Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 218, Captain Buzzkill and the Letdowns

Alright, for a second I considered actually ending the "Bleach" recaps.  This show has gotten really terrible and boring really really fast, almost stunningly so.  Honestly, I don't think I have much more of this show left in me, I think I'll continue until Ichigo beat Ulquiorra and end it there.  So why am I continuing at all?  Well, one guy complained in the comments, and I feel bad.  If he had said "where is Bleach?" I might not have even considered going ahead.  But his complaint was such a silly demand, almost childish.  It was just "BLEACH.".  One word.  More of a heckle than an intelligent comment, but it spoke to me.  If honestly nobody cares to see these any more, please tell me.  This is turning into way more of a job than it should be, which is why you might see more of my schedule falling to pieces like it did this week.

Okay, as I mentioned, "Bleach" has gotten painfully boring.  "Bleach" 218 is just the most boring thing I can possibly imagine, to the point that I wish that we were back in the Amagai Arc.  Yeah, I know I say a lot that I like the fighting scenes, but this fighting scene is so utterly pointless.  Its between Kira, a character I don't like, and an Arrancar we met only two episodes ago.  He's nobody!  What is the point of this crap?  The Arrancar guy has no backstory, not all that much character, not a particularly interesting way of fighting, and ultimately, no purpose at all other than to give Kira an episode in which to do something.  And why would I want to watch a Kira episode?  Why would anybody?  Are there Kira fans out there?  Seriously, are there?  I can see them now, a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls writing furious death threats to Tite Kubo because Kira didn't get enough to do in the Aizen battle.  I can see it now:

"Tokyo News Special Report:  Famous manga author Tite Kubo was murdered today by a deranged fan dressed as a Soul Reaper.  The fan reportedly killed the author because his favorite character did not get to fight a minor disposable red shirt character in one the show's arcs.  Kubo is survived by his wife, a pair of fashionable sunglasses."

Actually, that sounds like something I'd want to see.

I can't believe this, but for once in my life, the recaps at the start of this episode are actually useful!  I get to see that the Gay Soul Reaper killed the Gay Arrancar.  Unfortunately, that's not actually the end of the battle, because they have to explain what the heck happened in the brier patch in the sky.  I'll just skip this because I hate Charlotte.  There's something about Yumichika's sword not liking the color lavender(??) or something, Yamichika is apparently in the closet about being able to use magic, and Charlotte is dead forever.  Moving on.

Next up Cueball fights Chief.  Cueball is really into it but Chief just looks bored as Hell.  Then the Indian Arrancar won't tell Cueball his name.  Oh great, its Byakuya vs. Shaq all over again... a battle I'd rather not remember, come to think of it.  This is boring:

This guy is so bored he's checking out his nails... 
How am I supposed to care?

Its at this point that I discover that the online video I've been watching these videos on has some kind of time limit.  Oh wow, I only watched for ten minutes, that's some bullshit.  Oh well, onto a totally different video company.  Remind me not to use them again.  Its almost as if the universe itself is conspiring to stop me from watching these videos.

Meanwhile, Mr. 69 is still fighting Zechs Marquise.  Only Zechs' mask can break, which makes him more powerful.  I'm sure we'll get into more of this next week or the week after.

Now for the real point of this episode:  Kira is fighting that guy who shouts a lot.  I don't know when, but the shouting guy suddenly evolved into this:

Apparently Quetzacoatl's wings are "wings of steel, heavier than boulders!"  Somehow I don't think this is as much a positive as Shouting Guy thinks it is.  I mean, how the Hell are you supposed to fly with wings that heavy?  Isn't lightness good for flight?  And what do you need wings for anyway in "Bleach"?   People just fly anyway because, as Bugs Bunny would say "this might break the Law of Gravity, but we never studied law".  Also, Quetzal can shoot out feathers like bullets, because... magic, that's why.  Kira reacts:

"WHEEE!!  My sword is a propeller!  Wheee!"

Honestly, the best part of this episode is watching the bag guy's beak open and close every time he talks.  Its such a silly effect, it looks like he's a giant puppet.  Also, Quetzal's eyes are so tiny and human, its weird.  Clearly the entire bird face is some kind of bizarre mask, and it looks terrible.  So because I don't give a shit about Kira and the bad guy is so generic and boring, I will officially check out of this episode and cease to care.  Here, I'll take this tie off, put my feet up, and start listening to some music.  ELO anybody?  Anybody want a beer?

Kira runs and hides inside a building, and then Harvey Birdman decides to sit and wait for him to come out.  Clearly the authors have completely forgotten why these two characters are fighting.  Foghorn Leghorn was supposed to be destroying one of the four towers that are creating the Fake Karakura Town.  So if Kira is hiding like a baby, Hawkman can easily just destroy the tower and go home and eat crackers or whatever birds do.  But he totally forgot about the mission, because he's an idiot, and so he's trying to kill Kira.  Also, Aizen, who is also an idiot, forgot to tell his army what the superpowers of the Soul Reapers are.  If Toucan Sam had known that Kira's sword can double weight, he wouldn't have ended up like this:


Now Kira gets to tell us for what has to be the fifth time now that his sword doubles the weight of anything it cuts.  But he isn't done talking yet.  No no no, Kira has to make the most emo speech in the history of emo.  "Battles are such sad places, killing is wrong, I hate myself, my sword's name means 'I'm Sorry', I like to cut my arms, I listen to 'Pumped Up Kicks' fifteen times a day, I can't get a date because my haircut is stupid, Mom won't let me stay out after eleven, blah blah blah blah blah."  Allow me to speak for everybody by telling Kira to politely:  SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Hawkgirl tries to fly again, and totally fails.  Then Kira cuts his head off.  Holy damn!  That's so violent!  Charlotte only faded away, but Shouting Guy got fucking murdered.  FATALITY.

Then just when I think Kira might not be so bad... he says this:  "No matter what, never forgive me."  Oh shut up!  You goddamn whiny piece of shit.  I watch this show to see cool stuff like people kicking ass, don't give me any crap about how violence is wrong.  If you're feeling guilty, you're on the wrong show.  Go home and post your lame poetry on Facebook, but leave me and the rest of the audience out of it, Kira.  You slew evil, enjoy it, like Kenny does.  Where is Kenny?  I need him now more than ever.

You know what, on that subject of not being whiny, I'm going to buck up myself.  Enough complaining!  I got this "Bleach" monster to deal with.  And I'll deal with it.  We're doing this thing, that's it.  Here's to next week.


  1. Meh, I never really cared for these from the start. Why don't you do something you really enjoy, like... Eva! Why don't you do Evangelion recaps. Or maybe something good that's airing now. What about that Durararararararaaaaa whatsit. That looks pretty interesting.

  2. I am such and immature asshole for posting that comment, which I only did because I was bored because I don't have Bleach; Soul Resurreccion yet because my dad didn't preorder it even I asked him to right when I discovered it's be getting an international release DADWHYTHEFUCKDIDN'TYOUPREORDERITYOUFAG?!?!

    Also, if Bleach is boring you so severely now, I could take over the recaps. My blog needs a reason to have viewers.

  3. I'm way ahead of you, Blue. I gave up on this show at least a month ago. These recaps are the only contact I've had with it since then.

  4. No Blue! Don't give up on Bleach! There's always a Silver Lining within the cloud!
    I've always enjoyed these recaps because this show is so stupid, it's easy to mock and you're the best at mocking it!
    Don't give up!!!! D:

  5. Please don't stop doing these! D: After a depressing day at school, I love coming home to your blog. It just makes my day!

    @Tequila: Blue reviewing Durarara... That sounds interesting...

  6. If it's getting boring, quit. The point of the Bleach recaps were to do something silly and fun, but if the show's not being silly and fun, then you can't really work with it, can you?

    I would like to see some other feature take its place though, hopefully one that's silly enough to keep you and us entertained. If you're taking requests, I'd like to see a meditation on "the deep mysteries of Eva."

  7. Actually I'm not going to quit. For episodes that are dull, I simply don't need to spend as much time recapping. As a matter of fact, this is the only thing that even makes Bleach watchable anymore: finding out how to twist the thing around into the wackiest way imagination. I just need to get weirder, that's the only solution.