A Christmas Story..... 2 Trailer

This is a thing now.

This is one of those trailers that are really terrible, but they don't make you angry. They make you sad. Really really sad. Its a straight-to-DVD sequel to the perennial Christmas classic, "A Christmas Story", that movie you see pretty much every Christmas. I'm not even a huge fan of "A Christmas Story", in fact, I could live the rest of my life never seeing it again, since I already know every joke, every gag, and every moment, its meaningless now. I'm the guy who wants the football game on, usually. But its still a classic, I still have a warm spot for that movie, like the rest of America. And to see it just... tortured by this terrible goddamn idea for a movie, its hard to take. Jean Shepherd, the narrator and comedian who wrote all the Ralphie stories, he's been dead for ten years. What hope could this movie have? NONE. I guess I should ask as to what any of these people were thinking making this movie, but the answer is clear: they weren't thinking, and they aren't actually people.

Its also being made by the same company that made "Ace Ventura Jr.". And no, that exists too. Yeah.

"A Christmas Story 2" is coming out on October 30th, perfectly in time for... Halloween. Probably because they knew this was a true horror movie, frightening in a visceral soul-destroying way that the "Paranormal Activity" movies could only dream of.

Also, this is exactly the worst gift for the holidays. If there's somebody out there you really really hate, buy them "A Christmas Story 2".

Starship Troopers: Invasion

Let this be a warning to you all:  "Starship Troopers: Invasion" sucks.  I cannot recommend it to anybody for any reason.  So on that, I should just end the review there, it would the sensible thing to do, you probably never heard of this movie, and you weren't going to see it anyway.  I doubt many people will even read this since, again, its an obscure straight-to-DVD film.  But it sucks, still.

The Starship Troopers franchise has a long and storied history, one that is significantly more interesting than the current subject matter of this post.  "Starship Troopers", the novel, was written by one of the oddest science fiction authors of the 20th century (and that's saying a lot), Robert A. Heinlein.  Like most of his novels, its not a story as much as an extended essay or thought exercise in some possible future society.  Heinlein really isn't very consistent with his philosophy, he pretty swung in every direction from socialism to fascism, constantly pondering as to where a person should stand in his or her society.  For example, he once wrote a whole novel that was really nothing more than an extended argument for why incest isn't so bad, "Time Enough for Love".  Then there's at least two books about nudism.  I cannot recommend any of his books, even when they seem like they might have interesting topic mattes, they all inevitably descend into characters sitting in a room and talking endlessly in a Socratic dialog.  And "Starship Troopers" was Heinlein's brief foray into advanced militarism.  Essentially stating that the perfect society is Space Sparta, where you need to fight to get a vote.  They also fight giant bugs in space, but that's hardly relevant to the actual point.

"Starship Troopers" was not adapted into a movie until 1997, by Paul Verhoeven, a director insane and silly enough to match Heinlein.  Verhoeven hated the novel he was adapting, and thus turned his whole movie into a grand farce, mocking the militarism and quasi-fascism of the original novel and dressing Dougie Hauser in an SS uniform.  The movie "Starship Troopers" is both a guilty pleasure action fest B-movie of the highest quality, its endless fun, you got super models fighting bug aliens for an hour and half its great, and also a take-that to Heinlein.  You need to realize this movie is mocking itself, and like all Verhoeven movies, half the joy comes from that fact he never takes anything seriously.  It holds a special place in my heart as the first I ever saw that was R-rated and had nudity (I was six at the time).  I really recommend this movie.

Now, "Starship Troopers: Invasion" is the third sequel to that movie.  And it sucks.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters Trailer

Sadly not a horror comedy sequel to "Zoolander".

I guess Hollywood learned nothing when they released "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter".  Which admittedly was actually profitable, if just barely, but still, what a piece of crap.  If the concept sounds like the stupidest thing you've ever heard in your life, it probably will end that way.  I mean, Jeremy Renner is a cool dude, and they sure seem to have invented about one hundred weird crossbow weapons (Renner can't seem to get away from bow weapons, can he?), but I'm not getting any sense of fun out of this movie.

Maybe its me, but I'm so stone-cold shocked into some of psychological fugue state because of the title and the concept, I know I could never enjoy this movie.  And I'm not alone in being just completely floored by how stupid this is.  And there isn't even a sense of irony, they seem to be playing this straight.  Its Hansel and Gretel... fighting witches... for some reason.  WHY??  I think we've reached some kind of event horizon of stupidity with Hollywood now.  They've gotten so bad with their adaptations that I'm pretty sure next year we'll see a big budget action movie of Ovaltine!  "Ovaltine: Werewolf Impaler", directed by Brett Ratner.  Because why not?  "Vulnerable Bede: Martian Manhunter".  "Cheerios: Demon Slayer".  "Barnie the Dinosaur: Back 2 Da Hood!"  How much worse can it get?

(By the way, Hollywood, if you're thinking of actually making "Barnie the Dinosaur: Back 2 Da Hood", I already have the script completed.  That will be one million dollars, please.)

Fullmetal Alchemist: The Sacred Star of Milos

"Fullmetal Alchemist: The Sacred Star of Milos" might possibly be the very last thing in the Fullmetal Alchemist franchise that we'll see for a very long time.  This is a both a good and bad thing.  The first "Fullmetal Alchemist" anime is one of the best Japanese TV shows ever made in my ignorant Western opinion, and "Brotherhood" was... good roughly until I realized the story wasn't going anywhere interesting.  But its still one of the most successful and well-animated and most brilliant anime/manga/crappy PS2* game franchises ever.  On the other hand, I'm kinda glad its coming to an end, because let's be honest, "Fullmetal Alchemist" had its time, it shined beautifully, but we should resign it to just being a good memory of our pasts. Even "Dragonball Z" ended, even "Bleach" is ending.  And that's not a bad thing.  All things must end, and they're better for it.

"The Sacred Star of Milos" is actually not a bad swan song for a very good anime franchise.  The movie that you can best compare it to is "The Conqueror of Shamballa", which was just a huge mess and pretty much ruined the ending to the first anime**.  "Milos" does not try to tack on another ending to the story, instead it goes out of its way to avoid continuity, and can basically exist as an unspoken-of side adventure in either anime series.  Ed and Al are still looking for a way to get their bodies back, but this is after they learn that Philosopher Stones are (spoilers) MADE OUT OF PEOPLE (spoilers).  I think the movie, though, is fitting more towards "Brotherhood" continuity, but I'm not a big enough fan of this franchise to really care one way or another.  I don't think "Sacred Star of Milos" was actually released in any theaters here in the US, but the DVD is out now, and its available online for free on the typical anime sites... if you're morally questionable to watch it there.  Which I am.

Anyway, as a movie, its passable, really.  Don't expect this movie to be your grand entry into the "Fullmetal Alchemist" universe, and really don't expect the finest storyline yet out of this universe.  As a movie, its actually pretty mediocre, the plot really drags in the first hour as the story dumps a mountain of exposition on us.  Then the second half is just endless action fanservice for the fans.  Which is fine, I wasn't expecting a classic out of this, and neither should you.  Its just one final adventure for the Elric Brothers, one complete with a volcanic eruption, werewolves, an army of Batmen, mysterious masked villains, and one dude who knows most Ice and Thunder magic.  So its actually something of a fun ride, if just a tad messy.

Do I Have to See the New Terry Malice Movie?

Terrance Malick made another movie in under a year.  Despite being a so-called "recluse filmmaker", the guy sure seems to be enjoying his post-"Tree of Life" career high and already made another completely incomprehensible epic about... assorted things.  But this time it has Ben Affleck!  And according to the immediate reports from Venice Film Festival (arty crap like Terry Malice movies always have to open in a festival), its even more incomprehensible and awful than "Tree of Life".  Apparently its the "least narrative" movie yet from this guy, to the point that Ben Affleck has less than ten lines in the entire movie and Olga Kurylenko spends her entire screen time spinning.  Just in case this movie didn't look bad enough, in reports, Terry Malice tore up his own movie, leaving various high-name actors like Rachel Weisz and Michael Sheen on the cutting room floor.

In this world there are hundreds of aspiring talents, young filmmakers who would sell their souls to work for five minutes with somebody as famous and talented as Michael Sheen.  And Terry Malice is so spoiled he can just throw them away in order to make... some kind of message about something.  Who the fuck knows?  I really wish I were Terry Malice, because from he's standing us little filmgoers and critics must seem hysterical.  Pathetic little ants struggling to uncover his grand pattern, when he knows that he has no pattern at all and is laughing his face off.  Or maybe he's actually come to believe his own bullshit.  Its awful.

So anyway, do I have to go see this next "Provocative Sensory Experience" from Terry Malice?  If you read my "Tree of Life" review, you'd know that was the worst filmwatching experience of my entire life.  And I've seen a lot of bad goddamn movies, trust me, but Terry Malice is the Lord Protector and Royal Majesty of Shit Movies.  I really don't think I have it in me to watch another one of these things.  But since I reviewed one, I feel almost like I'm required to do the other?  I know it would be entertaining for you guys, but this is almost beyond me.  I'd rather watch a full Transformers marathon than ten minutes of Mallick.  Maybe my own ego is too desperately clinging to its own illusions about the solidity of the world around me and I can't release my psyche into the greater spiritual existence.  Or maybe the movies are FUCKING BORING and I think I'd kill myself halfway through to save myself the doldrums.

Seriously, tell me I don't have to do this.  I really don't want to watch this movie.  My God...  Please help me.