Why I'm a Better Choice For Supreme Court Justice Then Elena Kagan

I am everything that Barack Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court, Elena Kagan is, and twenty times more.  Some people have greeted Kagan's nomination with dismay, but none are as furious as I am.  Some hate her because she's too young, some hate her because she's not Protestant, and some hate her because they're Rush Limbaugh and are contractually obligated to hate everything Obama does.  But I hate her because once again I've been passed over for the Court.  How many times now?

First it was Clarence Thomas.  I'll admit that President Clinton might have had a tough time getting the Senate to approve me since I was only nine months old and couldn't talk yet, but that's really the only one I can understand.  By the time Ruth Bader Ginsberg was confirmed, I was already two and a half, and many times overqualified to precide over the highest court in the nation.  Stephen Breyer was just an insult.  But I really didn't start getting mad until Samuel Alito.  When I was passed over that time, I was fifteen years old and was more Constitutional Scholar then any hack Yale graduate.  How did George W. Bush ignore me?  I even managed to keep the peace last year when Sonia Sotomayer was confirmed instead of me.

But no more!  I will not be ignored anymore!  I've been a loyal citizen of this country for nineteen years now and have many times the experience of these ivory tower judges (bah) and legal scholars.  Humbug, I say!  Kagan is easily the most egregious case of my many talents being overlooked.  I tell you, everything that Kagan might be is completely surpassed by me.  There's nothing that she is that I'm not as well, only twenty times better.

Kagan is young, but I'm younger.  At fifty, she may become the youngest Supreme Court Justice in history, but ol' Blue here is thirty-one years younger than her.  If you want somebody who is going to be on the Court for a long time, I'm your man.  I got at least sixty years of judging in me, let's see if Kagan can do twenty.  If Obama wants his influence to be felt in the courts for years to come, you can't do much better than me.  Remember, a political generation is only about ten years, maybe less.  I could be on the Court for approximately eleven Presidential administrations!  Obama, I could be your legacy, singlehandedly.

Also, everybody is praising Kagan for being extremely low-profile.  Nobody can really pin any particular legal position on her.  Abortion?  Nobody knows.  Gay Marriage?  Nada.  Immigration?  Total blank.  Judicial activism?  All secret.  The crazy thing is that this woman has written less of a political testament in thirty years of legal scholarship than I have done in just six months of blogging.  Yes, that means I'll be a more controversial figure when during the confirmation hearings, but I'm young enough that I could easily flip-flop and nobody will blame me*.  And that leads to another issue:  despite how much everybody has praised Kagan for her supposed skills in law, I've proven myself far more qualified to handle difficult issues than she has.  BOOYAH!

Can I get my Justice Robe in medium please?

Let's break this down:  Kagan is Jewish, unmarried, loves beer, plays baseball, and was born in the New York metropolitan area.  Well, I'm all those things too.  And I'm twice as pretty.  Would you rather have a boring Justice or a pretty one?  You want post-partisan?  Baby, I'm pre-partisan!  I think the choice is obvious.  Too obvious, actually.  Why did I even need to write this?  You all should have known already.

So US Senate, its clear what you have to do.  Vote out Kagan, then impeach Barack Obama is he doesn't nominate me for his back-up.  Not nominating Blue certainly must count as High Crimes and Misdemeanors, right?  Then when its my turn, vote me in baby!  We're going to turn this dull old Supreme Court into a PAR-TAY!!

(To all potential employers who might read this article in the future:  In case you haven't noticed, I've been totally joking this whole time.  Also, I might have accidentally stolen Stephen Colbert's comedy routine here.  Sorry about that, won't happen again.  Elena Kagan, I'm sure you're many times more qualified for the job than I am and will do an excellent job on the Court if appointed.  I would like to see a more firm position on things from you, that's really it.  I guess I'll just have to learn to accept not being picked as a US Supreme Court Justice just like I accepted not being picked as an Admin on the Final Fantasy Wiki...)

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* If Hilary Clinton could be a Goldwater girl and the President of the Young Republic Club in college, then I guess everybody has the freedom to wildly shift their political views when they're that young.  If Hilary, why not me?