Sunday, May 22, 2011

Bleach Recaps: Ep 205, Kemari Damacy

Of all the episodes of "Bleach" that I have seen I'll say that this one was.... an episode.  It definitely happened.  Bleach 205 certainly ran from midnight to 12:30 last night.  And um... that's really it.

Last week the fandom of "Bleach" collectively despaired when Princess Lampshade-hat and her two idiot guardians, Kenryu and Howie Mandel returned to the story.  These characters were created exclusively for the Amagai Arc, also known as the WORST GODDAMN SEASON OF ANY SHOW EVER, and so seeing them return leaves us all with a sense of UNBEARABLE MURDEROUS HATE-RAGE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!  This week's episode is another episode about those three idiots, except this time they're playing soccer.  Oh wait, didn't we already have a filler soccer episode back in season 7?  Yeah we did, "Bleach"'s filler is so out of ideas that its ripping off itself now.  And actually, that soccer episode wasn't that bad, since it featured Ichigo's oft-forgotten little sister, Karen.  Now its about characters we didn't give a shit about months ago.  Can't they do another sport?  No baseball?  Football?  Mud wrestling?  Personally there is no way on Earth that this episode could have been good, unless this happens, and it doesn't.

Amazingly, the writers of this show suck so bad, they can't even fill all twenty-four minutes of their show with this idea.  Because at the beginning, they start with a massive two minute recap, as if anybody gives a shit what happened last week.  Does anybody care what happens this week either?  Am I the only one watching right now?  Why the Hell am I even doing this???  ...I think I could spend the rest of my life searching, but I will never find the answer to that question.

So what Bleach 205 really is about is reusing basically all the old jokes from years ago.  So Rukia is drawing bunnies again, and Ichigo thinks its a bad drawing.  And Kon is back jumping like a freak inside Ichigo's body.  Then those three horrible doll creatures from the Bount arc come back to be horrible and unfunny - except for the green one, Nova, he's okay.  So if you find something funny about this comedy episode, just know, they've done it before.  Studio Perriot either completely ran out of ideas here, or their writing staff is made up of underpaid stoners who give about as much shit as I do right now while writing these very words.

Anyway, the Kemari battle.  Kemari is Japanese soccer, basically a giant game of hackysack with two teams competing.  The game doesn't end until the ball hits the ground.  Even after Rukia's bunnies explained the rules, I still don't get it.  When the ball hits the ground, who loses, the last team to hit the ball, or the other team?  The show never decides, because there isn't much of a winner.  Not only is this basically awful, but the animation is horrifying.  I mean, look at this:


So here's the teams:  Ichigo, Orihime, Chad, Howie Mandel, and Princess Lampshade-hat are on one side.  And Kenryu, Rukia, Uryu, Cat-Yoruichi, and Kon are on the other side.  Uryu is here because he's secretly always hated Ichigo, Kon is here because he wants to sleep with Rukia*, Rukia is here because she's a noble, and Yoruichi is here because Mr. Hat-And-Clogs asked her to.  Kenryu is really pissed that Howie Mandel got to be on the Princess's side, because he's freakishly into lolis, I guess.  Last episode did end with Kenryu and the Princess having sex right?  I don't know because I dozed off and found "FLCL" waiting to save me.

By the way, does anybody actually know what they're playing for?  What is this?  When is this?  Why is Ichigo playing here?  And why would anybody care about these D-list characters and their stupid Kasamadokidokipanicoji Clan?  Wasn't Aizen about to blow up Karakura Town two weeks ago?  I guess that wasn't interesting, the fight for the universe is canceled.  Instead "Bleach" will now star the Princess and her idiots and their exciting adventures in obscure medieval Japanese sports.  The show's name now will now be "Princess Lampshade-hat's Super Terrific Happy Half-Hour".  Isn't this better?

damn you...  damn you all to hell...

At least this week we have Kon.  I've missed Kon, haven't you?  The guy hasn't shown up since Ichigo and friends left Earth to save Orihime, I think, and that was like three years ago or something.  And its been at least ten years since we've seen him play around in Ichigo's body.  I think they still had the rocking original theme when Kon last got to jump around properly.  Of course Kon spends this episode getting beaten up ruthlessly for going out of bounds, because apparently that will "alert the Soul Society".  And why would the Soul Society care?  Why would the viewers for that matter?  How did the animators care enough to even finish the frames properly?  GODS, I NEED POISON!!

Alright, if nothing interesting happens in the next thirty seconds, I swear to God I'll start recapping the soccer episode of "Eureka Seven" instead.  That episode was really random and probably filler, but at least it did something for character motivations and it was actually exciting and interesting.  Nothing exciting, stimulating, or titillating ever happens around here.

THERE WE GO!  Why can't that happen all the time?  Just get rid of the gratuitous censor steam and we'd be in business here.

So then Yoiruichi makes the ball explode with her foot.  For some reason Orihime uses her magicks to make the ball grow back, ironically meaning that she is a lot more useful today on a stupid filler episode than she is during the normal episodes.  Why can't she fix Ichigo that quickly?

There's a lot more Japanese Soccer for awhile, then the show gets bored and drops a Giant Enemy Crab:

Tonight's episode was based on famous battles which took 
actually took place in Ancient Japan.

How long as it been since a Hollow attacked Karakura Town?  Even since Ichigo became so powerful that he could knocked out a Lieutenant with a backslap, these guys just haven't been showing up.  Speaking of which, Lt. Cueball did show up a for a second and tried to fight Ichigo, but the animators were too bored of that idea to give it more than thirty seconds.

So the Giant Enemy Crab attacks...

Tsunami in Japan episode, huh?  How offensive.

Then the Princess gets saved by her guardians, and the game is called due to everybody learning a valuable lesson...  or something.  I don't know.  Ichigo attacks the Giant Enemy Crab's weakpoint for massive damage and it dies.  Prince Shoe shows up and tells the Princess something, and they all go home now better friends than ever.  I don't know what they were fighting about, I don't know what the resolution was.  I still don't know what the Princess does, or why she's important, or why anybody would think I'd care about her.  Hopefully whatever that answer was, it was something along the lines of "never ever showing up in another episode again".

oh fuck you all...

Of course, I think I too learned a valuable lesson from this episode.  One that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life:
Yoriuichi is friggin' hot, man!  Oh baby!

And um... that's it.  That's the end of this weird epilogue to the already awful Amagai Arc.  With that, the Amagai Tangent Universe closes forever.  Ichigo ultimatily speaks for all of us when he asks "What the Hell was all that about?"  Sorry, Ichigo.  Nobody knows.  Nobody knows.

Next week's episode is 100 years in the past.  Here's to it.

* By the way, I am all about Rukia x Kon over here.  Kon is the only one who truly fought for Rukia's heart.  Yeah, Ichigo did declare war on the Soul Society once to save her, but that was only out of mid-summer vacation boredom.  Kon is her true knight in shining armor.


  1. No way. Rukia x Ichigo all the way, baby.

    unrelatedly, have you seen this yet? You should be excited.

  2. blue look in the comments in the batman section i posted it for a while now. it might help you recover from all the bad super hero movies and lack of zelda games or a good metroid game

  3. I immediately deleted this episode and the previous one as soon as I read the descriptions for them. Fuck the Amagai arc and anyone introduced in it. Just not literally.

  4. Is it me, or does Yoruichi's left arm have an extremely large bicep or a huge boob out of place in that pic? o.O
    I swear to god it's a boob...

  5. @Anon: Fix'd. It was actually the soccer ball in the shot, slightly covered by the mist. Yoruichi was bouncing it with her foot and I must have caught it by accident when capturing the image. The new version has no gross deformities. Thanks for pointing that out.