Sunday, November 20, 2011

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, Who is Mediocrest of them All?

In 1937 Walt Disney created the first full-length animated film, "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".  It was a timeless classic of American film, starting off a glorious tradition of Disney films that have continued to this day.  Today, "Seven Dwarfs" is the remembered version of the Grimm Brothers fairy tale, and is often cited as the greatest animated film of all time.  All other adaptations have to meet this standard, or inevitably be forgotten.  Personally, if I were going to pick a more modern Snow White movie, I'd go with "Snow White: A Tale of Terror" starring Sigourney Weaver.  If you're wondering what kind of movie that is, read the title carefully.  Well, I guess Hollywood has once again run out of ideas, so now they're making not one, but two live-action remakes of Snow White for next year.  And they both look terrible.

I'll start with the more decent one first, "Snow White & the Huntsman".

It all starts out decent enough, with a soundtrack borrowed directly from "Tron: Legacy" and Charlize Theron acting creepy.  And then she's bathing naked in white paint, and well, that's... that's just fine by me!  She's sucking out souls, there's medieval knights fighting, this all looks good.  A dark character study starring the Evil Queen.  Then Charlize asks her mirror who the "fairest of them all" is.... and guess who they cast?

Fucking Bella Swan.  You can starting laughing now.

WHAT?  Bella is a the fairest of them all?  She's not even the fairest in her own movies!  She's not even close to the fairest, get Ashley Greene, or Anna Kendrick, or that cute Asian chick, or Julia Jones, anybody but Bella.  Vacant stare, constantly open-mouth in a scowl of sarcasm, she's okay, but she's not in any league with Charlize Theron.  Who are they kidding?  No wonder why the Evil Queen is going psychotic, comparing any woman to Kristen Stewart is pretty insulting.  She can't smile.  What kind of person can't smile?

Then I'm like, maybe this is a movie about the Evil Queen.  "Snow White: A Tale of Terror" was mostly Evil Queen, this movie can fine.  Just don't have Bella talk and only show up for five minutes, it will be perfect.  But then I see her leading an army into battle, and I'm like "oh fuck, she really is the main character!"  Well, that's one movie I don't need to see.  Moving on.

A week later, I discovered that there's another movie based on Snow White happening, this one called "Mirror, Mirror" and directed by Tarsem Singh.  That's the guy who made "the Immortals", one of the many movies on my list of things to see.  Tarsem is the kind of director who can make every single shot a work of art, I recommend watching his movies for no reason other than the visuals.  In fact, mute the volume, because the movies are never any good, and just imagine a better story happening to accompany the visuals.  So Tarsem isn't a bad sign.  This trailer, on the other hand, is:

This is one of the most fascinatingly terrible trailers I have ever seen.  This movie looks as bad as things like "the Zookeeper" and "Jack and Jill" - neither of which are getting reviewed on Planet Blue, by the way.  The trailer opens with a Indian hip-hop rift and a full on dance number.  What is this?  A Bollywood film?  I could respect a Bollywood movie based on Snow White, and I'd respect Hollywood more for giving it such a wide release.  Hollywood sure is getting more multi-  Oh wait, there's Julia Roberts.  And there's Nathan Lane.  And there's that guy who played Hoover's boyfriend in "J. Edgar".  Uch...

Julia Roberts is horrible in this trailer.  She clowns it up, saying awful unfunny lines, bouncing off Timon who says equally awful, unfunny lines.  Actually, nothing in this trailer even remotely reaches funny, which is very unfortunate because I think "Mirror, Mirror" is a comedy.  Plus Tarsem's own artistic style seems to have completely disappeared, because Julia Roberts could not look more frumpy and horrible and in her dresses.  Every bit of sexiness that Charlize Theron brings to the last trailer, Julia Roberts takes it away.

Oh look, there are dwarfs!  Curious how they were lacking in the last trailer, but nice to see them.  "Snow White, Snow who?  SNOW WAY!!"




(Breaks down sobbing)

Snow way!  ...Yup.  Snow way.  You heard it.  Its there.  Snow way!  Snow white?  Snow way!  This is the kind of world in which we live in.  Snow way.  Its there.  We live in a 'snow way' kind of world.  I wish we lived in a nicer world, but 'snow way'.  Never in my life would I have imagined a joke so terrible, so unfunny, so bad.  I thought only Marmaduke could create such horror.  Compared to 'Snow way', Marmaduke is a masterpiece, the cornerstone of Western civilization.  I am a broken man.  Once I finish this review, I will kill myself, because I cannot live in a world with 'snow way'.  I suggest you do the same.

Other things happened in this trailer, I think.  I-I can't be sure of what's real and w-what isn't anymore.  I think I saw Julia Roberts lock herself into a bizarre wooden contraption, and then get raped by a dog.  And there were two dudes hanging from a tree making out.  Snow White might have cut them down.  Are there dwarfs on stilts?  Did Nathan Lane turn into Franz Kafka?  Apparently they're crashing a wedding, I guess. Who?  Why?  Julia Roberts has a "happily ever after" feeling?  What does that mean?  Was that a joke?  That wasn't a joke, it couldn't have been.  Are the dwarfs supposed to be stupid and annoying?  Is one of those dwarfs Tony Montana?  What accent is everybody supposed to be using?  Why is picking an accent so hard?  Who is this movie for?  Its too stupid for adults, and too stupid for kids, and too stupid for the mentally deranged, so I guess its not for anybody.  Why make a movie like that then?  Who hates people so much to make a movie like this?

Why is there is blood coming out of my mouth?  Is that a grey hair?

At least the chick playing Snow White looks pretty.  Imagine, if you traded her for Kristin Stewart, "Snow White & the Huntsman" might be a decent movie, while "Mirror, Mirror" would be the worst movie ever made.  Oh wait... its like that already.

Do I really need to see "Twilight 4"?  I hear its really bad.  I'd rather kill myself now, but if I have to, I have to.  Ugg...



  1. Honestly, I don't like Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. It mostly boils down to two reasons: The queen is an idiot and Snow White's voice is second only to Alvin and the Chipmunks in terms of annoying squeakiness. If you rule a kingdom and you want someone dead, then declare her a traitor and have her executed, don't send her out into a forest to be killed by a man that could have second thoughts and then take his word for it that she's dead without a body as proof. The poisoned apple might have been a good idea, if it had actually been a lethal poison that couldn't have been reversed by a conveniently placed prince from nowhere. Or, better yet, since she clearly knows magic, just shoot fireballs at her, or summon a demon, or something.

  2. I've been infected with the Neil Gaiman virus. I read his creepy "Snow, Glass, Apples" story, and now the image of Snow White as a demonic child enslaving the dwarves lingers in the back of my head.

    Incidentally, did you know Snow White in the Disney movie was supposed to be 14 years old? Perhaps Disney's version has its own creepiness too.