Deport America

Inside this country is a cancer.  These people are nothing less than uncivilized wretches, and despicable criminals.  They are tearing this country apart, killing its people, stealing its wealth, and corrupting its society.  In just the reported statistics* alone, you can see just how beyond terrible these criminals are.  These malcontented people have committed 2,238,480 assaults, 2,151,875 burglaries, 371,800 frauds, 16,204 murders, and 95,136 rapes.  There are more of these people in jail than in any other country on Earth, 2,019,234 in all.  They consume more illicit drugs than other group.  Just imagine how much more beautiful this country would be without any of them.

Who are these people?  None other than the American people themselves.  Which is why I think the solution to this major crime problem is quite obvious:  deport the entirety of the United States.

I've heard time and time again that illegal immigrants are criminals.  Not all of them, of course, but a few of them happen to be very serious criminals:  drug dealers, thugs, murderers, and rapists.  And some of them might even be terrorists.  You can't be sure about these things.  You gotta be safe.  So deport all the illegal immigrants.  But while you're at it:  deport all the natural born citizens too.  Illegal immigrants are not the only ones who commit crimes.  You watch the news, right?  Every night you'll hear another story about a murder, armed robbery, or arson.  Who is committing all these acts?  It can't just be illegals.  At least a few naturalized citizens are criminals as well - in fact the vast majority of criminals were born and raised in the United States, and most of them have eaten at least one slice of apple pie.

Some might be a little frightened by the prospect of expelling every single human being in the entire country, some might even consider me and my plan to be "completely insane".  But my logic here is certainly not entirely my own.  Its one of the major arguments for hunting down illegal immigrants and deporting them back to their home country.  It may be that only a small fraction of illegal immigrants actually are criminals, or have any interest in disrespecting the laws of this country.  But you can never be sure, can you?  Any one of them can be criminals, any one of them can go out and kill you and your family any day now.  Better safe than sorry, right?  But this line of thought is far too conservative.  It doesn't reach its logical conclusion.  Since natural-born Americans also commit crimes, you can't trust them either.  Deport everybody.  Any one of them just might shoot you in the face.

Just imagine how perfect this country will be once we remove all 300 million human beings within our boarders.  No more murders, no more rapes, no more political scandals, no more wars, and no more stupid sitcoms.  Crime rates will drop instantly to zero.  Even other unfortunate societal ills, like teenage pregnancy, drug addiction, abortion, car accidents, and illness both physical and mental will disappear forever.  Its the perfect solution.  Not only will we finally be able to live safe without fear of criminals, but we'll have a healthy, intelligent, pure, wise, and loving society.

And then we'll finally have peace and quiet.

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*Source:  NationMaster.com, a website that gathers national statistics from a vast range of topics, such as crime, military, agriculture, etc.  They claim to be using data gathered from the UN, CIA, and OCED.  Clearly none of those numbers above can honestly be considered an exact fact, but I have every reason to believe they are as accurate as you're going to find.