Saturday, January 7, 2012

Most Anticipated Movies for 2012

Yeah, I'm still not ready to count down my favorites of 2012 yet.  Sorry about that.  Hey, at least I'm going to be more timely than the Academy Awards, huh?  So instead of looking back, let us look forward:  to the new year... that's already a week old.  Movies are already coming out in 2012!  I'm really behind.  Last year, I did a list just like this one, and only half the movies I wanted to see panned out.  Oh well.

Looking forward to 2012, I'm going to be honest, things are looking up.  But first, because its funny, let me point out the big low marks for what's to come:   "Journey to the Center of the Earth 2" (they made a 1?), "Ghostrider 2", "Clash of the Titans 2", "Men in Black 3", "Underworld 4", "Ice Age 4", and "Scary Fucking Movie 5".  Then there's a wretched-looking "Battleship", the utterly wretched "Mirror Mirror", the equally wretched remake of "21 Jump Street", and the most unbelievably wretched reboot of "The Three Stooges" starring that whore from "Jersey Shore".  I know "that whore from 'Jersey Shore'" isn't being specific, but aren't they all the same anyway?  We got the "Spiderman" reboot coming, if only to make people wonder why it exists at all.  Apparently there will be a "Halloween 3D", but nobody knows or what is directing it.  And to crown out the mediocrity, every comic book nerd in the world will go crazy for "The Avengers", a movie I guarantee you will suck.   But that's not the real low point for 2012, I got a good one for you:  "The Expendables 2".  Oh God, its happening.  Man, I hate living on this planet sometimes...

But let's ignore the negative, and look to the positive, shall we?  Here are the movies I actually want to see:

The Dark Knight Rises (July 20th):  Fish in a barrel on this one.  "Batman 3" is going to kick ass.  Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy is coming to a close, that alone is shocking enough to warrant viewing.  When do Superhero stories ever end?  The idea is practically unheard of.  Usually a Superhero franchise will just keep churning out inferior sequel after inferior sequel until finally the studio gives up, retires the property for a few years, and then tries again:  check out the "Spiderman" reboot that's coming this summer.  But Nolan is finishing the story, that means that all bets are off.  Will Batman die?  Will Gotham burn?  Its going to be hard to top "Batman 2" (or "The Dark Knight" as most people call it), and I honestly doubt "Batman 3" will do it, but that doesn't mean this won't be a great movie.  This also features a football field being destroyed, that's awesome.

A lot of people are mocking the new villain, Bane for being incomprehensible.  I know I have my Bane impression perfectly down:  just cover your mouth with your hand and breath a lot.  Insta Bane.  I still think he looks pretty menacing.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (December 14th):  Yeah, this movie is getting the "Harry Potter 7" treatment and being split into two films.  That's really the one downer.  Otherwise, its more Lord of the Rings!  Who can complain about that?  I tried to read "The Hobbit" back in 2010 before finally get bored with it, that book is really a kids' storybook.  When I have kids I'll have to read it to them, but "The Hobbit" isn't really my thing.  This movie version, however, seems to be following the adult tone of Peter Jackson's original Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  there's a smal chance this could suck, but I'd say this is a sound bet if you're looking for entertainment later in the year.

Brave (June 22nd):  Pixar is back!  ...We hope.  Here Pixar seems to basically be making their own version of "The Secret of Kelles" (or their own version of "How to Train Your Dragon" for those in the cheap seats).  Unfortunately, the trailer for "Brave" is underwhelming to me, it looks like yet another story of a girl overcoming fantasy sexism and becoming a badass.  That's kinda been done to death.  Not to mention every joke in that trailer is painfully unfunny.  Maybe in the modern world, you have to make all family movies look awful to get the idiot parents into the theatre.  It worked for "Tangled".

Also, the production behind this one was troubled.  The old director, Brenda Chapman, previous director of the impressive "The Prince of Egypt", was kicked out for Mark Andrews, who is currently untried.  I would naturally assume that Pixar knew what it was doing here, but then again, we live in post-"Cars 2" world.  Has Pixar truly sold its soul to mediocrity?  That's the question we're going to have to find out later this year.

World War Z (December 21st):  I love this book.  It was a really great zombie book and a decent parody of our entire civilization.  The movie could hit or miss, I accept that, but that's fine.  I also briefly met the author, Max Brooks, so that one tiny little brush with minor stardom is enough to convince me to see this movie.  "World War Z" was basically a series of short stories all detailing various happenings in the zombie war around the world.  So that includes huge failed military attacks, a Chinese Civil War, and a blind samurai.  It this movie follows the book well enough, this could be great.

Star Wars Episode I:  The Phantom Menace 3D (February 10th):  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  You wish, Lucas.

Django Unchained (December 25th):  Quentin Tarantino arrives with a sack of Christmas presents in the form of a new kind of Spaghetti Western that he calls "a Southern".  It stars an escaped slave a roaring rampage of revenge against his slave owner, trying to save his wife.  So after Tarantino made a movie glorifying the slaughter of Nazis, he's now making a movie glorifying the slaughter of Antebellum racists.  He's hitting everybody on the Acceptable History Targets list.

Unfortunately, I didn't like "Inglorious Bastards"*, I thought the plot was uneven, the Bastard characters wasted in their own movie, and the end was stupid.  Why are we revising history to show Hitler dying early?  Didn't we win the war anyway?  What does that mean?  If "Django Unchained" features Jefferson Davis getting blown up in a theatre in 1862, I will walk out of that theatre.

The Secret World of Arrietty (February 17th):  Its this year's Ghibli movie.  'Nugh said.  This movie was actually already released in the UK with a totally different dub than the one Disney has commissioned in the US.  Now, I'd like to see this movie in theatres to show my support to Ghibli, but I also want to see the UK dub.  When I finally find a steam online that works, I'll probably be able to review this movie early.  (If anybody can give a brother a link, they would be much appreciated.)  Now, I could watch this movie immediately, but as I've mentioned previously, I like my anime dubbed.  Please don't turn this post into a dubbing vs. subbing debate, by the way.

Red Tails (January 20th):  I don't actually have any hope at all for this movie.  But it is a WWII film, and it is really George Lucas' last chance to show that world that he's still relevant as a movie maker.  Yeah, the Star Wars Prequels were disasters, we all know that, but the good thing about "Red Tails" is that its not being directed by George Lucas personally!  And he didn't write the screenplay, and he's not doing anything other than producing it.  The raw special effects power of Lucasfilm can be used to make great movies, just as long as Lucas learns to delegate and let other people into the fold.

Now "Red Tails" can of course wind up being the fifth Star Wars Prequel in terms of horror, but I'm going to hold out hope.  Its about the Tuskegee Airmen, a group of African American pilots who flew in a segregated division but fought with distinction.  If anybody deserves a good war movie to be made about them, its these heroes.  Let's hope Lucas is able to tell their story properly.

John Carter (March 9th):  At first I thought this movie was the yet weirdest turn in the Terminator franchise.  Turns out they actually said "John CARTER" not "John CONNER", big difference.  I don't have much hope either for this one, honestly.  But as for a stupid action movie, I guess you could do better than a fantasy movie:  ON MARS.  This is also the first live action Pixar movie, so I kinda got to support it.  Technically its a Disney production, but its being directed by Andrew Stanton, the genius who made "WALL-E" and "Finding Nemo".

The trailers are a bit weird too.  I like the use of silly green aliens, I like seeing Mark Strong in anything, but it all looks likes a strange SciFi Conan the Barbarian, only with the women wearing more cloths.  Damn Disney interference!  An R-rating would really help me get more excited about this movie.

The Hunger Games (March 23rd):  From what I've heard of the book, its basically "The Running Man" turned into an entire society.  So this movie could be really brutal and awesome.  But since this one will probably be going for the preteen crowd, that means a lousy PG-13 rating.  Its a mixed chance, all in all.  Like "John Carter" above, this movie is a pretty cynical attempt to start a franchise.  With "Twilight" coming to close this fall, Hollywood is going to need another big teen movie series.  So this movie could either wind up being great, or be brutally raped, beaten, and finally emptied of all its blood like the disastrous "Golden Compass".  By the way, they never made any sequels to "Golden Compass", be warned Hollywood.

And if "Hunger Games" really is going to be the next "Twilight", maybe it can be an epic disaster and prove to be entertainment for years to come.

ParaNorman (August 17th):  This one comes from the people who made "Coraline", one of my all time favorite movies.  Its about a kid obsessed with horror movies ending up in a real life horror movie.  The trailers aren't giving much away, so I really don't have much to say here.  Didn't I talk about this movie already?  Look through my archives if you want more.

Twilight 5 (November 16th):  OHYEAH!  THIS MOVIE WILL ROCK!  "Twilight 4" is going to end up on both my Worst Movies of the Year List and my Best Movies of the Year list.  Yeah, it was a wretched example of movie making and an embarrassment to entire world of storytelling, but it was also hysterical and entertaining as all Hell.  "Twilight 5" is the other half of "Breaking Dawn", the Twilight book so incredibly awful that even the Twilight fans hate it.  So I being a Twilight Anti-Fan would of course, love whatever is coming.  I hear the ending to the series is utterly and truly awful.  So we will be in for plenty of delicious fun.  I'm going to be honest here, with the exception for "Batman 3", this is the movie I'm most excited for.

So that's the entire list, I hope you were inspired to look forward to some movies.  Obviously these aren't the only movies I will see this year, and obviously these will not be the best movies of the year.  But 2012, I think, will be a good year for us all.  Let us enjoy it.

* Learn to spell, Tarantino.  I have my own share of embarrassing typos on this blog, but I least get the titles correct.  By the way, it was my total confusion with "Inglorious Bastards" that eventually inspired me to start this blog.  I needed to write something about it, I just didn't know where or how.


  1. So psyched for Batman. I have a hard time believing it, but my school's student life center is claiming that they will be showing this movie three months before its release. That would be the greatest thing ever.

  2. Most excited for The Hobbit. I am a colossal Tolkien fan.

  3. @Axel: Is that true? What school do you live in?

  4. FSU. I'm not sure if it's true, it's just something a classmate of mine mentioned.