Tuesday, March 31, 2015

April 2015 - Look Ahead(?)

Hey, it's April!  Have you met April?  She's a lovely month.  Young, full of hope, with bright green eyes, and ready for life.  Please treat her well, she's kind and confident, but also very innocent despite her proud ways.  Mistreatment of months is now a crime punishable by federal prosecutors.  I knew a guy who slapped July 2011 once, he won't be out of prison for another six years.  So be good to April, and she'll be good to you, and we won't have to get any Grand Juries involved.

Anyway, here are the movies and video games coming out in April 2015... I think:

Predator: Pilgrim Hunt (April 3rd) - So finally a fourth... or maybe sixth Predator film, the long-running 80s franchise dating all the way back to the hallowed muscled days of Schwarzenegger himself.  I was rather easy on Robert Rodriguez's previous film in the franchise, "Predators" but I am not really a big fan of just rebooting the franchise again.  Especially since this time, the Predators are not fighting modern action stars, but rather are going back to 1692 where they will be fighting Puritans at the Salem Witch Trials.  Somehow the idea of Michael Cera with a pitchfork is less of a serious threat than Schwarzenegger with a machine gun, you know?
--Chances to be Good:  40%.  "Alien vs. Predator" was silly enough but "The Scarlet Letter vs. Predator" is just too much.

The Astronaut Loner (April 3rd) - Well, here's your big arthouse movie of the month, this one from Lars von Trier.  Michael Cera stars as a cantankerous misanthropic astronaut in terrible old age make-up living seven million light years away from Earth, spending his days mostly refusing to answer his phone.  Stuck somewhere in the Horsehead Nebula, Astronaut Cera sits lonely, bitterly recounting to himself how he was cheated out of five dollars from the girl at Panera Bread.  Later he befriends a cute alien friend, and they get married.
--Chances to be Good:  10%.  Since this is von Trier you know explicit sex is going to happen, and probably some disturbing scenes of self-mutilation too.

Found Footage (April 10th) - The found footage fad is mostly over in horror already, but that doesn't mean it is not too late to cruelly lampoon it.  This is a very cheap movie, most of the budget seems to have gone in casting Michael Cera as a supporting character, but the remaining money is used well.  A group of friends go to the cinema to watch the newest Paranormal Activity - and bring their video camera to bootleg it.  Midway through the movie real ghosts show up and the friends are eaten one by one.
--Chances to be Good:  60%.  I love the idea.  It's one half "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and one half straight horror murder movie.  Can't wait to see it.

     Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
Full Metal Honeypot (April 10th) - 2015's spy obsession continues with this movie, and it is easily the most unique espionage film of the year.  Pixar has long been known for charming family adventures, so it is certainly a gamble for them to make a gory explicit full-on exploitation sex movie.  Sarah Hyland voices Peach, a stripper tasked to defeat an evil hunchback (Michael Cera)'s mad scheme to corner the market in saltpeter.  Along the way she gets involve with many sexual hyjinks, including an unfortunate but memorable scene at a horse stable involving six cans of mushroom soup and a wooden spoon.
--Chances to be Good:  70%.  Pixar still has many great movies left in them, I think.

Hardboiled Damage (April 17th) - A 1940s noir throwback film made by first time director, Michael Cera.  A troubled detective, Bradley Cooper, is put on one last case, to find the Chrysanthemum Killer, a manic who murders the daughter of haberdashers.  However our intrepid detective also has malignant brain tumor and cannot be sure if he is actually solving the case or going completely mad.  Frank Langella plays his human partner and also a green alien with omnipotent powers who may or may not exist.
--Chances to be Good:  100%.  The buzz at SXSW was so big that at least one critic committed suicide, proclaiming that he could not longer live in a world so incomplete as ours after seeing the beauty of "Hardboiled Damage".

Twilight 6: Blue Moon (April 24th) - We thought we wiped them out, we thought Earth was safe, but Twilight is back and worse than ever.  Girls, this your time of the month.  Bella and her vampire lover Edward have been happily married for many years, until Stephanie Meyer decided she needed more money.  This time things get far more complicated when a Mummy Boy (Michael Cera) and a Creature from the Black Lagoon ( boy both come to Forks to win Bella's heart.  Sexual tension is metaphorically represented by a very tense game of Shoots and Ladders.
--Chances to be Good:  N/A.  I cannot grade this movie.  You know it is going to suck, but I'm going to have a great time watching and reviewing this one.

Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Shazam! (April 24th) - Oh, what month would be complete without a comic book superhero movie?  Michael Cera stars as Billy Batson, a kind-hearted young boy who becomes Captain Marvel, Earth's mightiest superhero.  This would be perfectly fine but the studio is clearly pushing "Shazam!" to be the first film in a shared Fawcett Comics Cinematic Universe, with planned movies such as "Captain Midnight", "Bulletman", "Mr. Scarlet", and "Hoppy the Marvel Bunny" all to come in the next few years.
--Chances to be Good:  80%.  Think that's enough Michael Cera, seriously?

And now for video games.

Helicopter Massacre 3 (April 2nd, PC) - Valve's beloved Helicopter Massacre game is back and seemingly better than ever.  Sure many were hoping for "Portal 3" or "Dead Rising 3" or "Team Fortress 3" (or some other game franchise that they have that might need a third installment) but I'm glad it is "Helicopter Massacre" that has now become a trilogy.  In these games you play as a small squirrel whose tree home is under attack from evil tiny anti-semetic helicopters with the face of Christopher Walken.  You must defeat them with a laser canon and physics puzzles.
--Chances to be Good:  90%.  Despite the goofy premise these games are very mature and have deeply sophisticated storylines.  The second game ended on a cliffhanger than the squirrel has cancer just after discovering that he had a daughter - who also has cancer.  The Internet is just buzzing to find out what happens next.

The Legend of Sheik (April 7th, Wii U) - This is the big Nintendo release of the season and the one product I am most excited about.  For the first time Sheik is getting a starring role in a Zelda game!  In a prequel to "The Wind Waker", Princess Zelda must take on the role of hero when the Hero of Light does not appear.  With darkening skies from the Gods' retribution rolling over the Land of Hyrule promising an apocalypse of water, Zelda must become her ninja alter ego, Sheik, to save her people before it is too late.  She will navigate a series of lightning fast platforming action puzzles.
--Chances to be Good:  0%.  Why Nintendo?  Why can't I have this game?

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.
Airship Arabesque XV-5 (April 11th, 3DS) - The long running JRPG franchise has a new sequel.  This time you play as Blizzard, a loner tax accountant who is possessed by the spirits of fallen soldiers from the Battle of Lepanto and are transformed into the hero of the universe.  However your supervisors at the tax office will not allow this and are just furious you ate their lunch in the fridge, so they send a small armada of mentally-disturbed alcoholic androids to hunt you down.  Combat is fought on needlessly complicated Excel spreadsheets, mostly involving elaborate calculus equations.
--Chances to be Good:  30%.   Man, I am just tired of "Airship Arabesque XV".  Can't we go back to when the series was good, like "Airship Arabesque IX"?

Star Wars: Remnant (April 20th, PC, PS4, XBone) - EA is doing amazing things with their Star Wars license.  The idea is that during the Battle of Yavin Han Solo never came back to rescue Luke, meaning Darth Vader defeated the Rebel attack on the Death Star, and the Rebels were wiped out by the battle station's laser.  You lead the last remaining squadron of rebel fighters with just a single transport ship and must rebuild the rebellion piecemeal, slowly acquiring resources and new ships while avoiding Imperial attacks.  It is a guerrilla war tactical simulator with an open-ended storyline with many branches.
--Chances to be Good:  66.66666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666%  - You know EA is going to ruin this somehow.

Super Neurotic Ox Bros. Fracas (April 29th, Sega Neptune) - This sequel is comes 1,500 years after the original "Super Neurotic Ox Bros", a game so bad that it is often blamed for the fall of the Western Roman Empire.  Already reviews are saying "Death will be a relief" and "Tell my children:  AHHHHHHHH!!", so I think that gets the point across pretty well, right?
--Chances to be Good:  1%.  EA is going to ruin this one too.

8 comments:

  1. I actually didn't realize this was an april fool's joke until you mentioned Twilight 6.

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    1. Blue's pranking game is TOO DAMN STRONG

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  2. What a talented guy this Michael Cera fellow. It's too bad he isn't starring in any video games this month, but I understand that he's very busy with all the movies. Maybe next month. I hope that he'll voice Mario in Not Really New Super Mario Bros 5!

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  3. Is it bad that I immediately went to Wikipedia to see if Predator Pilgrim Hunt was real?

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  4. I would actually watch Predator vs The Scarlet Letter, if only to see the entire cast of the latter being slaughtered. I despise that novel.

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  5. Blue, please. Do a legit one. I actually look forward to these.

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    1. Nothing else is coming out this entire month other than Furious 7, but sure.

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  6. Oh, Google account or anonymous? That's a hard one.
    Is Fast and Furious (the whole soon-to-be heptalogy) actually good?

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