Monday, June 6, 2011

Twilight 4 Trailer

You are cordially invited.

In case you haven't been following around, I am a huge fan of mocking the Twilight movies.  It all has been leading up to this one great moment, the time when the facade of teen-romance fantasies comes crashing down to its very illogical conclusion.  Vampire babies!  Bella grows a hideous dhampir creature inside her belly after some wild extremely un-PG-13 sex with Edward.  The results are horrifying, and hilarious.  I greatly recommend finding "Breaking Dawn" in your local bookstore, skipping over to the chapter where Bella gives birth, and reading that for your amusement.  Then put that wretched book down and read something else.

In the spirit of humor, I'll now give a small breakdown of this first ridiculous trailer, because watching it is as much fun as watching these ridiculous movies.  I never really have done a trailer breakdown before... sounds intriguing.  But the question is, which will break first?  This trailer, or my own fragile psyche?

0:00 - 0:05 - The Motion Picture Association of America has seen this trailer.  It is approved for "Appropriate Audiences", whatever that means.  What's an "Inappropriate Audience"?  Somebody pleasuring themselves to this thing?  Because I rather suspect the Twilight fans are doing that right now.

0:06 - 0:11 - Summit Entertainment logo.  This holds no interest to anybody.

0:12 - 0:25 - Some sexy Pumps-in-a-Bump leads a letter into the Vulturi lair.  This is very obviously a wedding invitation.  I don't know why Bella is inviting these jackoffs, since they've done nothing but tried to kill her for two movies now.  But whatever her motive, Michael Sheen is loving this!!!  His character adores weddings!  It means he can finally break out that lovely electric orange suit he bought last year and wear his favorite fur coat.  Oh joy!  He'll be fabulous!

0:26 - 0:28 - The highlight of this trailer, and indeed the highlight of all Twilight movies, Billy Burke as Bella's Dad!  Horray!  Unfortunately, Bella's Dad seems sad to be getting this wedding invitation, partially because it means his little girl is growing up, but also because it means he has to spend one more weekend with that borderline bitch.  He was enjoying the silence without her.  This guy is by far the best character around, and he needs a sequel all to his own:  "Bella's Dad:  Vampire Hunter".  When a group of cannibal vampires invade Forks, its up to its lone sheriff, Bella's Dad, to hunt down the monster menace.  Armed with a pointy 2x4 and a shotgun, Bella's Dad must hunt the scum of the night to save the day.  Directed by Robert Rodriguez.  Co-starring Danny Trejo.

0:29 - 0:32 - Kristen Stewart gets the same invitation for some reason.  Bella gives an absolutely grotesque smile and walks away swinging the letter in her hand.  Why does she need to be invited to her own wedding?  Any ideas here?

0:35 - 0:53 - Jacob is really pissed to get an invitation then runs out like a maniac.  His poor wheelchair-bound grandpa calls for him, but gives up because he's used to this kid running off to do something stupid.  Gramps has basically given up.  Jacob realizes a few seconds in that he isn't getting paid to wear cloths, so rips that shirt off giving chick-boners to everybody!  Even I have a chick-boner right now.  ...And no, I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.  ...Probably the gaying thing I've ever said...  We'll move on.  As for Granpappy, he opens the letter to discover that yes, this is a wedding between Bella and Jacob.  Or actually some chick named "Isabella".  Who is Isabella?  Must be better looking than Kristen Stewart.

0:56 - 1:10 - Sadly nobody has enough time to get to the wedding because its happening now!  Bella and Jacob are in some room full of flowers and stuff.  They stare at each other.  Neither of them have any idea what they're getting themselves into.  For some reason really dramatic Latin chanting begins now, like what's happening right now is the most incredible thing to ever occur in the world.  Do they really think that angelic choirs are going to sing for this crap?  Once upon a time Latin chanting was for Sephiroth's most powerful form... now its used for a wedding and a honeymoon.

1:12 - 1:17 - Some establishing shots of Rio de Janeiro interspliced with Bella and Jacob dancing.  Sadly yes, the giant statue of Christo Rendentor is in this awful movie.  One can only suspect that when this movie comes out that Jesus will weep blood from his eyes like its "The Omen 2".  I guess they moved the plot of "Breaking Dawn" to Rio out of fear that movie audiences would laugh when a character mentions "Isle Esme, on the west coast of Brazil".  This is easier than explaining that Peru has fallen into the ocean in Stephenie Meyers' artistic vision.

1:18 - 1:21 - OH SHIT!  Bella and Edward are fucking already.  And not just fucking, Edward is tearing the walls down.  I suspect this will cost them their security deposit.  Though I suspect the rampage of the furious Team Jacob fans will result in far more damage.

1:24 - 1:25 - Now they're screwing in a lake by a waterfall.  Is this a porno now?  How do they expect to keep the essential box office-friendly PG-13 rating with all this vampire lovin'?  More importantly, this movie seems to be so far entirely about a honeymoon, I'm guessing that "Twilight 4" has no plot at all, meaning that yes, it is a porno.  Maybe without nudity, maybe without much sex, but if you're story is primarily based around staging sex scenes, you've made a porno, my friend.

1:26 - 1:35 - Random montage of disconnected shots that don't seem to mean anything.  Two vampires fighting.  Kristin Stewart post-coital (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!).  Edward and Jacob fighting.  Bleh.

1:36 - 1:45 - Bella is rubbing her belly, clearly pregnant now, muttering "its not possible".  That's what they all say, lady.  Then she doubles over with pain, as the xenomorph inside prepares to rip itself out of her chest.  Edward pees himself.

1:56 - 1:59 - "Twilight 4" logo.  They're still calling it "The Twilight Saga" even when-  oh forget it.  I give up, call it a "Saga" if you want, Stephenie Meyers, you're the only one who will look stupid.  Its also revealed that "Twilight 4" has borrowed "Harry Potter"'s innovative fractional sequel system by making this "Part 1".  They're going to drag this crap out for as long as possible.  Enjoy.

12 comments:

  1. At 0:29-0:32, that's Kirsten Stewart's character's mom, who, from what I know of the mythos, has very little to do with her daughter's life and dumped her in the boonies once she got married, but is still the "good parent" somehow.

    Also, is it just me, or does the music playing during the wedding scene make it seem like Bella is about to marry her arch-enemy?

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  2. Oh Stephenie Meyer why do you continue to drag this crap out? I remembered bursting my guts out laughing when bella found out she was pregnet.

    Bella: I my god this totally makes sense! Because when people are turned into vampires they're sexual reproduction freeze in that state! So females will stay with that single microscopic egg for all eternity without getting pregnet, while males will have a batch of ever lasting sperm that can somehow impregnet human women without ripping a hole through thier vigina. That totally makes sense!

    Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT?!

    Stephenie Meyer stick to aliens falling love SPARKLY VAMPIRES are not your thing.

    By the way this is The 1 & only Uzuki. For some odd reason Blogger isn't letting me sign in

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  3. I remember when the first movie came out, I was under the impression that vampire semen was boiling oil. Apparently, such is not the case.

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  4. i read one book. why the fuck is everypody in book and out saying edward is perfect despite the fact he is a fucking vampire and a stalker. these girls must be lonely to want to be stalked and want to be a fucking vampire (ette)what's a girl vampire called anyway 2 bella gets shilled bad despite the fact she bitches about every thing its such a turn off this book is full of self insert

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  5. just a follow up to that last comment i feel sorry for the actor of edward. shit the stuff i hear. one rabid fangirl tried to give him her blood poor guy. i dont understand this do twilight fangirls like being treated like crap?

    the guy who couldent spell right :)

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  6. Vampires are undead. Thus, these insane Edward fangirls are technically necrophiliacs.

    Wait. Have I told this joke here already?

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  7. uh no we havenet met. dude still whith all these fangirls its' pretty scary when when they are in a relationship and im halfasleep writing this. and no one is answering my shilling problem
    the guy who couldent spell.

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  8. What's your shilling problem?

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  9. why is every body in book and out saying edward and bella are perfect despite all evidence against so heres a game go to a fanfiction net
    take a drink every time there's a story about bella turning evil and some new girl coming in.
    on second thought dont.
    the guy who coudent spell

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  10. I don't know why. I guess it's just the way of the world.

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  11. here is another thing that surprises me the number of people buy this shit are they this lonely ?
    the guy who coudent spell

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  12. What I don't understand is how they CAN have sex. From the small fraction of Twilight/vampire lore I have knowledge of, vampire's hearts don't beat, thus their blood doesn't flow. How the hell can Edward get an erection when his blood doesn't flow?

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