Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Ghost Rider 2 Trailer

2007's "Ghost Rider" was an especially poignant moment in the history of film.  ...Actually no, it wasn't.  "Ghost Rider" actually is one of the very few movies that caused me to actively wonder if I had seen it.  As a matter of fact, "Ghost Rider" is the only movie that I've managed to forget about.  Words written in concrete fade faster than my encyclopedic memory of every movie I have witnessed.  From "Pig Hunt" to "Swimming With Sharks" to "Blade Runner", I got it all.  I forget nothing.  Yet Nicholas Cage's painfully generic superhero movie forced me to look it up before I could remember it.  Not even "Daredevil" did that to me.  Not even the Thomas Jane "Punisher" movie.  Not even Thomas Jane remembers that movie, and I do!  But "Daredevil" defeated the master, it was just that mediocre, that mundane, that utterly without positives and serious negatives, that it lost me.

You know how dull and forgettable "Ghost Rider" is?  I forget the title of the movie while writing this very post!  So here's a trailer, let's see if it can make an impact:


Okay, so we open with two guys who claim to be co-directors.  I believe the bald guy on the left might actually be a director, but the guy on the right... no way.  That guy is so redneck that he must be physically incapable of making any movie that doesn't include the words "Dale Earnhardt" or "Dale Earnhardt Jr." in the title.  Also, can these guys possibly have their tongues in their cheek any further?  I get the sense that the co-directors are about to burst into hysterical laughter at any time.  "No, we're shitting you, Internet!  You fell for it!  Ghost Rider 2, that's the oldest one in the book."  Now given assurance that this movie is in the sturdy directorial hands of these two, the trailer can begin.

Well, I'll be, its actually the sequel to "Drive Angry Shot in 3D".  How shocking.  Since "Drive Angry" was seen by all of four people (myself included), I assumed its box office gross alone would kill any incentive to make a sequel.  Sadly there's no William Fincher, no Amber Heard, and no Bella's Dad.  I can forgive the lack of Bella's Dad, he was erased from existence by the end of "Drive Angry", but the others, no way.  And I don't see a single Dodge Charger, what a travesty!  Maybe for some silly comic book fans seeing a dude with a burning skull is cool enough, but as for me, any Charger, even the most beat-up, monstrously modified, and rusted Charger would get my blood pumping faster than this hero.

Sadly the damage has been done with "Ghost Rider 1".  No matter how cool this trailer tries to be, seeing the Superhero makes me yawn.  Ghost Rider would have to kill dudes while having sex with a bimbo while drinking a Jack Daniels in order to redeem himself.  Guess what?  That's not going to happen here.  Yeah, I hear the directors are promising a "hard PG-13" (whatever that means) but with a movie trying to be "Drive Angry 2", you go R or you go home.  This is a world where "The King's Speech" got an R-rating because the main character said "fuck" a lot in one scene, clearly PG-13 is the rating for pussies.  Do you really want your gritty Nicholas Cage action movie to be more family friendly than "The King's Speech"?  Not really.

What's really going to divide the universe on this one is the final scene of this trailer.  A kid, for no particular reason, asks Nic Cage what happens when he has to piss when he's on fire.  Now let's ignore how contrived that question is for now, and get to answer:  Ghost Rider's penis doubles as a flame thrower.  No wonder Eva Mendez's character didn't come back!  Now, there are two kinds of people in this world.  There are the people who immediately say "this movie is stupid".  And there are the people who say "AWESOME, I WANTS ME FIRE PENIS".  I am the of the first group.  As for you fire dick fans, this is your movie, I guess.

As for me, I'll just rent "Drive Angry" again.

3 comments:

  1. No. No. NononononononononnoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! :(

    You know I was with it until Nicholas pulled out his cock. Gross. Plus if he's a skeleton when he's Ghost Rider, how in the hell can he pee? He's a skeleton he has no penis! Wait what am I saying? I'm useing my brian again. I really need to learn how to turn that thing off.

    -The 1 & only Uzuki

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