LOOK AND DESPAIR at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer

Well, we all knew this was coming.  Michael Bay has been threatening to produce a Transformers-style Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles blockbuster for years.  All he wanted for ransom was a trillion dollars and his own fleet of army helicopters to fly at sunset, we should have paid.  But President Obama does not negotiate with terrorists, so Michael Bay went through with the threat... and God Help Us, here is the trailer:

And - you know - I am a very outspoken person, and I say a lot of things on the Internet.  I really love to abuse hyperbole.  But!  I am fair above all else.  I always admit when I am wrong.

This... is not one of those times.  "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" looks like ass.  It looks like the things that come out of asses:  shit.  The turtles look like lumpy CG freaks.  They look like somebody microwaved their 80s action figures.  Did Shrek mate with the Goombas from the "Super Mario Bros" movie?  The plot is pointlessly violent and quote-on-quote "realistic" "dark" - AKA:  "we want to rip-off 'The Dark Knight' six years later" - bullshit.  I love how the Nickelodeon logo, once a symbol of my happy cartoon babies going on adventures, now is being juxtaposed with terrorists shooting machine guns.  I hope you love dubstep rumbling noises, because the Turtles are all about that now.  Remember when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a fun kids show?  They ate pizza?  They had catch-phrases?  They fought giant brains from space?

Yeah, the 80s were a better time.  Here's the trailer to the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" film.  Its funny, and adorable, and shameless and fun.  Its a movie made to be Ninja Turtles, funny puppetry and non-serious action.  Just lovely.