Let's look ahead at the upcoming movies and video games for June 2014:
Edge of Tomorrow (June 6th) - Well, I don't envy Warner Bros. right now, because "Edge of Tomorrow" is pretty much bound to flop. The trailers promise some kind of SciFi war epic involving time travel, the exact substance of which makes very little sense to me or anybody else. Tom Cruise gets to go inside a suit of power armor and thanks to remaining a bankable star gets to go inside Emily Blunt, an actress decades younger than himself. For some reason he gets to repeat every day in order to properly defeat a race of evil aliens or something. It looks like "Killzone: the Movie", only with humans instead of human-like trolls as the main characters. Personally my highest hope is that this film turns out more original and interesting than last year's SciFi action movie starring Tom Cruise, "Elysium". Or maybe that was "Oblivion". Who cares? They were both equally forgettable.
--Chances to be Good: 40%. Director Doug Liman is exactly the kind of jobber who would willingly jump into making a completely unimpressive SciFi action movie. I have no hopes.
The Fault in Our Stars (June 6th) - Here is a romantic teen comedy starring two kids dying of cancer. For movies built directly with adolescents in mind, it is easily more high-minded and intelligent than most of the shit Hollywood sends that age demographic's way. Hey, even if it is just "Twilight" with terminal diseases replacing sex vampires, we're already moving in a good direction. This is definitely not my kind of movie for a number of reasons, but it actually looks well-meaning and heartfelt. Unlike Twilight, the main couple seems to actually like each other. It looks charming.
--Chances to be Good: 70%. There is always a possibility that diving deeply into misery and agony can be pandering too. I just hope it isn't.
--Chances to be Good: 80%. "We Jump Street, and we gonna jump in up your ass."
How to Train Your Dragon 2 (June 13th) - "How to Train Your Dragon 1" remains DreamWorks' best movie, so a sequel naturally would sound like fun. The main character, Hiccup (played by Jay Baruchel), looks like he has really grown, and with him comes a slightly darker dragon war story. Well, "dark" is a bit much to say about a story involving cartoon dragons flying around and doing wacky things. The animation quality is top-notch, some of the very best I've ever seen from 3D animation, let alone from DreamWorks. They are throwing everything they have to make a beautiful movie, God Bless their little hearts. And Cate Blanchett is going to appear as Hiccup's mother, a dragon mistress.
--Chances to be Good: 75%. Love dat dragon armor.
The Signal (June 13th) - Brenton Thwaites is everything now, isn't he? Here he is again, in his third movie in just as many months, now as the star. This is a SciFi thriller where a group of friends going out into the desert to follow a signal, and then... something happens. Next thing you know Laurence Fishburne is in a science suit and the everybody is in government lock-up. Something terrifying about aliens and mind-bending horror. It looks interesting, because the trailer gives away pretty much nothing. There are a few Indie camera angles, some comments from Sundance critics, and almost nothing about the real nature of the signal. So I want to know what's going on. That's called "suspense".
--Chances to be Good: 55%. It looks cool and I really want to see it, but something about this story feels... generic.
Jersey Boys (June 20th) - Clint Eastwood directs this adaption of the Broadway Jukebox Musical, "Jersey Boys" based on the musical group, The Four Seasons, headed by Frankie Valli. Now if you ever listened to New York's WCBS-FM 101.1* you'd know and appreciate the old Fifties doo wop and rock and roll genres, of which the Four Seasons was one of the greatest musical acts. This movie looks really good, honestly, with what seems like a solid cast, and great music. I'm not a big fan of Jukebox Musicals - they seem like a fairly lazy way to get people into a theater. But this is more of a biography than a musical, and I can appreciate that.
--Chances to be Good: 70%. Clint Eastwood is a beloved director for some reason, but he seems to have only one speed: boring. Hopefully Frankie Valli can shake that up.
Think Like a Man Too (June 20th) - I swear to God this movie just came out in February when it was called "About Last Night". They filmed the exact same movie twice, and with a different title. They even kept the same cast! I know Kevin Hart is not an actor with a great deal of range, mostly his brand of comedy involves a lot of shouting. But come on, you can at least write a different plot!
--Chances to be Good: 20%. Somebody explain to me Kevin Hart's appeal.
Transformers: Age of Extinction (June 25th) - There are times I hate having this blog. This is one of them. Do I really have to see this fucking movie? It's Michael Bay. It's Transformers. These movies have sucked longer than I can remember. Fuck me.. Noooo.... NOOO!! 'Oh, it's got robot dinosaurs now!' Yeah, fuck you. It's going to suck so much shit that you ass will be funnel-shaped by the end. 'Oh, Shia LaBooooof is gone.' Yeah, I don't really care. Marky Mark aint saving this franchise. The same stupid comic relief nonsense is going to destroy this movie just like it did the first three. If anybody can make a bad movie, it is Michael Bay. Oh, and the same screenwriter of the first three movies, Ehren Kruger, is doing the same crap again. The man has never written a good movie in ten years of work - his high point was "Scream 3"! I can't wait for the masturbation jokes, the dog-pissing jokes, the fat chick jokes, the racist jokes - you know what's coming. I know what's coming. Why me?? WHY ME???
--Chances to be Good: WHY ME%. The only silver lining is that if my run of 0 comments posts continues, I can abandon this blog before subjecting myself to what will definitely be the worst movie of the year. Hey, if nobody is reading, that makes my life that much easier. I don't have to see the fucking "Ninja Turtles" movie either.
Snowpiercer (June 25th) - Chris Evans stars in this South Korean dystopian action film. I hesitate to call it "SciFi" because it's concept is so ridiculous I don't think you could ever pretend this is the real world in the future. Civilization appears to have all been destroyed besides a single train, which travels across the snowbound planet, with the first class passengers oppressing those in steerage, in one of the broadest class warfare metaphors ever. Well, it is definitely an original concept, and the trailer has some cool-looking shots.
--Chances to be Good: 50%. I know I'm supposed to be hipster and think this movie looks cool just because it's unusual and foreign, but something about this looks rather generic. Just like that Tom Cruise movie.
And now for those games that I seem to never play:
Murdered: Soul Suspect (June 3rd) - Square Enix's "Murdered" is pretty much the only big game release in June. I guess this is the start of the summer gaming drought or something - but honestly I feel this whole year has been a great deal of nothing in terms of game releases. Anyway, as the only major release, let us discuss this game: it's a mystery crime game where you play as a hard-boiled detective, the kind of man Humphrey Bogart would have played back in the Forties, tracking a serial killer. Only there's a small wiggle that you've just become the killer's latest victim. So now you're a ghost, and you do ghost-things, like float around and collect clues while nobody can see you, or make pottery with Demi Moore.
--Chances to be Good: 50%. Something of an interesting concept, but Jesus some of the character models are fugly. I also just do not fully understand how a game like this is supposed to have any challenge - you're already dead. Do you become more dead? Does Ammit devour your heart, sending you down into an eternal lake of fire?
Tomodachi Life (June 6th) - This is not the same thing as the late 90s electronic pet toys that always used to die within a few hours. Those were "Tamagotchis". Beyond that I know nothing about "Tomodachi". This is the big 3DS release of June. Apparently this is a "life simulation" game, which is about as vague of a title for a game genre as I could possibly imagine. Pretty much what this is means is that you load up your Miis - everybody loves Miis right? - and then get to play a lot of weird minigames with them. Such as a dance off with a lot of auto-tune. And an RPG where you fight a Veggie Burger(?). Um... okay?
--Chances to be Good: 50%. Weird.
Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark (June 24th) - Oh my God! It's like I'm in a Michael Bay movie! This is such a dream come true. Because Bayformers are totally something I love, right?
--Chances to be Good: WHY MEEEEEEEE%
And there you are. That is your scheduled programming for June. The Look-Ahead Show will return in July, assuming Michael Bay's Transformers movie has not killed us all by then.
* Unless you were listening between 2005 and 2007. One night without warning the station suddenly ended and was replaced by some brand new radio channel called "Jack FM". The Oldies were gone, the DJs were all fired, and everybody was pissed - even mayor Michael Bloomberg. Jack FM was one of the greatest failures in all of radio history, replacing a storied and beloved station with what was... actually, I have no idea what Jack FM was supposed to be. It just marketed itself as "playing what we want", whatever that means. In 2007, Sinatra and Valli and Presley returned, and Jack was gone. Nobody missed him.