In spooky, nobody can hear you scream. Day 17: Alien 2: On Earth (1980), directed by Ciro Ippolito.
Ridley Scott's Alien came out in 1979. It was one of the greatest movies of all time. A year later, some Italian low-budget producers created Alien 2: On Earth, a movie that has nothing to do with Ellen Ripley or Xenomorphs. It is not one of the greatest movies of all time.
I don't love Italian horror. But I do love their very loose, if not reckless, approach to copyright. Alien 2: On Earth is just one of dozens of unofficial sequels. Many horror fans know of Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2, which was a sequel to George A. Romeo's Dawn of the Dead (known as Zombi in Italy). Plus there's Troll 2, a movie that has so little to do with Troll 1, it doesn't even have Trolls. There's two different Troll 3s!
Thing is, other than the notoriety of ripping-off a major Hollywood film series, Alien 2: On Earth is not a memorable horror movie. It is quite terrible and maybe the least interesting movie I've covered so far.
In terms of an Alien sequel, it just isn't one. I don't know if Ciro Ippolito even saw Ridley Scott's movie before he made this. This is set in then-present of 1980, so cannot possibly be a sequel to Alien, which was in the far future. The movie opens with some blurry stock footage of real life space exploration. But there is no indication this is The Nostromo or Ripley's escape pod. In fact, the spaceship has nothing to do with anything because our heroes are cave explorers. The killer monsters may or may not be aliens at all, and who knows if they have anything to do with that opening.
The "aliens" do bury inside bodies and burst out your face though. That's the
one thing Alien 2: On Earth has: gore. Right from the start the aliens
attack a little girl on the beach. We see her face carved inward like she's
made out of watermelon. Then later there's a decent head explosion.
Alien 2 actually has more to do with The Descent than Alien. Most of the movie takes place in a dark cave. That sounds a lot scarier than it actually is. There's some decent footage of stalactites and stuff. Being trapped in a cave with monsters should be terrifying. But you have no sense of geography or even claustrophobia. It is just character running around same-y looking backgrounds, sometimes getting eaten. You barely get to see the alien! There's no clear money shot of the monster at any point.
Other than that, Alien 2 is a slow fucking bland movie. It is the kind of movie that has five minutes of driving footage just to pad out the run time. We spend a lot of time in a bowling alley doing nothing. None of the characters get any personality. I could never tell who was who, especially since so much of this movie is in the dark. One girl is a psychic for some reason. Another guy brings a typewriter with him underground so he can write by candle light. Another girl has big boobs.
Anyway, who really gives a shit with a movie like this? I was too bored to pay attention through most of it.
This was a mistake. Watching something this boring and generic, I couldn't help but think about just turning Alien 1 on. It's on HBO Max right now. Absolute masterpiece. Nothing would complain if I broke my promise and didn't review Alien 2: On Earth. What is stopping me? Anyway, I didn't do that, you're all welcome. This movie sucks.
Next Time: I was going to do Jaws 5, but that looks even more bland than Alien 2. So instead Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987), a sequel that has even less to do with the original - in the best ways.
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