The Trojan Cycle Done Right

A few years ago there came a horrible Brad Pitt film called "Troy".  As the choice adjective in the last sentence clearly states, it was not a good movie.  I'd say it was barely watchable.  Ladies, if you want to see Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and other super attractive dudes with muscles running around half-naked in the sand, go ahead.  Move your TV to the bathroom, fill up the tub, get some scented candles, and make an evening of it, go for it.  Basically "Troy" was just the "Twilight" series before its time:  only it had too much plot and not enough vampires.  As for my tastes, however, the movie just was something of a mess - especially with the accents.  Nobody seemed to have idea what accent the movie was supposed to have:  English?  Scottish?  Brad Pitt doesn't even try.  Its all a shame since there were very good actors in this film, but they all seem in on some strange:  who can overact the most?  (Winner:  Brian Cox, by far.)  Oh well.  At least it was more watchable than "Beowulf".

One of the main reason that "Troy" was such a silly movie was its bizarre attempt to "be the historical story that inspired the story".  So that means, most importantly, no Gods.  All supernatural elements, including the several of the most awesome scenes in the epic, are cut out mercilessly.  On the other hand, this claim of historical accuracy is utter nonsense:  there was a city in Troy's location, but was it really taken down by a commander named Agamemnon out of revenge for the capture of his sister-in-law through a giant horse?  Come on, who are you really fooling, movie?  And if you're going to pretend to be "realistic" why in the world is Achilles' weak point still his heel?  Is "Troy" trying to tell me that in its so-called realism, Achilles actually was actually dipped in the River Styx by his mother, the nymph Thetis, so as to be invulnerable except for one heel?  What I'm saying is that this a story mixed with mythology and magic - attempting to tell the story without those fantastic features is ridiculous.  Go wild, include it all.  Trust me, its to the new Troy film's benefit.

How awesome would a straight film version of the Fall of Troy be?  Well, that's just our purpose in tonight's Fanwank Corner:

As a starting note, I should point out that "The Illiad" is actually one of my favorite books of all time and favorite epic, right above "Paradise Lost", which is at least as brilliant.  Of course, this story is the cornerstone of Classical culture, so it is kind of important that its done with care.  When Julius Caesar read Homer, he was reading a story that was already at least a thousand years old - that's how ancient and fundamental this tale is to our entire world view.  If the Trojans had won in Homer's tale, I can't even imagine what our world would be like today.

First of all, the Gods need to stay involved in the story of Troy.  This is not only out of interest for the story, where they all play major roles, but also because the Gods take part in some of the most incredible scenes of the Trojan War.  Nobody will ever be able to convince me that the Trojan War is made into a better story by cutting out Diomedes rampage against the Gods, where he injures both Aphrodite and Ares.  Just imagine the sight of Ares screaming in pain with the voice of 10000 men while retreating back to Mount Olympus.  Or how about the entire Greek army being forced into submission by a rain of arrows full of plague fired by Apollo?  Then finally Poseidon's unlimited fury blasting apart the Greek ships after they displeased him.  The Trojan War isn't a just a tragic war story, its a magical adventure - but still very tragic.

The Gods, beyond being pure awesome spectacle are essential to the story.  You don't go into a movie about the Fall of Troy not knowing that Troy is going to fall.  Every character in that story knows his or her place in the story.  Achilles is given a choice:  either not fight and live a long life while being forgotten, or join the war and die for glory.  Hector has no choice, he will die fighting for his doomed family and homeland and nothing can stop his fate.  All this was ordained by the Gods, who each fight for their preferred side, usually by filling up a champion with demigod power.  The cowardly and rather foolish Paris was able to take out the great Achilles only through Apollo's support.  Plus the drama of Mt. Olympus is nearly as great as the drama on the ground in Earth, with sibling deities nearly killing each other over the human war.

Second, you can't cut out the other champions of Troy besides Hector.  Aeneas was bizarrely underplayed in "Troy", being turned into a teenager with little point, despite being the son of Aphrodite and the mythical founder of Rome.  (I'm including Virgil, I think that's okay with everybody.)  The guy's a big deal, okay?  Then there's Penthesilea, daughter of Ares and the Queen of the Amazons, who joins the Trojan side out of an death wish.  Penthesilea accidently killed her sister, and so wishes for nothing more than to die honorably in battle.  A wish Achilles fulfills, only to fall in be lost in grief for killing such a beautiful woman.  Can we also ignore Memnon, the Ethiopian king who is more or less a foil for Achilles?  Memnon is perhaps the only figure who is actually Achilles' equal in battle, being also outfitted with armor forged by the God Hephaestus, and the beloved son of Zeus.  Zeus is so impressed with the battle that he personally intervenes to make it more dramatic, turning both Achilles and Memnon into giants for all to see.  That's pretty hard-core.

Pyrrhus or Neoptolemus is another interesting character that was left out of "Troy".  He's the son of Achilles, conceived when Achilles had been forced into hiding by his mother to keep him out of the war.  Achilles, in a comedy scene, dressed up as a maiden named Pyrrha in the court of the King of Scyros.  The inevitable occurred and the Princess found herself pregnant with Pyrrhus, son of Pyrrha.  Pyrrhus is brought into the war once his father is killed by Paris, and fights rather well, but is a savage character, even more so than his father.  He kills much of the Trojan royal family himself, and then make Hector's wife his concubine - this happening after he threw her son off the walls of Troy.  Clearly this boy (chronologically he can't really be much older than his teens) has some issues, probably involving living up to his father, a guy with plenty of issues himself.  His ending is rather fitting, either being killed after trying to steal another man's wife, or being killed by Apollo for hubris.

Not to mention the fact that we really cannot ignore the ultimate fates of our intrepid conquerors can we?  I'm not asking for a full-fledged adaptation of "The Odyssey" or "The Aeneid"*, but we could at least get to see the Greek returns.  At least a mention of Odysseus's ten year journey home would be enough.  A very important scene, I believe is the murder of Agamemnon by his wife and her lover.  This comes as retribution for Agamemnon sacrificing his daughter to the Gods for favor in the expedition - another scene that's fairly important.  The sacrifice is grisly and horrifying both to modern and ancient sentiments (later Greek authors liked to imagine that Agamemnon's daughter was saved somehow), but it really shows how dedicated and possibly even insane Agamemnon is.  His death by the hands of his wife after being the great conquering commander is an especially ironic touch.  I'd also like to see Helen and Menelaus returning to Sparta.  Just what was that household like after he fought a ten year war to get her back?

Of course, there are some details that I rather think we as a culture just can't really accept.  And no, I'm not talking about Achilles' pretty obviously homosexual relationship with Patroclus, I think we can all accept that by now.  No, I'm talking about rape.  There's a lot of rape in "The Illiad".  As you might expect from a story written 3000 years ago the way it treats women is less than enlightened.  They are acknowledged to be equal to men in terms of emotions and mentality and the Amazons are a surprisingly early example of the Action Chick trope, but rape is a weird issue here.  Paris kidnaps (read:  rapes) Helen and steals her, and Helen is treated completely as an object.  Nobody seems very interested in Helen beyond ancient codes of property, the only person who even treats her as a friend is not even Paris, its Hector.  When Paris is killed, Helen is just passed on to another Trojan prince like a hand-me-down scarf.  Hector's wife, Cassandra, ect, all rape victims who are treated as wives.  When it comes to the Helen and Paris relationship, I can see why basically every adaptation turns it into a love story, and its clearly better that way.  Easier to swallow.  Though I'd hardly turn the whole thing into the central focus of the story, its about the war, not the romance.

Unfortunately with so many characters and so many details to include, I rather doubt all this could be done in a single movie, even at three hours long.  This would have be at least two films, with a good dividing line being Achilles life followed by Pyrrhus' life.  Just move a couple of Trojan champions over as Pyrrhus' rival, either Penthesilea or Memnon.  Movie A will focus on Achilles' who is a rather angry and immature character, finding some measure of peace in the war before he died.  It can have the Judgment of Paris, the gathering of the Greeks and the events of "The Illiad" such as Hector's death, ending with Achilles being killed by Paris.  Movie B brings in Pyrrhus and deals with his journey to take on his father's role, and his battle against some Trojan champions, the fall of the city, and then the disastrous return journeys ending with Pyrrhus' death.  A good symmetry for the story would be that both Achilles and Pyrrhus are very angry characters, but Achilles actually finds some way to understand his world, while Pyrrhus still smolders with hatred despite winning the war, leading to his foolish act of hubris that ends his life.

So Hollywood, I know you're reading.  Get to it.  Give me millions and we'll be in business.

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* I don't even like "The Aeneid", which isn't a slight against the Romans or Virgil, I just don't care for the story.  It just isn't very good.  Aeneas is supposed to be a model of virtue, but actually is something of a jackass.  Especially when it comes to his treatment of Dido, the Carthaginian Queen who he just abandons in order to finish his journey to Italy.  Achilles is a very flawed character, and actually is rather unlikeable compared to his rival, Hector, but I'm pretty sure Homer actually intended that.  "The Aeneid" doesn't really have a Hector or even an Odysseus, so its hard to really get into it.  Also the whole War in Italy just seems like a final tacked on event to make the poem longer.