Sunday, October 9, 2011

Suing Hollywood

Alright, folks, I hope you're sitting down for this one.

A Michigan woman has filed a lawsuit against FilmDistrict, the distributer of the Best Movie of 2011, "Drive", because she thought it would be movie like "Fast and Furious 5".  Its hard to respond to something like that.  I mean, obviously she's a moron.  But her lawsuit is completely ridiculous.  Look at the trailer for "Drive", its one of the most accurate trailers of the entire year.  When did she miss the fact that this trailer had the words "Cannes Film Festival" clearly presented.  A "Fast and Furious" movie would spontaneously combust if it even tried to enter that city.  That's a film festival that gave its highest award, the Palme d'Or to "Tree of Life", that's all you need to know about these guys.  Maybe I could see her point if the trailer was filled with lowest common denominator gansta rap instead of slow mournful opera, but even then, she's an idiot.  I'll basically hate anybody who attacks "Drive" at the moment, and this Michigan woman is really harvesting on the funny farm.  Oh, and then she claims that the movie is antisemitic because a Jewish character used the word "kike".  This is dumber than suing McDonalds because their French Fries made you fat.

Yeah, this woman is barking up the wrong tree, but is she in the wrong forest?  I know there have been plenty of movies out there will false advertising, and I want them to pay!  For my ticket money, of course.  And pain and suffering in some cases.  I've seen some shit movies in my day, movies so bad that I'm basically emotionally scarred.  After "Battlefield Earth", I was blind for three years, and was mute for four.  This Michigan woman should be glad that the false advertising resulted in her seeing a better movie than she expected, you're rarely that lucky in my experience.  I'm lucky if a bad movie doesn't make me cry.  I'm lucky if a bad movie doesn't leave me bleeding anal blood for weeks.  Michigan Lady, you're whining about nothing.  You should be glad you got that much culture as "Drive", clearly you need it.

So I've contacted my lawyer, I.C. Hasenpfepher Esquire, and we're going to be sending out a few lawsuits of our own against certain films of the last few years.  Here's the list of new film lawsuits you'll be seeing in the next few weeks.

Michael Bay is being sued for "Transformers", "Transformers 2", and "Transformers 3" because those movies were advertised as giant robot action films.  They are not.  They are bad comedies starring unfunny annoying characters with a few random shots of junk metal crashing into each other.  I am demanding seven million dollars for false advertising along with pain and suffering.

Richard Kelly is being sued for "The Box" because that movie was advertised as a classic "Twilight Zone" mystery plot.  Instead it is a really awful Richard Kelly movie.  Instead of a mystery, there's a bunch of random extras starring at the main cast.  I don't know why these people are starring at the actors, but they were.  Hey, Kelly, having characters stare a lot doesn't make for a disturbing movie, it makes for a ride on the PATH train.   Oh, and the main characters run over Santa Claus.  I am demanding eight million dollars for false advertising, and attempted mind rape.

Joe Johnston is being sued for "Captain America" because that movie advertised Captain America fighting Nazis.  He fights no Nazis.  Instead he fights Cobra Commander and assorted cartoon characters.  I am demanding one billion dollars for false advertising and the murder of a fascinating cast of background characters.

Mike Cahill is being sued for "Another Earth" because that movie was advertised as a SciFi film.  It is not at all SciFi, its pretentious arthouse bullshit.  And I was expecting some arthouse bullshit, but I wanted some SciFi with it!  They never even go to Earth 2!!! When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?  NEVER!  I am demanding ninety billion dollars for false advertising and the ruthless molestation of my hopes and dreams.

John Lasseter is being sued for "Cars 2" because that movie was advertised as a Pixar film.  It was clearly a DreamWorks movie, I was conned maliciously and with cruelty.  It was an evil, evil movie that should be buried on the dark side of the Moon.  I am demanding five trillion dollars for false advertising and making my little brother cry.

Rob Zombie is being sued for "Halloween" and "Halloween 2" because those movies were advertised as Michael Myers movies.  WRONG!  They are bad slashers with cheap dime store psychological underpinnings.  Michael Myers was raised by White Trash, that's it?  So what?  In the original movies, he was a walking demon, an average little boy that just happens to turn into an avatar of Satan and murders everybody he sees.  Rob Zombie didn't get it.  Rob, go make "House of 1000 Corpse 3", and stop ruining the best horror movies of all time.  I am demanding fifteen trillion dollars for false advertising and the murder of my childhood.

Martin Campbell is being sued for "Green Lantern" because that movie fucking sucked.  I am demanding all the money in existence because that movie was that bad.


  1. Noein has a clever plot, likeable characters, great action, awesome music, and Crispin Freeman. WHY WON'T YOU WATCH IT?

  2. Also, the artwork and animation are quite good as well.

  3. Hey, Blue, look, a thing that's not Noein:

    Have you considered taking a look at Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys? It's supposed to be much lighter in tone than American Gods, but I'm pretty sure it's set in the same universe.

  4. No more Bleach recaps?

  5. Nah, who needs 'em. There's a whole world of anime out there, why waste time with Bleach.

  6. @Nick. I just clicked that music link of yours, and I must say, I like what I hear. Is the rest of the music that epic? If so, I might give is a burl, even if Blue won't.

  7. @Tequila: To my knowledge, there's not a song in that show that isn't great.

  8. "This is dumber than suing McDonalds because their French Fries made you fat."

    Which has been done more than once.

  9. Disney is being sued because Tangled was advertised as a road trip movie and was instead a Little Mermaid-esque musical


  10. Can we sue the "Final Fantasy: spirits within" movies for not having one thing to do with final fantasy?

    -The 1 &only uzuki

  11. @Xepscern: But Tangled was a road trip movie? Most of the movie was traveling from Mother Gothel's tower to Rapunzel's parents' castle.