Bleach Recaps: Ep. 210, Auxahra

This is where the job gets difficult.  Last Saturday's "Bleach"... happened.  It was all in all probably the least interesting episode of the show in awhile, proving to be completely infertile for me in terms of jokes or sarcastic comments.  I spent about an hour yesterday trying to come up with a name for this post, and failing.  Then I went to see "Green Lantern", what probably will turn out to be the worst movie I'll see all year, and suddenly recaping "Bleach" was at the very bottom of my priority list.  So I'll just get this recap out of the way and move to reviewing something more inspiring.

Last week Captain 69 and the rest of his Boy Band got attacked by some kind even force that looked something like Tosen's Bankai.  This week we see Captain Yamamoto be a dick, and then send out every single person who will be a future Visored in an extremely transparent plot-twist that is guaranteed to turn them into Visoreds.  Also we learn that Tessai, Urahara's assistant/male prostitute was formally a vampire.  I really could not make this shit up if I tried.

So the episode starts with Soul Society-wide alert.  Squad 9's Spiritual Pressure has disappeared.  Apparently the Gotei 13 could sense this kind of thing back 101 years ago - a trick that might have been useful back when Aizen was fake-murdered in Season 2.  Urahara immediately regrets sending Hiyori, because it turns out that the threat is actually serious.  They were having a weird kind of romantic moment last episode, and I can't decide if that's pedophilia or not.  I mean, Hiyori is treated like an adult, but she has the body of a nine-year-old.  And the maturity of a six-year-old.  Well, Urahara is right to be afraid because Hiyori is attacked by something with red eyes.

Captains' Meeting time!  These are always the highlights of our "Bleach" experience, aren't they?  Ironically enough, Aizen's first scheme is turning out to be his most effective ever, because he's actually managed to defeat a Captain.  So the Soul Society is freaking out, and Yamamoto is furious that he had to miss basket-weaving time at the Old Folks' home for this crisis.  Five Captains are to be chosen to take out whatever monster is out there.  Urahara immediate volunteers to save Hiyori, but guess what?  Yamamoto won't let him.  Why is this old guy always getting in the way every damn season?  Does he get joy out of being a Load that the real heroes have to overcome?

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZ"

Yoriuchi tries to explain.  If Urahara goes to save Hiyori, he's insulting her.  Because her honor depends on getting killed?  What?  I can see that Hiyori won't like that her Captain doubts her abilities, but then again, this is a monster that wiped out a Squad.  Who cares about her fucking honor?  And in purely practical terms, her strength would be completely wasted in a suicide mission she can never possibly complete.  Then there's the whole thing of SAVING HER GODDAMN LIFE.  Let Urahara go, who cares?  Thank God that Urahara refuses to accept this crap.

Yamamoto now gives his orders:  Bushido Brown, Rose, and Shinji are to take out the monster.  And if you aren't paying attention, those are the three Captains who will become Visored.  Yamamoto picks the Captains basically at random too, only serving the plot purpose of making them monsters.  Oh, but before we can cut to the action, the plot suddenly remembers they need to get that fat pink-haired Visored into the show.  So here he is now...

...with his boss, Supervillain Tessai.

Tessai??  What's with that collar?  My God!  He can do something other than teabag Ichigo.  Apparently he's some Soul Society big wig, head of something called the "Kido Corps".  Oh, "Bleach" don't tell me what the Kido Corps is.  I can figure that out on my own, yeah.  I'm totally not completely confused at this moment.  I know exactly what the Kido Corpse do, and why it demands that Tessai dress up like Fu Manchu.  Well, its decided that sending the Captain and Lieutenant of the Kido Corps is too dangerous, so they only send the fat guy with pink hair.  I think Grand Wizard Tessai might be able to handle things, that collar can't only be for show.  With a collar like that you have to at least be able to turn men into SUVs and set fire to all of Nebraska.  Also, Lisa needs to become a Visored, so Captain Shunsui sends her.

Well... that meeting only took... half an episode.  Great television huh?  After the commercial break, something interesting actually happens.

Hiyori is running away from the thing that's attacking her.  Shinji jumps in, and we find out what the enemy is:

How 69 goes wrong

We now cut to Urahara looking concerned.  Some scientist girl with a metal chain in her hair(??) goes home, and Urahara is distracted.  For the first time all season, I think he's actually sober.  Weird.

Back to Hollow-69, things aren't going well.  Bushido Brown is blasted by a megaton punch, losing half of his clothing.  Then everybody else jumps in to fight.  Curiously enough, its an air battle, proving that you can indeed fly in the Soul Society.  I though that the only rule governing whether the characters could fly in "Bleach" was whether they were in the Soul Society or not, since they've never flown there until now.  On Earth, they fly all they want, and in Hueco Mundo they fly... sometimes.  (Yoirichi actually needed a special device to fly years ago.)  But here they are, flying around in classic "Dragonball Z" style.  Anybody have any ideas here?

Well, things get even worse, because it turns out that Old Mr. 69 was not the only one to turn into a Hollow:

Hollow Mashiro is significantly less wacky.

(Odd Thought:  what if the alien-guy from last episode had turned into a Hollow?  He was already wearing a mask, how could they have represented that?  I assume he's dead with the rest of Mr. 69's backup dancers.)

The Mashiro entry makes the lone awesome moment in this episode.  I like Mashiro's mask and spinning kick style.  So far they've been doing a good job this season of throwing fifty characters I barely know into a huge dramatic scene, now they relish in it.  I barely know Shinji, I know Hiyori okay, but I have no idea what Rose or Bushido Brown or Lisa can do.  For some reason nobody is using their Bankais, so the battle is left without conclusion.  Pink-haired fatass manages to use some magic, but it doesn't work.  Whatever.

Meanwhile, Urahara has decided that he's not going to listen to Yamamoto.  But his solution to the problem is unique, I must say:

He's become the 15th member of Organization XIII!

I'm not joking when I say that he's wearing an Organization Robe from "Kingdom Hearts" either.  Apparently it can hide Spiritual Pressure... which is exactly what it does in "Kingdom Hearts".  What would his Nobody name be, by the way?  "Auxahra"?  That's the best I can come up with.

Well, Tessai confronts him about not following Yamamoto's insane orders.  Then he joins with him.  So that happens.  I assume that we'll soon learn why they quit the Soul Society, and the answer probably won't be Yamamoto's mad John Bircher Society rantings.

So that was this week.  I recapped it.  Here's to next week, when hopefully I'll have more to work with.

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* Obviously "Transformers 3" will be the Worst Movie of the Year.  Don't expect a review though.  There is no way on Earth that I will see that... thing.  In theatres or otherwise, I will not.  There is no film series in existence that's as bad as Transformers.  Its a representation of everything wrong with filmmaking, everything wrong with popular culture, and everything wrong with the human animal in general.  I refuse to watch any more!  The first one sucked, the sequel sucked more, and they'll find a way to make the third one even worse.  I can't even laugh at the incompetence, these movies are so bad.  The ONLY way I'll even RENT that movie is if I get a petition from twenty different people asking nicely for it.  Otherwise, NEVER!  NEVER!!!!!!!!!