Dissidia Playing Log: Prelude

Hello, Space Monkees.

This is the start of what will be a needlessly long and tiresome series of playthrough comments about the recently released fighting RPG, "Dissidia Final Fantasy". I'll be doing a log of every single chapter of the single-player game once I complete them, along with all my gripes, complaints, and assorted other commentary about what has preceded in game. So along with this one, there's at least going to be ten more logs, and expect them all to be very very detailed. You see, I would just do a playthrough but there are three good reasons not to: 1) I would hate to embarrass myself by showing off my horrible gaming skills, 2) playthroughs are annoying and not very funny unless you're the Spoony One, and 3) I have no clue how to make a video playthrough on a technical level. Also there's a sneaking suspicion that if I show my face on the web that I'll never be able to obtain respectable employment. But considering that I'm the writer of THIS blog, I should have long since abandoned any hope of fitting in with normal society.

So LET US BEGIN!

As you may or may not know, I'm something of a fan of the Final Fantasy series. I've beaten most of the main series, except XI for being an MMO and VIII for being shit. Hell, I wasted my high school years working at the Final Fantasy Wiki at Wikia. I wrote nine walkthroughs there. Nine! Ouch, that does not say much about me now does it? So, I guess I'm something of an expert on Final Fantasy stuff. Its not a bad series; five of the games are actually bonafide classics, most of the rest are pretty okay. Its not Zelda, but what is? So when a fighting game featuring the heroes from all the games comes out, naturally I would have to be there. And thanks to the good work of Norman the Hanukkah Penguin, I am now the proud owner of "Dissidia Final Fantasy" for the PSP.

I'm not exactly too big on the fighting game crowd though. The only fighting game I was ever good at or even played all that often is Super Smash Bros. And even there I'm only good with Star Fox. At my dorm, we play the original Smash Bros all the time. Its awesome, the N64 at its best. Obviously I should stop comparing this game to Smash Bros already, so I will. It will only make me pine for what is certainly a better game than this.

...though really, I could go for some Smash Bros right now. Come on Fox, let's air juggle some poor jerk's ass!

There are a few problems, right off the bat. First of all, I'm not sure how a handheld fighting game is supposed to work in multiplayer. Actually, this won't be a problem, since I'm the only person in all of New Jersey apparently who owns this game. In fact, I'm the only man in my dorm who even has a PSP. That poor PSP, it doesn't get any love. So that means that multiplayer is out. Already the game fails as a fighting game, since if I can't play multiplayer its just nothing. However there is a deep and detailed single-player mode, so I guess I can treat this as just another action RPG. Fine enough, but here's another issue. Where is "Final Fantasy XII"?? I see I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, and X all right up there, but FFXII only gets one secret side character, and its not even Balthier, the sexiet and coolest man of all video games.

I heard that in development the creators considered putting in Balthier, but instead they went with Judge Gabranth, because he was FFXII's logo. Look Square Enix, you don't think about putting Balthier in. You just put Balthier in!! Do I make myself clear?

Of course, I could bitch about character choices, like how Tidus is here instead of Yuna, and how the new girl Lightning is nowhere to be found, forever, so I'll stop right now. We can always save that for the latter logs. Another key issue I have here is the tagline: "Who will you fight for?" This must be some kind of rhetorical question, since there doesn't seem to be a choice. In the storyline, you can only fight for the good guys. That's it. I know you might want to play as Sephiroth and bring about 1000 years of darkness, but this game isn't going to let you do it. Also, like all fighting games, most of the roster is locked at the start. It sucks, but there's nothing you can do.

At the moment of writing this, I've completed the prologue (which actually takes place before you can even watch the opening cinematic or see the title screen). Basically all you do is wonder about some game boards and fight a few piss easy enemies. I'm saddened to report that the enemies here are all just pallet-swaps of the twenty-two playable characters. So that means twenty-two enemies, that's it. Its too early to really judge the fighting system, but I can at least comment on the graphics - they're really good. Just about the best that the PSP has ever done. Also the music is pretty cool too. I never do get tired of the Final Fantasy victory fanfare. Never.

So I'll stop here. Tune in later for what will be many more logs about "Dissidia Final Fantasy". I also got to review everything else Norman brought. And there are lots of good movies coming out too. Thank God I got all Winter Break to waste this time and deconstruct all my favorite nonsense. See you later, Space Monkees!