Drag Me to Hell

Hello, Space Monkies.

What is up with all my reviews being of movies that came out like nine months ago? I would do something more recent, but honestly there just isn't anything out that's really worth a view. Basically everything out there is either putting me to sleep ("Planet 51"), or interesting, but not interesting enough to warrant going out to theatre and paying 8 bucks ("The Road"). I don't have a job, I have to be very careful about what I'm going to spend what little money I have left on. So renting is just going to be a way of life.

And for tonight's Tale, we have the movie I meant to get yesterday! Sam Raimi's majestic return to horror, "Drag Me to Hell".

I missed this one in its theatrical run largely for the reason I mentioned earlier: I'm a poor college student without a job. (Also I waste what little money I manage to dig together on junk food and video games, but that's a different story.) "Drag Me to Hell" looked good, but it didn't look THAT good. Basically a rental experience seemed like it would not be such a huge lose in quality, though now that I've seen the movie I already regret not seeing this in a crowded theatre. The biggest part of this film is the sheer bloody fun of gross-out effects and humor, and without the sight and sounds of a happily disgusted audience something has definitely been lost.

That's probably why I'm just a little bit disappointed here. The Spoony One gave this movie a rave review, probably his most glowing review ever. (If you don't know who the Spoony One is, you are seriously missing out. Go to the spoonyexperiment.com right now, Space Monkies!) Yet, I can't say I was quite as enthralled as he was. I mean yeah, watching a chick choke on an entire arm being shoved down her throat - its awesome. I loved the possessed talking goat. I giggled in glee when the main character puked blood all over her boss. But even so, it wasn't scary. There was not a single moment in this entire movie where I was legitimately afraid. And I'm not entirely sure why. Even the worth piece of crap horror movie like "A Haunting in Connecticut" got me shaking in my seat yelling at myself: "why in the Hell do I watch movies like this if I'm just going to get myself all worked up and freaked out?" But "Drag Me to Hell" just didn't do it for me. I can't say I gave two craps about the main character. I can't name anything specifically, she just wasn't very interesting. Not very pretty, not funny, not anything. So if she lived or died, I'm fine either way.

One theory I have is just how incredibly stupid she acts throughout this movie. For instance, like I mentioned before, she pukes blood all over her boss. I mean, she pukes out like a gallon of gore on the guy. Okay, that's bad, but any normal person would instantly go to the hospital about it. In fact, this movie seems like a strange little world where horrific things can happen to you and yet nobody cares. She gets attacked savagely in the parking lot by a crazy gypsy, however nobody in her bank shows the slightest bit of concern. She gets formaldehyde dumped down her throat, yet she doesn't show any worry that the poison going through her veins might be a problem. Maybe I'm over-thinking it, but the "Evil Dead" movies never got this unrealistic. Even in "Evil Dead 2", where things started getting more goofy than scary, I could at least understand what was going through the minds of the characters at every moment.

I don't know, you guys... Maybe its just that I saw "Evil Dead" no less than two months ago and that movie is still fresh in my mind. That right there, that's a scary goddamn movie. I wound up turning every single light in my dorm room, that's how freaked out of my shit I was. The cheesy effects, the bad make-up, it just enhances the experience. Looking at a fully-fleshed CG ghoul just does not have the same chilling effect as a chunky hunk of 80s fake horror gore. I'm not so disappointed with this movie, I mean it did have a talking goat, but still. Its not as great as I was expecting.

TALKING GOATS FOREVER!!!!!