Bleach Recaps: Ep. 191, The Frightening Banquet, Szayel Aporro Theater

Here we go again.

Tonight's episode title implies that we will be spending a lot of time with Szayel Aporro Granz, Espada #8.  Granz represents the recurring anime villain known as the "overconfident deranged homosexual".  For that reason, he will immediately claim to be an absolute master of combat who could defeat the heroes any second he wants, but never actually does.  Instead he toys with them in increasingly wacky ways, gives long speeches about how much prettier he is, and then finally gets beaten thanks to his incredible stupidity.  So far, Granz, despite claiming to be the "smart guy" of the Espada Crew, has consistently shown himself to be the stupidest of the bunch.  Granz is a moron.  Just to show how stupid this guy is, two seasons ago, Granz let Renji and Uryu run away for five minutes while he got changed.  This guy couldn't beat a paraplegic.

What personality flaw do you think will be this guy's undoing?  Well, that's a question for another time, because the Granz battle really only is half the episode, and is not concluded in any way.  In fact, what fighting there is interrupted by... My God... Dondochakka and Pesche, the (ugg) comic reliefs.  I'm going to admit something right now, I don't care for comic relief characters.  If a character exists only for the reason of being "funny" and does not really have anything to add to the plot, they aren't going to get much respect from me.  What do these two idiots do?  Nothing!  R2-D2 and C-3PO were comic reliefs, but they also were very nearly the perspective characters of "Star Wars" and had some important skills the heroes needed.  And R2-D2 and C-3PO were actually funny, unlike these other two.  Dondochakka just mugs the camera, then gets yelled at by the real characters for being stupid.  This isn't humor, its assault.

When Ruby Rhod is funnier and more tolerable than your characters, you have a problem.  Hell, these two morons give Jar Jar a run for his money.

So now that I'm done complaining about various characters I don't like, we can now start to recap, right?

Well "Bleach" last night was in no hurry to get started either.  Renji, Uryu, and the two stupid motherfuckers were running away from Granz when we last left them, and now they ran around back into the same room.  Turns out since they're "inside of him" (Granz's words, not mine), he can direct them to any place he wants.  This scene might feel familiar because it was the same scene that last episode ended with.  Granz says hello and then starts telling his prey "remember twenty minutes ago* when this fight started?" and then a series of flashbacks begin.  I'm reminded of John Sterling's post-game recaps of Yankees games, where he just peppers some narration along with clips of his own radio sportscasting he did maybe an hour ago.  Of course Sterling's post-game work has some kind of purpose, giving a recap of the game to those people who missed the game.  This time Granz is recapping the fight to people who just fought it, making this entire scene awkward and entirely pointless.  Its like describing your dinner twenty minutes after you stopped eating to the people you just ate with:

"THE GIANT CANDY WAS DELICIOUS!!!"

Eight minutes in, Granz stops talking and the episode begins for real.  Granz decides that since Renji and Uryu already were completely unable to hurt him except for one ploy, he's going to go Super Form.  And just in case you thought Granz might be a bit swishy before, just check out this Freudian imagery:

Granz seems to have some... practice... swallowing.

Anyway... Granz makes horrible noises of what can only be described as an orgasm.  A full on screaming one.  And I'm worried that they actually made the voice actor climax for realism.  Then this happens:

Okay, folks.  I surrender.  "Bleach" has just wandered into some kind of weird sexual place so bizarre and perverted that I do not even think it has a name.  Tite Kubo has gone so far off the fetish radar that I am basically at a lost for words.  So we're moving on.  Let's just see what Granz finally turns into:

"I'm just a Sweet Transvestite"

Granz's new power is to spit out ink onto his foes, which then creates bizarro versions of them.  So now while Granz sits back on his throne of sizzling man-flesh (Joel Schumacher must be so jealous right now), Renji and everybody will fight themselves.  Weirdly enough Granz also makes bizarro version of the comic reliefs, why I have no idea.  Can they actually fight?  Would I care?  It doesn't matter, because for the rest of the episode Dondofuckhead and Pescimoron just act stupid while Uryu and Renji yell at them.  By the way, Japan, John Travolta impressions were never funny, least of all in the 21st century.

Those two guys are such bad characters that I cannot begin to fathom why on Earth such things have ever been made by human imagination.  Are we really such an awful species?  If Dondofuckhead and Pescimoron exist, does that mean that Hitler was right?

Back with Ichigo vs. Spoons.  Spoony asks Ichigo if this is the first time he's ever fought a long-ranged weapon, and Ichigo claims its his second.  For a moment there I panicked, fearing that "Bleach" actually would show clips of his battle with Cueball that happened like four years ago.  I wouldn't put it past them.  Orihime begs Spoony to spare Ichigo, since he's weakened from his last battle against Grimmjow (how has disappeared, by the way).  Then Spoony responds with his doctoral thesis about the nature of battle, namely that its not supposed to be fair.

Somewhat off topic:

After so much of Granz's Vegas show, I should even things out, right?

Orihime then notices that Nel is missing.  Burton, her kidnapper, reveals that he has advanced psychic powers by instantly reading Orihime's mind about the little girl.  Burton even is able to blow up the little bit of rubble that Nel is hiding behind.  Very impressive skills.  Oddly enough, Spoons immediately recognizes Nel as a former Espada.  Yeah, the little girl with an odd lisp who hangs around annoying comic reliefs is actually one of the most powerful Hollows in Heuco Mundo.  Her real name is "Neliel To Overspank".

Even Nel's mind is blown by the revelation:

"WHAT A TWIST!!!"

Even M. Night himself couldn't have thought of such a wacky twist.  Its so ridiculous that I have to burst out laughing as an emotional defense.  What are Dondofuckhead and Peschemoron Espada too?  We'll just have to find out next episode, when Nel grows massive boobs.

I'm not making that up.

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* Actually some of these scenes took place in 2009 before "Bleach" in America went on a giant sabbatical.