Blue Rewrites Cloud Mows the Lawn

Last weekend when I tuned in at midnight for another fun episode of "Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood" I was disappointed to find that, as always, the English dubs were moving at a glacial pace*.  So instead of a new episode, the entire show is repeating again, meaning that I won't know if (spoiler) Ed and Envy and that Chinese Dude can escape Gluttony's Hammerspace until sometime next spring, maybe.  SHIT!

Wait a second.... "Shit".  The reminds me of something...

Ah yes, a few weeks ago I read the most hilarious bit of fanfiction ever in my entire life.  Based on "Final Fantasy VII" very loosely, it was called "Cloud Mows the Lawn" and written by a person known only as Rasso (I don't want to know anything else about this author).  Whether man, woman, or robotic bunny riding a pink ogre operated by a Shinra Executive, either way Rasso is an undeniable freak with little concern for international copyright laws.  I'm going to spare you the ordeal of reading it, but if you must know what happens, Masterpiece Fanfic Theatre has a dramatic read here.  Trust me, its one of the funniest things ever, if you're not faint of stomach.  Also there is a chance that you may not be able to look yourself in the mirror ever again if by happenstance you get sexually aroused.  I still have not decided whether or not this story is just a joke or actually is Rasso's fetish, and I can't decide which possibility is worse.

However, as fascinatingly weird as Rasso's fetishistic story may be, I find that he greatly missed his chance for something of true artistic merit.  You see, I only wanted a story about Cloud doing gardening, little more.  As long as Cloud has a lawnmower and a lawn below him. that's all I need.  I loved the story right up until the eight paragraph, when it turned from lawn care to... umm, shit.  Also Rasso's writing skill is also... well, crap.  I think the real point of this story is the lawn, and it should be changed to reflect that.  So here's my rewrite:  (On a similar note, I already have a draft of "Balthier Cleans the Gutters" in the works and am very close to finishing "Terra Filters the Pool".)

Tifa knelt behind by the window, gazing outward to her man in the backyard**.  She let out a sigh of contentment as she watched Cloud move back in forth across their lovely green lawn.  Though she was sitting in the cool kitchen, she could easily feel the hot summer air of the yard.  Cloud's skin glistened in a mixture of sweat and dew, and bits of green cuttings were trapped in his Chocobo-shaped blond hair.  Tifa considered bringing him a tall glass of cool lemonade, but decided against it.  He would finish gardening eventually, and she should get her fill of the spectacle when she could.  Neither of them felt any shame in the ritual, Tifa liked to ogle her man and her man liked to be ogled.  It was their little game, and they both loved it.

Cloud turned towards the kitchen window for a moment and gave her a wink, though he certainly couldn't see Tifa through the kitchen blinds he knew she was there watching him mow.  Putting on his best show, he took off his purple shirt and jogging pants, leaving only heart-covered white boxers below.  He wasn't the buffest man in the world, but Tifa loved him even at his skinniest.  For whatever reason she needed her men pretty and soft and womanly... perhaps it was best not to analyze this any further.  Either way, staring at his nearly nude body made Tifa feel heat right between her legs.

But making a rival for the loveliness of her man was their lawn.  They had spent hours at the Home Depot looking for just the perfect type of turf.  After a long period of frustration they finally said, aloud, in union "Bermudagrass!" and then had a good laugh.  The lawn might have been expensive to keep up, but it was a nice enough hobby.  Plus it made their backyard a thing of absolute beauty.  Twenty meters wide and ten meters long, it was a massive project and needed at least two hours of work every week.  On one side was a large wooden fence, on the other sides there was nothing but forest.  Their house might have been a bit rural, but on the Planet that was a good thing.  Big cities are always more likely to get hit by meteors, as history has shown.  Everybody loved the lawn and appreciated the effort they had put into it.  Barret even donated a crude scrap-metal sculpture in the shape of a Moogle to "beauty up this #@#%ing place!" as he said.  The sculpture was awful and ugly and looked nothing like a Moogle really, but they were nice enough to keep it there, just to keep the man with the machine gun-arm happy.  Cloud and Tifa's house would for the rest of their days be the site of every AVALANCHE barbecue and party.

But as much as they loved playing host, what they loved above everything else was mowing it.  It had become the highlight of their week:  Cloud would water it, then mow it, and then tear out the dandelions that occasionally popped out unwanted from the ground.  At the end, Cloud would jump in the shower to wash away the stink and sweat.  Tifa would sneak in to join him, and they would have their time together alone.  Tifa reflected that the happiest moments in her life seemed to be the ones of the most simplicity:  mowing the lawn, eating a good meal, going on an amusement park ride, kissing her man for the first time.  This was a good day and there would be many more, hopefully.

The secret to a good lawn is perfect uniformity.  Every blade of grass must be relatively the same height, each square foot contain relatively the same density, and all must be a constant shade of green.  No dirt must show, no blades can be too high, no area may yellow, and no one section can be too thick, or else the overall of a clean carpet of lively green is ruined.  Instead of a lawn you just have grass.  Cloud and Tifa knew that lawn care was just as much an art as painting and sculpting, only a much more complex one due to the nature of the canvas.  Lawns are living things, not only must they be molded to the correct artistic form, they all also must be cared for and kept healthy.  Raising a lawn is like raising a child.  For that reason, Cloud always mowed with an antique turn-mower, not the modern gas ones.  It was just a small step of extra tenderness and care that kept their lawn the most beautiful one in the neighborhood, perhaps even on the whole of the Planet.

Yes, the rest of the Planet might be suffering from endless war and attacks by various Sephiroth knock-offs, but they had saved the world how many times now?  At least half a dozen.  Cloud and Tifa deserved to have each other and their lawn and their adopted children.  Denzel and Marlene had gone to Gold Saucer with Uncle Cid, and so Tifa had the house all to herself - and her man of course.  It was going to be a lovely evening:  no kids, no robotic Scottish cats, and no giant Godzilla monsters.  Life was good, and it deserved to be that way... at least until the next freaky thing attacked.

As Cloud continued to cross back and forth around the lawn, Tifa suddenly felt her stomach rumble.  Her cheeks felt hot as she filled-up with embarrassment.  Her stomache rumbled again, this time more violently.  For a moment Tifa imagined black acid bubbling inside her and boiling her insides.  She would need to go to the bathroom - and now.  She cherished every moment of watching Cloud mow the lawn, and did not want to get up.  The floor below was an expensive tile, just redone, and Tifa did not want to ruin it, or worse:  ruin her dress.  What would she do?

(Its at this point that Rasso decided to write the sentence:  "When a girl has to shit, a girl has to shit!"  The story never does quite recover from there, and systematically gets worse.  Tifa will probably need to get major surgery after some of the stuff that happens in Rasso's version.)

The choice was obvious, of course.  Tifa went to the bathroom.  Yeah, watching Cloud was fun, their was a much more pressing biological need to deal with first.  She was done fast enough to see Cloud finish the very last patch of grass, the bit right in front of Barret's awful scrap-metal Moogle thing.  By the time Cloud was done, the lawn never looked better.

They made love in the shower afterwards.  The clippings in Cloud's hair circled down the drain with the soap and shampoo.  Another beautiful moment in a lovely day.  Then they went to dinner.  The Hedgehog Pies did not taste quite as good as they had hoped when they ordered them, but it certainly didn't ruin the evening.  Cloud and Tifa ended the night with a walk along the river.  Tifa tried to remember a time when she loved her man more than that second, but nothing came to mind.  It was almost perfect, but then a one-winged giant octapus with Sephiroth's face popped out and tried to eat them.

Cloud and Tifa beat up the creature in less than thirty seconds - they never left home without their Materia these days and for good reason.  Though the interruption was only brief, the moment was ruined.  Cloud turned to Tifa and said "Let's go home, honey."  She sighed and nodded, best go to bed now before a giraffe or something came next.  The lawn would always need to be mowed again, and Tifa would look forward to it every day of the coming week.

THE END

ツ

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* For example, the Hellsing Ultimate dub hasn't had a new release in years.  "Bleach" took a seven month hiatus for no discernible reason.  Also "Inuyasha"'s final arc has yet to even be licensed as far as I know.  And what about "Evangelion 2.0"???  I have to wait until 2011??  COME ON JAPAN!  This doesn't seem hard to me:  sell the rights, get a translator, hire actors.  It could be finished in three months, tops.

By the way, on a similar note, the dubs for "Ghost Hound" is out, so there's that.  Of course, having already seen the entire series, it seems pointless to watch it again in English.

** For the sake of the Rasso's artistic vision and my own, you'll just have to assume that Cloud married Tifa and they bought a house with a large backyard and a lovely lawn.  Aerith does appear in the later chapters of the story, having returned from the dead without explanation.  However, there is no real debate over who Cloud really loves in this story.  If you have a problem with CloudxTifa over CloudxAerith, please bitch endlessly in the comments below.  Also, if you notice discontinuities with this story and that of the rest of the FFVII saga, bitch about that too.