LOST Finale Preshow

The end of "LOST" has come, and I cannot possibly be happier.  I've only been watching this show for the last season, and I really cannot wait for the final episode to play and then we can put this entire ridiculous program behind us.  I feel almost as if I'm graduating from a really terrible high school.  No longer do I need to waste my time going to a class taught by an incompetent that knows nothing past the text book, and instead I can move on to real life or at least a fridge full of beer in college.  And with "LOST" I can now spend my Tuesday nights doing something else.  It actually doesn't matter what that something else is, because anything is better than this.

No, I don't think "LOST" is a good show.  Whatever gave me away?

Here's the honest to God truth for you "LOST" fans:  nothing about this finale is going to answer any of your questions.  No matter how much they answer they're nothing to going to making any kind of ending that will be in the least bit satisfying or can get near to properly wrapping up the emotions you've put into this program for the last six years.  It isn't going to happen.  Even if they do give all the answers that you want (which is hard to believe considering how absolutely ridiculous the "LOST" universe is), the answers you're going to get will be more ridiculous and terrible than anything you've seen before.  Don't bother wondering what the Island actually is because that's either not going to be answered, or the answer you're gonna get will be so profoundly stupid that you'll wish you didn't get an answer in the first place:  i.e. its actually an alien space ship, or this is some kind of messed-up afterlife.

This is why I feel I must spare you all the trouble of watching this last episode by spilling the ending right here and now.

The truth of the entire matter is that the Island never was an island.  It was a giant turtle sleeping in the sea.  The Turtle has been sleeping for so long that an entire ecosystem of vegetation and communities have sprung up on its back.  Also the Turtle is an eternal god-like being that has existed since before the beginning of this universe, and will continue on once Armageddon has destroyed this puny thing.  Every single thing you have held sacred for your entire life is but a temporary minor detail to this Turtle like the life cycle of a bacteria to your scale.  The Turtle landed on this planet when the crust still was covered in fire, before life even began to form.

Of course, since the Turtle is sleeping, its also dreaming.  However the dreams have started to get a little turbulent as the Turtle slowly wakes over the course of a millennium.  Since the Turtle has magical powers beyond our mortal comprehension, some of those powers have begun to seep into the real world.  So with just the tiniest spark of the Turtle's mighty power a man can turn into a pillar of smoke.  Add a bit more and the entire time scale of our universe splits into multiple dimensions, thus the "flash-sideways" effect this season has irritated viewers with.  Weird effects such the dead appearing before the living are just another side-effect.  To the Turtle, all this means nothing, just the ant you unknowingly squash under your shoe means nothing to you.

So everything that has passed for these last six years in "LOST" is completely inconsequential.  Even the ancient conspiracy, the dark power the Island/Turtle has been holding, and the scientific experiments are all insignificant.  Nothing any character has done will at all effect the conclusion which will be only a few moments long.  Suddenly at the climax of the battle of good and evil, the Island will start to shake and rumble.  Suddenly the entirely thing will life up into the sky, as the great Turtle's head reaches up out of the depths of the sea.  Then the Turtle will life its body out of the ocean and fly up into the reaches of space, shattering our world behind it thanks to the force of its lift-off.

The last shot of the series will be the Turtle flying out into outer space, with the Earth exploding behind it.  Then the series logo "LOST" will appear, leaving the viewers in completely perplexed silence.  It isn't the ending they want, but its definitely the ending they deserve.

(All this is written so that I don't go ahead and write up a criticism of the series ending, which I'm sure will be equally ridiculous.  But in case I'm right, you heard it at Planet Blue first, folks.)

Update:  My ending was far better.  Did you expect anything more?