Nicolas Roeg's 1990 adaptation of the Roald Dahl story, The Witches, is a classic. If you're of a certain age, you probably remember that movie from a dark childhood memory or two. The 1990 version is a great movie and a great children's horror movie. It is terrifying, even decades later. That old British film did not hold back on the practical make-up or puppetry. That wanted children shaking in fear. As a child, I shook.
I think shaking was good. Kids like being scared. You do not always need to protect them from it. They love Halloween and crave fear. We all do on a fundamental level. Being afraid is as much fun as it is unpleasant, like running around in circles until you puke. So sure, let your kids watch an old horror movie with intense special effects. It is good for them. The nightmares and bed-wettings build character. They'll never forget it.
Meanwhile, nobody is going to remember this 2020 version thirty years later. Roald Dahl's The Witches is a bad movie in the least interesting ways. Though I have been wrong before about remakes, I won't be wrong this time. There is no reason to watch The Witches (2020). It is the same movie again, just less good. The scares are weaker, the effects are less amazing, and everything about it is just less memorable. The Witches (2020) is a movie with some charm here or there. Director Robert Zemeckis is not talentless and knows how to conjure some whimsy. That is not enough to make his movie worth anybody's time.
The Witches (2020) barely tries to distinguish itself from the original movie. It is now set in the US rather than England's shore. Our protagonist, Charlie (Jahzir Kadeem Bruno) is a Black boy in 1960s Alabama. (Chris Rock provides voice over narration as Adult Charlie, turning this movie into the weirdest episode ever of Everybody Hates Chris.) Charlie is raised by his Grandmother (Octavia Spencer). Now I know what you're thinking. And no.
This movie completely ignores the racial history of its time and place. All that would be far too dark for the edgeless tone The Witches wants. Still, I cannot help but point that little boys like Emmett Till had more to fear in the Deep South than silly witches. Charlie and his grandma check into an upscale Louisiana hotel with seemingly no problem. This is a universe where Jim Crow never happened. Still, erasing history is a bizarre and distracting decision and the only interesting element this new movie offers to the material. I guess not everything has to be Lovecraft Country. But still.
Most of the cast is pretty game for the work, at least. Anne Hathaway as the Grand High Witch is chewing up scenery to great effect even if her fake accent is hilariously inconsistent. Sometimes she sounds Russian, sometimes Swedish, sometimes Scottish. Whatever, she is having fun. Octavia Spencer is always great. I wish Stanley Tucci had more to do as the hotel manager. The kids are even okay.
The worst acting, however, is not on screen. Chris Rock's overly-saccharine narration is horrible. I wish it was not in the movie at all. I believe most movies with voice over could be massively improved if you just muted the narrator's voice track. The most important rule is Show don't Tell. Too many movie narrators, including Chris Rock here, bluntly Tell the audience the story, losing any subtlety or tone. The Witches has maybe the worst narrator I've suffered since Stephanie Meyer's The Host.
The CG work is effective but was doomed to fail. Nothing will ever top the grandiose make-up Angela Houston put on in 1990 or those old adorable mouse puppets. The new witches have only three fingers and no toes. That looks great. Anne Hathaway's cheeks rip open to reveal a snarling snake grin. That effect only works half the time, it usually looks terrible. The CG mice cannot help but look like Stewart Little no matter what you do.
The CG just makes the movie too cartoony, not helped at all by the forced cheer of Chris Rock's narration. There's none of that dark British edge you'd want out of a Dahl story. Even keeping the disturbing original ending does nothing to add to this movie's total lack of impact.
I never understood while watching The Witches why this movie got made. Why did Robert Zemeckis want to make this? (Zemeckis's stock has fallen so low that the best thing he's done in ten years is be a punchline in I'm Thinking of Ending Things.) Why did Guillermo del Toro lend his name to this project? Who is this movie for? Most of the charm feels as artificial as the digital effects. The movie insists that you're having fun, even when you're not. The original was a meal with a lot of layers. The remake is just sugar. This movie ends with the mice dancing to fucking "We Are Family".
Yet as embarrassing as that is, the real problem is that nothing in The Witches is scary enough for adults or children. It is a bite with no teeth and leaves no lasting marks.
Actually, that still isn't the problem.
The biggest problem is this: why would you watch the 2020 version on HBO Max when the 1990 original is
streaming on Netflix right now? There is usually very little point to
remaking a great movie. In a normal year though, at least the remakes
get to go to theaters. They had the big screen and caught your
attention as an event. This year both Witches are on your TV, side by side. You either watch the mediocre one or the good one.
Next Time: Nothing makes me angrier than something this pointless. I'm pissed enough that I am inflicting Lars von Trier on you all with The House That Jack Built (2018). I just want to watch the world burn.
No comments:
Post a Comment