Sunday, December 13, 2009

Norman, the Hanukkah Penguin

Happy Hanuka, Space Monkees.

As you may or may not be aware, I'm Jewish. Yet for some reason that has not stopped me from eating pork, turning the lights on on Saturday, hating God, and being extremely frivolous with my money. It also hasn't stopped me from loving everything about Christmas, the most wonderful holiday of the year. Its got Santa Claus, Rudolph, Frosty, the Grinch, and an entirely canon of various other stop-motion beloved children's characters. Isn't it just the best, absolutely secular holiday out there? Right now I got a make-shift Christmas tree up in my dorm room, but there is not a menorah to be found. Yup, I'm in the Christmas spirit. Too bad we first have to get through Chanukkah.

Chanuka is an impossible to spell minor Jewish holiday. The miracle it celebrates happens to be easily the lamest miracle you'll ever here: following a very interesting war story, a candle burned for eight days when it only had oil for one. Really? Is that it? I mean, yeah, its an act of God all right, but couldn't he do something more dramatic? How about taking part in that war story? Anyway, the only reason that Chanoocka has become so popular in the last century is its proximity to another better-known holiday in the same month*. Basically the Jews were jealous of Christmas, so they took one of their own holidays around the same time, and threw in kid games like the dredel and presents. Some have even throw in a Hannuka bush, just for complete redundancy.

By the way, as for that "eight days of presents" you non-Jews might have heard of, it really isn't anything too special. You'll get one, maybe two good gifts like LEGOs, and terrible presents like socks for the other six days. Christmas is where the real presents are at. Maybe this is why I'm so sour over the whole Hanuukka thing. Once I got a library book - which was due to be returned! That's not even a real gift!

However, I feel that Haanuka just really isn't going to be a true rival for Christmas until it goes ahead and makes it own lovable cast of stop-motion characters, like Christmas has. And what better place to start than with Santa Claus himself?

So now I bring you... Norman the Chanuckka Penguin.

(Lyrics sung to the tune of "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer", with apologies over my terrible composition.)

"Norman the Chaanuka Penguin,
Lives in the cold South Pole,
With his bear wife Lora,
In a house made of coal.
All of the Jewish chil'ren,
Love happy penguin games.
They're good for their parents
For toys that aren't lame.

In his Chevy Malibu,
Norman drives no sleigh,
'Round the world eight times.
Toys for those free of crime.

Oh how the Jew kids love him,
They'r ought to yell in glee:
'Norman the Hannukah Penguin,
We're all very happy-y!"

The Norman the Hannuukah character is a joint creation between me and my Dad. Of course, most of the major details are my

*Usually, the Hebrew calendar shifts every year, so nothing ever happens on the same day. Hanucka can either take place at the same time as Christmas or as early as Thanksgiving.


  1. Take place as early as thanksgiving, huh? Lawl, I'm a Muslim, and Eid(which although not so epic in terms of celebrations, still gives gifts and happens TWICE a year) goes by the Lunar Calendar. So once the first Eid happened around Christmas. Give it a few years, and that same Eid will be in the middle of July.

    Nice to know your Jewish. My cousins are Jewish, and they give me gifts for Hanuukah every year even though I'm a Muslim. Same with Christmas, since half my family, including my mom and brother, are Christian. I'm a total mut, with all three religions mixed up in the family, but I like being Muslim. I'm not one who gets up at 5 or whatever AM though and prays. Nah, sleep is far more important when you're up till 2 or 3 AM anyway.

  2. Didn't you worship Edea just now, and wrote yourself that all religious wars will end once everyone worships her?