Friday, August 19, 2011

Machine Gun Preacher Trailer

What do you get when you try to make a stirring religious movie to appeal to the Evangelicals by showing how White Men can still save the world, and instead end up with a movie that looks like the newest feature in the "Grindhouse" series?  "Machine Gun Preacher", that's what.

I'm not entirely sure how Hollywood could have made this mistake.  You wanted to show Red Staters a movie where Christian moral values and geterdone toughness can solve all of the world's problems, and instead made something that I'm actually 50% sure that I want to see.  Why do I want to see it?  Because its called "Machine Gun Preacher"!  If the main character doesn't fight with a massive canon in the shape of a cross like on "Trigun", I will feel profoundly ripped-off.

Yeah, I guess somewhere in this trailer there's some kind of plotline about building an orphanage and the main character finding himself and making a difference.  But there's a also trailer where Gerard Butler probably single-handedly destroys the entire Sudanese military.  All it needs are some proper 80s action movie lines like "Jesus forgives... I don't" and "The Lord said, let there be DIE!!!".  Gerard Butler totally needs two pistols on each hip named "Fire" and "Brimstone".  And that outfit is way too civilian, he needs to dress up in full black robes and get a big ass preacher hat.  Also, Sudan is a nasty place and I'm sure its military isn't staffed with nice people, but couldn't they have found a way to have Gerard Butler fight some Satan-worshiping vampires?

Sadly, I think this movie is only half a self-parody.  They need to go all the way with this concept.  Gerard Butler needs to crucify at least one person, and he needs to beat somebody to death with a King James Bible.  It is necessary.  Because that's what a movie called "Machine Gun Preacher" promises, and I don't think this particular film is going to deliver.  Too bad.

"I kick ass for the lord."

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