's schtick while giving out her award was just utterly horrible and un-funny.  Then I realized she was actually mocking 2011's Academy Awards, then it got funny.  Also, she burned Ben Stiller's ass, good for her.
• In fact, let me give my own first movie theater experience.  When I was just six months old, my mom and grandma brought me and my stroller into a Demi Moore movie, "Mortal Thoughts".  I apparently slept through the entire thing.  The first movie I remember seeing is "Pocahontas" in 1995.  In the last seventeen years, I've seen at least two-hundred more movies in the theaters, and let's hope for two hundred more!
• Jean Dujardin got Best Actor for his silent role in "The Artist".  However, once he opened his mouth, he proved himself to be the French Nicholas Cage, and that's awesome.  Are there any good movies he's in where he gets to speak?
• I also liked that they brought the dog to the Oscars for "The Artist".  And that the producer of the movie is none other than Peter Lorre, back from the dead.  I mean, this guy doesn't look a little bit like Peter Lorre, he's looks exactly like Peter Lorre.  And that's also awesome.
• I really wish they performed Man or Muppet.  That would have really helped the 11 PM doldrums.  By the way, the heck was the deal with just two nominees this year for Best Song?  And neither of them being a song from "Winnie the Pooh"?

So anyway, there really weren't any surprised beyond a Best Actress win by Meryl Streep for that "Oscar Bait Movie Nobody Saw".  And even that is only a surprise in that we're always surprised when Meryl Streep doesn't win every year.  I was really hoping that "Hugo" could pull an eleventh hour win, but we all knew this was "The Artist"'s year.  Oh well.

"Drive" was still the best movie of 2011.

Here's to next year.

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* Come April Fools the 32nd Golden Raspberry Awards will announce the Worst Movie of 2011, and so far its looking like its going to be none other than "Jack and Jill", Adam Sandler's Crime Against Humanity.  Or it just might be "Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star".  So when the Worst Picture is announced, I'll watch it back to back with the Best Picture, "The Artist".  And maybe we'll all learn something from the experience.