Streaming Availability: AMC+
Fun fact: in some territories this movie was not released until 2001. So Dracula 2000 is also Dracula 2001.
Dimension Films put Wes Craven’s name all over Dracula 2000.
“Wes Craven Presents” says the trailer. The poster renames the movie '-Wes
Craven Presents- Dracula 2000'. The DVD cover has an obtrusive bold text quote in
the middle comparing the movie to “Wes Craven’s Scream Trilogy”. However, this
is not a Wes Craven movie. I’m not actually sure what “presenting” a movie actually
means, since Craven is only credited as an executive producer. The director is
instead Patrick Lussier, who also has a Story By credit, and was the co-editor,
and went on to direct the two straight-to-video sequels. Nightmare on Elm
Street fans, sorry for the disappointment. Drive Angry fans, get hype.
Dracula 2000 is doing the same thing that Hammer’s Dracula A.D. 1972 was doing – bringing that stodgy old Victorian vampire into the, per the DVD cover quote, “hip and happening” Current Year. Instead of Seventies Chelsea and hippies, Dracula will now be going to Nu Metal raves. There’s a lot of long flowing coats, wire-fu action scenes, and oh so much product placement. Just like Dracula A.D. 1972, Dracula 2000 was initially mocked as being a lame pandering movie, and now, twenty-two years later, poser or not, it has become an interesting period piece.
Nobody has to be embarrassed about enjoying System of a Down or Disturbed anymore. Staind sucks more than it did twenty years ago, however.
Like the Hammer film, Dracula’s nemesis is a Van Helsing descendant, Matthew (the great Christopher Plummer), who claims to be the grandson of the figure from
the Stoker novel. That novel apparently exists in this universe. Matthew is running
an antique business with military grade security in London, built right over the ruins of Carfax Abbey, with his assistant, Simon (Jonny Lee Miller). Unfortunately, all
this security attracts the wrong kind of attention, as a gang of sleek super thieves break into the vault, expecting to find wild riches. Instead, they find
a coffin, and a Dracula inside played by a distressingly young and hot Gerard
Butler. Soon he's on the loose in New Orleans with a growing harem of vampire babes
played by Jennifer Esposito and Jeri Ryan (my dude can pick ‘em, holy shit), and again, as in the Hammer movie, he wants a Van Helsing daughter to complete his crew.
Turns out that “Matthew” Van Helsing is actually Abraham Van
Helsing posing as his grandson. Having used Dracula’s blood and leeches to remain
functionally immortal for a century. Since Van Helsing’s DNA is has become percentage
Dracula, his young daughter, Mary (Justine Waddell), has a genetic and psychic
link to the Count. Mary must resist the temptation to become a vaguely incestuous vampire wife. In the meantime, Dracula bites her roommate, the ever-doomed Lucy (Colleen
Ann Fitzpatrick, Vitamin C! Wtf!?), “named after the Peanuts character”.
Matthew/Abraham and Simon rush over to America to stop Dracula and uncover his dark
secret of immortality.
I should also introduce the most important character of
Dracula 2000: the Virgin Megastore at 620 Decatur St. New Orleans, LA 70130.
This place shows up more often in this movie than IHOP does in Man of Steel, I am not kidding. Mary and Lucy work there, but also wear Virgin T-shirts around their house. Dracula takes a moment to admire the hard rock edge of the place
before walking in. The camera lovingly lingers on the Virgin logo. When Dracula
arrives, we see that the store is full of cute single chicks, who of course,
are all visibly horny for Gerard Butler – can’t blame them. So, if you need
some Slayer CDs, you know where to go.
Or maybe not, since all the Virgin Megastores closed down like
ten years ago. Oh well. I hope Dracula didn't fall in love with the Suncoast too while he was here.
Luckily for our heroes, Simon is surprisingly good at
killing people with Van Helsing’s wacky arsenal weapons, especially a cool
needle gun that fires silver. Unluckily for our heroes and for the
audience, Van Helsing is killed by Dracula off-camera. The removes Christopher Plummer,
who is the most dignified part of this production.
Simon and Mary hit the local library to figure out why
Dracula cannot die. Sure, beheadings and stakings and sunlight all work on Dracula’s
minions, but not Dracula. Also, why should Dracula be weak to silver? Well,
turns out, Dracula is not just Vlad the Impaler. No, he’s much bigger than
that. The Count is none other than Judas, the traitor Apostle of Jesus Christ,
having been cursed to walk the Earth for thousands of years. See, he’s weak to
silver because of the thirty silver coins. (Very neat, but how does this
explain garlic?) In our grand climax, Dracula confronts the Son of God as seen
on a neon billboard in the French Quarter, interspersed with Ken Russell-esque artsy
flashbacks to ancient Jerusalem.
Which is certainly a tone shift for Dracula 2000, let me
tell you. This movie is not utterly slapstick but it is pretty ridiculous top
to bottom. A dude gets a leech in his eye. Dracula bangs a topless Vitamin C upside-down on
the ceiling. Unlike Dracula A.D. 1972, this
version is not trying to keep a classic Dracula that just so happens to be in
modern times. No, he’s dressed in flowing Matrix clothes and looks ready to go to the club. All of Dracula’s
minions are quip machines, and the film is full of extra bodies for them to eat. “I can even see the outline of your cock through your pants…” says
a vampire Jennifer Esposito to the detective that has her locked up. Crosses do
not work on vampire Mike Tomlin Omar Epps because he’s an atheist.
If Dracula 2000 was going to be suddenly be a movie about the
pain of faith and a sense of abandonment by your God, maybe they shouldn’t have
cast Nathan Fillon as Mary’s priest? I can’t stop laughing at that.
Here’s the thing, Dracula 2000 is not a great movie by any
means. However, it is never not entertaining. Confession: this was the very first Dracula movie I saw as a kid, and I loved it when I was nine. I laughed a lot rewatching it, and
I enjoy laughing for any reason. Sure, it is going hard for an aesthetic that
would be utterly embarrassing within just a few years. But don’t assume that
your favorite MCU films of today won’t be subject to mockery soon. Dracula 2000
is not a Bram Stoker’s Dracula for the new millennium,, but it is a lot
better than a Y2K Mobius.
Next Time! I really wish this was the movie for the thirtieth
of the month, not the twenty-ninth. It hurts me that Day 29 will be 30 Days of Night.
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