Monday, January 4, 2010

Worst Movies of the Decade

Hey, Space Monkees!

Yesterday I did my most epic post ever by reviewing the eleven best movies of the Naughts, and today I officially gave that decade a name by calling it "the Naughts" in this very sentence.  I'm very found of the decade I just named, and am pretty sad to see it go.

However, despite my recent run celebrating that span of ten years, I must also go into the what really pissed me off about the Naughts.  First of all, cellphones, they're loud, annoying, and they mean that anybody in the world can talk to me at any time.  Can't I get any peace and solitude?  Second of all, American Idol - enough said on the subject.  Third, the fact that these days there are about eighty ways for you show salutations through a hand gesture.  Back in the 90s it was just a handshake for formality, high-five if you're feeling funky.  Now we have pounding it, hand sliding, dapping, and a million other gestures.  Meeting with people has become an insane guessing game of numerous options, with every wrong guess now a gaping hole straight into an embarrassing faux pas.

But since my blog has a bizarre proclivity to commenting on technological works of fiction, here are the movies of the decade that really really got me unbelievably mad.  These were the massive disappointments, the wasted eight bucks and two hours in a dark (usually empty) theatre.


What the heck was that?  ...Must have been my imagination.  Anyway, its list time!  Since these movies are garbage, I'm not going to list them in any kind of order.  I'm not even going to give them numbers:
  • Jurassic Park III (2001):  The first two movies were great, but this third one was just awful.  I really don't know how awful, because I pretty much checked out after one particularly annoying sequence early on.  You see, the hero of the first two movies - the franchise logo - the T-Rex is killed off as soon as they get to Jurassic Park by some nobody new dinosaur with a silly fin.  You don't kill off my favorite dinosaur like that!  Movie ruined, franchise dead.  Get me my money back.
  • Halloween (2007):  A remake of the 1978 horror classic I so loved as a little kid.  Only it completely misses the point of the movie.  Slasher movies are not about the killer.  Who cares about the killer?  They're nobody, just an empty vessel of darkness, more animal than man.  You didn't need to explain where Michael Myers came from, and even if you did, it didn't have to be so...  mudane.  Then the rest of the movie is just the same old slasher affair.  Snore.
  • The Good Shepard (2006):  Here's a very clear sign of danger right from the start:  insufferable running-joke of a film critic Armond White liked this movie.  First of all, its boring.  I mean, unbelievably boring.  You've seen Matt Damon in good movies, I'm sure, he can be a leading man.  Instead here he's a poker-faced patriot, generally lacking a single moral bone in his body.  Its "Syriana" boring, only without the George Clooney scenes.  Wait, Matt Damon was in that movie too...  Huh.  Well, here he's a "realistic" spy, an anti-James Bond.  And trust me, by the end of this almost three-hour movie, you'll miss James Bond.  Quite simply, the worst sin is not the dullness of this feature, its the lack of any kind of moral center.  Matt Damon plays a despicable character, fooled by class snobbery into a misguided sense of duty, yet at no point does the movie ever attempt to speak against him.  There's no Michael Corleone all alone with his crimes like at the end of "Godfather 2". Only more boredom.  I'm offended, moving on. 
    (Yes....  Get angry.  Get angry!)

    What the heck is that?  Are you Space Monkees hearing somebody talking?
    • Transformers (2007 - 2009):  They're simply bad.  Next movie.
    • Mulholland Drive (2001):  A positively infuriating film.  It begins as your basic murder mystery plot, lots of weird things happen, but you're sure by the end that it will all come together.  And you're even treated to a lovely lesbian love scene with Naomi Watts.  Yay!  Then you realize the movie only has twenty minutes left, and it is nowhere near solving anything.  Then the two main characters watch some kind of weird song, and everything stop making any sense.  Tiny old people chase Naomi through her house, she's actually three different people, something about a key, what the heck is going on???  Credits.  No answers.  Its just another David Lynch joke.
    • Brokeback Mountain (2005):  Supposedly some kind of major breakthrough for homosexuality in cinema.  At least that's what I was told.  Instead its basically just another forlorn love story - only with men.  And there is no chemistry at all, just one second they're herding sheep, the next they're madly in love with each other.  I think director Ang Lee just flipped some Plot Contrivance switch.  Also notably bad for having every single one of the late Health Ledger's lines completely incomprehensible.  And it also loses ten points for that stupid "I wish I could quit you" joke that long lived past its lifespan.
    (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Unleash the fury!  Rage!  Fume!  Rip those movies apart, Blue!)

    Okay, I am definitely hearing something.  Who the heck is that??

    (Nothing you need to concern yourself with...  Just keep on listing.  Hehehehe....)

    Umm...  right.  Just be quiet, creepy italics voice.
    • House of the Dead (2003):  The arcade video game series had terrible voice acting and a terrible storyline.  But even so, infamous director Uwe Bole managed to make something even worse.  The action doesn't make sense, the effects are laughable, and the plot is ludicrous.  In a decade filled with unbelievably terrible horror movies, this somehow manages to take the cake.
    • Star Wars:  The Clone Wars (2008):  A disaster of epic proportions.  This decade has not been kind to the Star Wars franchise, with mediocre movie coming after mediocre movie.  Episode III sort of improved things, but it was very far away from the classics of the 70s and 80s.  This CGI cartoon is not really a theatrical motion picture - its just an extended pilot to a Cartoon Network TV show.  But it was released a movie, so it must be judged as a movie.  And it was terrible.  Cringeworthy dialogue, a mindless weak plot, and absolutely nothing in the least bit exciting happening here.  I walked out of the theatre.  Yes, I walked out on a Star Wars movie.  It may not have been the worst movie of the decade, but it was certainly the worst experience I've ever had in a theatre since...  well, ever.  On the list, this must be.
    • Southland Tales (2007):  A complete wreck of a movie.  Absolutely incomprehensible from beginning to end.  There might have been a real storyline someplace within this over-populated and over plotted mess of a movie, but it never made it to the screen.  Instead director Richard Kelly decided to make the Worst Movie Ever Made.  Thank God its completely unknown, or else more people might have had to suffer through this disaster of a movie.  Usually when I rent a bad movie, I'm there just for the "so bad its hilarious" factor.  But this is not even entertaining on that level.  What a mess...  I'm almost at a loss for words-
    (Oh, having trouble are we?  Then allow me to step in.  This movie is shit!  Absolute eye-peeling, nose bleeding shit.  The kind of shit that makes you question if in fact there is a Kind and Loving God.  The kind of shit makes you hate the entire universe for allowing such an abomination to ever exist.)

    Whoa!  Whoa!  Calm down, dude!  Creepy Italics Voice, I hate "Southland Tales", but I don't hate it that much.  There can't possibly be anything that bad.

    (Oh, but you're mistaken, Blue.  You are mistaken.  You DO hate "Southland Tales" that much.  Only you're too much of a coward to say so yourself, you stupid bitch.)

    Hey, that's not very nice...  Who the heck are you, anyway?

    (Only yourself, you stupid little bitch.  Only yourself...)

    Okay...  That's weird and cryptic and all, but that doesn't actually make any sense.  And can you watch the language.  Cursing is fun, but we don't need swim in it.

    (It doesn't have to make sense!  I'm talking in italics, bitch!  I'll curse all I want.  FUCK YOU!!  And this stupid little blog of yours can go fuck itself too!)

    Jeeze, guy.  What the heck is your problem?

    (My problem is you!  You, bitch!  You just sit there, trying to act all composed, when all you really want to do is unleash your anger.  Be angry, destroy these movies!  Let them suffer for all the pain they've caused you!  Its time to bu-)

    I don't think that anything I say would ever cause these movies or the people who made them any pain.  Its a waste of time, Creepy Italics Voice.  I'm actually getting a little tired of this nonsense.  Can you get to your point, whatever it is?

    (Shut up!  I'm on a rant here, bitch!  Don't you know who I am?  I'm you!  An avatar of your own anger that you've been surpressing out of some kind of silly idea of being "polite".  You make me sick, motherfucker.)

    Okay, that's enough.  You are not me.  And I don't think anybody would ever call me "polite".

    (Yes I am!)

    Am not.

    (Am too!)

    Am not.

    (Am too!)

    Am not.

    (Am too times million!  Take that, bitch!)

    Okay, get out of here, whoever you are.

    (No I won't!  My name is RedHighwind, and I not going to leave!)

    Oh so you're not me!


    Yeah get out of here, or I'll call the cops, you sick little weirdo!

    (.....Okay.  I'll go.  But this isn't the last of me that you'll see!  No!  I'll be backkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

    ....That was weird.

    What the heck was I talking about?  I don't remember.  Let's end this post right here.


      1. Gone talking to a wall. (I can't believe I just said that!) *shot*

      2. You should have made an honorable mention to Uwe Boll, the creator of the wrost of the worst in video game movies.

      3. I believe you mean DIS-honorable mention. Having just seen "In the Name of the King", I can attest to his incompetence. Although, the not-orc setting himself on fire and launching himself out of a catapult was hilarious.

      4. Uwe Bole got his time to shine... err, whatever the opposite of shining is, on this list. I made sure to include "House of the Dead", which I saw long before I ever heard of the huge controversy surrounding his name. I didn't include any movies I saw but knew were going to be bad. Well, that's not wholly true, "Star Wars 2.5" didn't have much promise, but I never thought it would be THAT bad.

        And anyway, this whole thing was RedHighwind's idea. Talk to him.

      5. wasn't RedHighwind in fact, your sister? I seem to remeber something like that from the FFWiki

      6. RedHighwind is BlueHighwind. I think he openly stated that on the FFW