Sunday, August 14, 2011

Another Earth

So this review is going to be quick right now.  "Another Earth" is a movie that is the biggest lie since the Donation of Constantine.  It promised to be a SciFi film with an interesting premise:  what if there was another Earth in the sky where another you lived?  Well, the movie then goes out of its way to completely ignore the implications of that idea, and instead is a lame pretentious Indie movie.  Here's a tip, film-makers, if you're going to make a movie called "Another Earth", have at least one SECOND of your movie take place on Another Earth!!  This isn't a SciFi movie, its a boring drama that just happens to take place in the same universe where a SciFi movie might be taking place.

The real plot is about some chick who looks like Lightning from "Final Fantasy XIII" sitting around looking dreary and not talking for a long time.  She ran over some ugly dude's family a few years ago, so now she's depressed and gets naked in the snow at one point in a repulsive soup of over-thought symbolism.  So Lightning goes over to the dude's house, tries to apologize, but since she's a loser, she chickens out and instead becomes his maid.  Then they fall in love.  At this point I considered fleeing the movie theatre, but stuck with it because at least the television and radio reports in the background are talking about Earth 2.  Lightning finally wins a trip to Another Earth, has a Golden Ticket... but then has to tell the dude that she killed his family, and they're all sad.  Then she gives him the ticket, and WE NEVER GET TO EARTH 2!!  The movie ends just as the concept gets interesting, just when Lightning is visited by her doppelganger.  Lightning stares at Lightning, and... movie over.  Do they make-out?  Do they touch and cause the universe to implode upon itself like at the end of "Southland Tales"?  You'll never know, because the horrible filmmakers of this horrible movie don't care about that, they care about the boring shit.  All the Earth 2 business is some kind of complex arty symbolism that I really don't feel like unraveling.

So exactly at the moment that "Another Earth" stops being a boring as fuck drama movie and becomes the movie I wanted to see from the beginning, it ends.  So if you never heard of "Another Earth", that's good, because you don't want to see it.  Its a lie.  Its a fraud.  Its a rip-off.  Critics have praised this movie for being a SciFi movie without aliens and laser guns, but I wanted the laser guns!  This is the least fun movie ever made, the exact kind of slow overwrought piece of shit movie that people only pretend to like to make themselves seem more sophisticated.

I really need to read reviews before seeing movies, don't I?


  1. might be my brain being tired and stupid but isn't there another movie like this by lars von trier with a planet coming towards earth?

  2. @Ham: Yeah there is. But my policy with Lars von Trier movies are as follows "Lars von Trier can go fuck himself, and I'd rather have sex with Charlotte from Bleach than see any of his films." If I thought Another Earth was stupid and artsy, whatever he made has to be a million times worse.