Academy Awards 2011 Postshow

This year at the Academy Awards just about everything happened as the experts predicted.  "The King's Speech" won Best Picture, Natalie Portman won Best Actress for "Black Swan", Colin Firth won Best Actor for "The King's Speech", and "Toy Story 3" won Best Animated Picture.  Naturally every single Hollywood pundit started complaining about the hosts, like they do every year.  The musical numbers were tedious, and of course, the weird attempts at homages to past Best Picture winners were complete duds.  And to nobody's surprise, James Franco acted like he needed half a bottle of scotch just to force himself onto the stage.  Perhaps he was trying some of the titular weed from "Pineapple Express".  Still I'd take Franco in a chemically-induced coma over Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin again, so I gotta say that ultimately last night's Oscars were not that bad.

Even if James Franco seemed like he might nod off during his bits, Anne Hathaway took over most of the slack.  But despite her cute semi-nerdy yet glamorous charms (mostly due to two beautiful giant eyes) she was no Billy Crystal... so it seems that the Academy pulled out a red alert and air-lifted Billy Crystal in for the show.  I'm not entirely sure why James Franco decided to host at all, if only to just add another line to his tombstone:  "James Franco, Academy-Award nominated actor, Peter Parker's boyfriend, Oscar host for one year..."  Anne Hathaway at least is somebody I'd watch again, even when doing unfunny bits like the Hugh Jackman song without Hugh Jackman she shines through as a great host.  Personally I still miss Ellen DiGeneres and hope she comes back one year.

So anyway, the rest of my comments are just assorted little bits here and there, which is why the rest of this post will be done in the most organized fashion known to human kind:  with bullets!

Academy Awards 2011 Preshow

Well the universe just collapsed.  So I'll just go on like nothing happened, because facing a nightmare of such proportions will probably make me go insane.  In all honestly, I shouldn't be writing right now, but I will anyway since it might make me feel better.  I miss my Michael...

ANYWAY.  Another year, another Oscars.  I mentioned last year that the Academy Awards are about as important as the Superbowl, at least to me.  Really all the Academy Awards need are a way to make bets on them.  Its kinda pointless to put money down for "Black Swan" when I know with some certainty that "The Social Network" is gonna win anyway.  Maybe you could bet on which minor technical award like "sound editing" will put the most members of the audience to sleep.  This year luckily, Cablevision and ABC are not fighting a brutal war, so that means the airwaves for the Oscars will be totally clear!  Yay!  I'll most likely miss them considering the Wake, but you know, that's how it goes.  You'll all be second next to my baby.

Its easy enough to be cynical about the Oscars, considering them to be nothing more than the crooked machinations of old bitter fogies who couldn't see a good movie if it were given to them via suppository.  However, I am far more forgiving.  The Academy does have a bias, but not against hipness or entertainment.  They like actor movies, films where the performers break out of their regular personas and really take the craft of acting to its very limit.  So a movie like "Tron: Legacy" will never get much respect from the Academy.  I don't entirely agree with such an assessment, but I wouldn't call it an "illegitimate" viewpoint.  The Oscars still are the best standard of awarding high achievement in filmmaking.

Sanctum

I'm not a difficult man to please.  I don't go into movies with ridiculously high standards, demanding that every single film I see be an amazing completely unrepeatable work of art.  Don't get me wrong, when movies are true masterpieces, I'm filled with wonder at the glory of creation like everybody else.  But still, really all your movie needs is to is be entertaining, fun, and have a decent premise to get me fired up and make me happy.  Just try to be original, don't insult my intelligence, and keep it entertaining and your movie will pass.  Maybe this standard is too high.  Ultimately every year I only think about two dozen of the hundreds of movies made are any good.  But I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

"Sanctum" was a movie I had hope for.  It has a really good premise:  scuba divers exploring an unexplored underwater cave get trapped.  Left to die, they must somehow wander out of the cave weathering total darkness, low supplies, and one of the most dangerous environments known to man.  Just add monster catfish people and it could be the greatest movie ever made!  Its like "The Descent" only made worse:  because now the cave is underwater.  One false move and you're drowned.  Even without catfish people (which sadly this movie lacks*) it has a really good opening idea.  A nice survival adventure in the most extreme circumstances imaginable barring crashing into the Sun.  To make an idea this good totally fail, you'd need one of the worst scripts ever written, a cast of awful unlikable morons, and a main character that looks and acts like Tidus from "Final Fantasy X".

And guess what?  It has all those things.  Just about every character in this movie is an idiot, and they all have the disaster that befalls them coming.  It didn't take me long before I decided "screw these human stupids, I'm rooting for the cave".  If the point of this movie is man vs. nature, then nature is a far more sympathetic character and more likable than any person here.  Usually only romantic comedies make me wish the whole cast dead.  "Sanctum" is ground-breaking in at least that respect.

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 192, Nel's Secret, a Big-Breasted Beauty Joins the Battle!?

First of all:  their title, not mine.  I would have called this episode "Bouncy Bouncy Juicy Juicies Yay for Booby Boobies".

We can easily gather from the title that the main focus of tonight's episodes is boobs.  Big honking massive prehistoric hooters.  Terrifying titties so gigantic you can't help but jump for joy.  Boobage so bodacious you burst with bliss.  Awesome arm rests.  Bouncing bazookas.  Cosmic coconuts.  Double-stuffed dingers.  Elephantine entertainment.  Fiendish floaters.  Grand gazzongas.  Hulking honkers.  Intense eye-magnets.  Jurassic jobblies.  King-sized knockers.  Lovely lolas.  Macro missiles.  Naked nugens.  Oval offerings.  Plumping party-favors.  Quixotic quibblies.  Raging racks.  Super squeezables.  Terrific ta-tas.  Unbeatable ultrasauruses.  Voluminous vulgarians.  Whomping whammies.  Yummy yuzzoos.  Zany zeppelins.  And um...  breasts.  Come on gentlemen, let's hear it for sleaze!!

"Bleach" this week was not horrible to say the least.  Granz and the two moron comic reliefs have been safely left behind in the other plotline while we focus entirely on Ichigo's battle with the Spoony One.  Then he tags out for a new warrior to step in... can you guess who?  And that new warrior has some huge... "fighting skills".  Ridiculously huge ..."skills".  Penis-drainingly huge ..."skills".  Oh yeah.

Unknown

When your life has become a wide-awake nightmare of utter sorrow, I'd say its a good time to go to the movies.  If its a good movie its a good movie, if its a bad movie you have something to complain about other than the misery that's drowned your existence.  So that's exactly what I did:

"Unknown" is weirdly enough the very first 2011 film I have ever seen.  So far there just has not been anything that looked even remotely interesting, and "Unknown" is not immune.  I basically saw this movie out of sheer desperation to see any movie, just as long as it wasn't "Justin Bieber's Never Say Never"* or "Big Momma's House 3".  When you're this desperate, you just find an actor you like and go see his newest movie.  Liam Neeson is awesome in just about everything he does, from "Ponyo" to "Love Actually" to "Star Wars", so "Unknown" literally could not fail.  And it didn't, so I guess it we all had a happy ending.  Plus the overwhelming misfortune in my life has gotten a bit better, so I suppose its time to write a post again.

"Unknown" is an interesting film because you are never entirely sure where the movie is going to go.  Liam Neeson goes to Berlin with his pretty wife half his age, but after an accident has lost all identification.  Then another man has taken his place and his wife does not recognize him.  Has he gone insane?  Or is there something larger at work here?  What we have here is a decent enough thriller with a very elegant final twist.  Definitely a good way to spend an afternoon.