Let us look ahead a the movies and video games which are coming out in May 2014:
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (May 2nd) - Spider-Man returns for his fifth movie, but only his second amazing movie, apparently. May this year is completely stuffed with Blockbusters, with every week having its own huge release. And we do not start small, since "The Amazing Spider-Man 2" is seemingly the vanguard for all of Sony's hopes and dreams for the next century. Every goddamn visit to the movies for seemingly a decade has had a trailer for this movie, I am so sick of looking at Spider-Man's red and blue uniform. The movie itself seems to be skipping straight to "Spider-Men 3"'s mistake of too many villains, with three bad guys to fight. It will be a mess. All of this is going to set up Sony's answer to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, with "The Amazing Spider-Man 3", "The Sinister Six", and a "Venom" movie all coming out in the next few years. So eventually there won't even be regular movies, everything will just be a superhero film. Could this please be a flop so that particular dark future does not come to pass?
-- Chances to be Good: 60%. I liked the first "Amazing Spider-Man" but I cannot remember for the life of me if Dennis Leahry died at the end or not.
Belle (May 2nd) - Perhaps the stuffiest film of 2014 yet, "Belle" is an English drama film about an upper class British family raising an illegitimate Black child as one of their own, and the social wackiness that ensues. It is based upon the real case of Dido Elizabeth Belle, a gentlewoman of African descent that lived in an abolitionist family in England during the 18th and 19th centuries. And that's really all there is to say about that.
-- Chances to be Good: 61%. Tom Wilkinson is in it, there is that.
Chef (May 9th) - And now for something far less stuffy. Jon Favreau directs, stars in, writes, and produces "Chef", a comedy about a Cuban cook standing up for his true passion in life: making great food. This is Favreau's first auteur production, which is a huge departure for his giant Blockbusters such as "Iron Man". Instead it is a small production of love for cooking. To pull that off his dreams, Favreau's character goes on a "Bob's Burgers"-esque adventure, experimenting with new cuisine, getting a food truck, and surrounding himself with wacky idiots such as John Leguizamo and Robert Downey Jr. Just looking at how beautifully the food is shot in this trailer is enough to make me want to see this, and to order from this guy's food truck.
-- Chances to be Good: 80%. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
|Who thought this was a good idea again?|
-- Chances to be Good: 0%.
Neighbors (May 9th) - Despite being a comedy movie, "Neighbors" looks good. It is directed by Nicholas Stoller, the former director of two perfectly solid comedies, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and "Get Him to the Greek", which was one of my favorite movies of 2010. This time we have a young married couple, Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne, at war with a college fraternity that has moved next door - a fraternity that is exactly 5,000 times more cool than any real life fraternity has ever been or could ever hope to be. Zac Efron is playing probably the role he was born for, a stupid douchbag. With no challengers other than "Legends of Oz", "Neighbors" will devour the box office.
-- Chances to be Good: 70%. I am not sure if this will get a review since I so rarely review comedies, but this actually looks very funny.
-- Chances to be Good: GODZILLA%.
Million Dollar Arm (May 16th) - Jon Hamm recruits two Indian boys to become major league sluggers. Also Jon Hamm gets to shove a pork sausage inside of Lake Bell. This is a feel-good family drama with well... absolutely nothing that I want to see. I shall walk right past this Disney family nonsense to see GODZILLA destroy more stuff. GODZILLA!!
-- Chances to be Good: 50%. If this is your thing, sure. GODZILLA!!! (Okay, I'll stop.)
Blended (May 23rd) - Adam Sandler made another movie. Because God hates us.
-- Chances to be Good: Fuck All%. When was the last time an Adam Sandler movie was good?
|Naked blue Jennifer Lawrence... and other people.|
-- Chances to be Good: 60%. It looks like a mess. And 2014 is not even half over, but I think I'm already exhausted of writing about superhero movies. Hopefully Fassbender can steal this show and save it.
|HAHAHA!! DARKNESS! THE TRUUUUUUUUE DARKNESS!!!!!!!!|
-- Chances to be Good: 59%. The effects look pretty, the story has potential, but who really knows?
A Million Ways to Die in the West (May 30th) - Seth MacFarlane follows up "Ted" and his now deeply-maligned Academy Awards hosting job with "A Million Ways to Die in the West". He directs and stars in a goofy comedy about a regular guy having to fight Liam Neeson, or else be killed a presumably million times. People drop dead a lot in the trailer, so we've definitely seen about a dozen ways to die in the West. I have my doubts if the film will manage to fill up a million ways. Also, Seth MacFarlane seems like a pretty natural star, he could actually work as a lead actor, which is good.
-- Chances to be Good: (Solve for X) 50X(40/5) = 32000% So basically, it all looks good, and this is pretty much the only Western coming out this year.
|Yeah, he's cute. But after years of Smash Bros all I can see a pink blob of pure HATRED.|
-- Chances to be Good: 70%. Kirby games never suck, but they're always stupidly easy and kinda boring.
Mario Golf: World Tour (May 2nd) - Mario and his friends play golf. On the 3DS.
-- Chances to be Good: 65%. Yeah, it has Mario, Daisy in some cute shorts, and weird stage hazards, but that's all there to make you forget that you're playing golf. Sorry, it is still golf.
Bound by Flame (May 9th) - This is an action RPG made by Spiders, which sounds awesome, until you realize it is not in fact a race of sentient video game-making spiders, but rather a French development house made up entirely of human employees who seem to do nothing but make this kind of game. There has been virtually no press about Bound by Flame, even though it is coming out on the PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, and Windows. I really cannot find much about this title, probably because everybody has completely forgotten about it already. It looks exactly like every other Western RPG out there, but with twice the generic sauce. This is coming out in just a few days, that is assuming anybody can remember it long enough to ship the discs.
-- Chances to be Good: 40%. What was I talking about again?
|This is going to be very weird.|
-- Chances to be Good: 75%. Yeah, "Xenogears" and "Final Fantasy VIII" were memorable titles, but they were also some of the most ill-conceived RPGs I've ever played. "Drakengard" seems to come right from that legacy, where game devs didn't really care so much about making games fun as making them needlessly freaky.
Transistor (May 20th) - "Transistor" is the newest video game from Supergiant, the creators of "Bastion", a really arty well-loved title. Like "Bastion", "Transistor" promises to be a beautiful but bizarre adventure featuring a unique world, it's own brand of gameplay, and a hipster narrator talking at you for the entire time. The gameplay is an interesting combination of action and turn-based strategy, with your electrical powers giving all kinds of strategic possibilities. Also it is pretty. Like ridiculously pretty. Like so pretty you'll get cavities from it.
-- Chances to be Good: 60%. I'm not sure about how the gameplay will work, but mostly I'm just peeved that this game is a PS4 and Windows exclusive, meaning I cannot play it just now.
Wolfenstein: The New Order (May 20th) - What if the Nazis had won World War II? "Wolfenstein: The New Order", the newest AAA blockbuster on every consoles except for those made by Nintendo, gives very little thought to that question to instead make an exploitation video game about a very boring American dude running around killing villains from a 1970s Italian horror film. As for the gameplay... it's a first person shooter. You shoot in the first person, your health regenerates, you know. I was hoping, considering this game's pedigree, that it would be a return to fast-paced high-energy FPS's from the 1990s, the kinds of games I never got a chance to play until FPS's transformed into dull, slow, spectacle pieces with jelly splashing on your face. But hopefully at the end you will get a chance to fight a robot Adolf Hitler.
-- Chances to be Good: 40%. "Inspiration"? That word has eleven letters in it! That's way too high of a reading level for the makers of this game.
|Alright, those are good graphics.|
-- Chances to be Good: 90%. It looks really good.
Mario Kart 8 (May 30th) - Mario Kart again. On the WiiU.
-- Chances to be Good: 100%. Mario Kart again. On the WiiU.
And that is it for May. The Look-Ahead will return, as you might predict, in June, when presumably new video games and movies will come out.
* "Snow White and the Huntsman", as it turns out, was the last film to feature veteran English actor, Bob Hoskins, who died yesterday at the age of 71. Hoskins, though he had a very tiny role, was absolutely fantastic in that movie.