Naturally of course, both of the movie theatres I went to see "Drive Angry" in were completely empty. "Both" is a word you should note. No, I didn't see "Drive Angry" twice, though I totally would if given the chance. What happened was perhaps the single most tragic series of events I have ever experienced in my filmgoing lifetime. So yesterday I go to the local, somewhat crappy movie theatre to see "Drive Angry", alone of course*. The movie is twenty minutes late, something I didn't mind so much since it gave me some more quality time with "Tactics Ogre". But finally I had to complain to the clueless-looking fat kid behind the concessions counter. Then finally the credits start. After seeing underwhelming trailers for "Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Monotonous Isn't It?" and "Marvel Superhero Movie #567", "Drive Angry" begins. Everything is awesome right until thirty seconds pass, and the movie goes blank. So then I complain again to the clueless looking fat kid, before finally a clueless looking nerd walks in, apologizes to me and the redneck, then gives me a couple free passes to see any movie ever. Then after sneaking into the last thirty minutes of "The Adjustment Bureau"**, I went to a different threatre for my awesome car movie.
And was it worth it? HELL YEAH.
"Drive Angry Shot in 3D" is directed by Patrick Lussier, the man who has directed such Academy Award nominated films as "White Noise 2", "Dracula 2000", "Dracula 2000 - 2", and "Dracula 2000 - 3". Last year he stepped into the 3D realm by remaking "My Bloody Valentine". This... is not a good record. And worse, "Drive Angry" stars Nicholas "How'd it get it Burned??" Cage, a guy who appears in a new movie roughly every forty-eight seconds, none of them any good. Every since "Ghost Rider" I've made a promise with myself to never see a new Nicholas Cage movie ever again - he's just that bad. "Moonstruck" and "Con Air" can only get you so far, Mr. Cage. (I did break my promise to see "Kick-Ass" recently, and I immediately decided that making that promise was a really good idea.) But I had a good feeling about "Drive Angry" despite these misgivings. Can I call them or what?
Nicholas Cage plays basically himself with a greasy blond wig. He has broken out of Hell, which actually is a giant underground prison in a rather interesting theological interpretation. Of course, he broke out riding a Buick Riviera, and took with him a magic gun called the Godkiller, a weapon that can eradicate a person's eternal soul. So your hero is a zombie Nic Cage, running around the American South with a variety of beautiful American muscle cars, on a roaring rampage of revenge. You see, a devil-worshiping cult led by Bella's Dad from "Twilight" has killed his daughter, kidnapped his granddaughter, and now want to sacrifice her to Satan on the full moon. I gotta say, Bella's Dad is looking good now that he moved his mustache to below his lips for a soul patch and started dressing like a country western star. He was the best part of those movies, after all.
Along the way, Nicholas Cage runs into the gorgeous Amber Heard, a leggy spitfire with a Dodge Charger***. Her purpose in this movie is to be ridiculously pretty, wear daisy dukes, and occasionally beat the shit out of cult members when they kidnap her. Early on she catches her boyfriend in bed with another woman, so she throws her outside naked onto the curb, and then starts punching her boyfriend in the face. When the cult members kidnap her, she basically beats them all up then escapes. Not bad for a girl who failed utterly in her Star in a Reasonably Priced Car appearance on "Top Gear".
The other major figure and easily the most best character in this movie is the Accountant, played by William Fincher, best known for being that crazy banker who pulls out a shutgun at the beginning of "The Dark Knight". The Accountant is an agent of Hell here to drag Nicholas Cage back into prison. At first he doesn't entirely seem comfortable in his own skin, and has odd verbal ticks talking to the humans. Later on, he starts rocking out to "That's the Way I Like It" while driving a hydrogen truck into a police barricade. He also has a magic dime which he can flip up and turn into basically anything usually an FBI badge, or he can fling it to rip through people's heads. By the end of the movie the Accountant basically joins Nicholas Cage's side because he finds Bella's Dad to be truly evil. You see, Satan and the demons are just doing a job, Satan in fact is "quiet and well-read". Bella's Dad is the real evil here. The Accountant really does steal the show at a few points, I hope he gets his own TV show one day.
But anyway, "Drive Angry" is a movie mostly about fast cars, gunfights, guitar rifts, and guns fights on fast cars with a soundtrack that is mostly guitar rifts. At one point during the movie, Nicholas Cage has sex with a woman fully clothed with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, a gun in the other, and a cigar in this mouth. When cultists rush in to kill him, he keeps on humping her, and just picks her up and moves her left and right for him to kill them all. Of course, he isn't that dexterous, Amber Heard does have to save him at one point. As for the woman, well she completely loses her mind thanks to the sheer levels of macho insanity. If that scene sounds like the most stupid thing you have ever heard, you won't like "Drive Angry", if you're thinking of trying that out with your girlfriend tonight, you'll love this movie. Its B-movie schlock and its awesome!
As for the 3D part of "Drive Angry Shot in 3D" is one of the best parts. Throughout the movie various things like bullets, baseball bats, and other cheesy effects are thrown at the camera, making you dodge in your seat. Its a silly trick that's goes back all the way to "Jaws 3D" and probably beyond, but it makes for a great effect. This movie is basically a theme park ride with tits, so why not have fun with it? Another cool feature with the 3D is actually surprisingly arty for a movie where Nicholas Cage drinks beer out of a dead man's skull. They superimpose flashbacks over the scene, while placing the flashback "in front". That was good right there. If this were any other movie, people might consider that a great advancement in cinema.
"Drive Angry" is a movie that is exactly what it advertises. It isn't much more than pure entertainment and it isn't trying to be. Its funny, got tons of awesome moments, but really only has one flaw: its starring Nicholas Cage. Cage doesn't bring anything more than a one-note badass to the hero, so obviously it should go to a bald man who is less in denial. Yes, I'm saying that "Drive Angry" should have starred Jason Statham. Otherwise its easily the best movie so far of 2011.
Unless you're a girl, in which case this is probably the worst movie you've ever seen. Oh well.
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* Well there was another guy in the first theatre, but he was a scummy redneck wearing a Confederate flag, something I didn't know we had in New Jersey. The second time I saw the movie I actually was alone, which is creepy to say the least. Then I got that "please don't talk during the movie" message, which was pretty stupid since I was all alone. Naturally my response was a loud screaming "BRING IT ON!!!!!!" By the way, I don't know if my single ticket even covered the electricity cost of running a movie screen for an hour and forty-five minutes.
** How about a lightning fast review of what I saw in "The Adjustment Bureau" while I'm here? I learned that if you wear a fedora and you turn a doorknob to the left, you can teleport to a random door in New York City. Keep on eye out for the one that gets you into Yankee Stadium. If you act like a crazy person at your ex-girlfriend's wedding day she'll elope with you on a magical adventure. Also God's plan for the universe can be completely rewritten if you just really really love somebody hard enough... which I know for a fact does not work in real life. So don't see this one, its a very stupid movie with an utterly awful ending that might warm up your date and get you to second base, but is just utter crap through any other lens of thought. It is not "Inception" by any standard.
*** I'd ask her to marry me, but she's a lesbian so I don't think it would work.
...Oh screw it: Amber Heard, will you marry me?
End Game first, then this person? What's with you and asking lesbians to merry you? XD
ReplyDeleteDoes that even need answering! XD
ReplyDeleteGod this looks stupid, in a good way!
Oh c'mon, My Bloody Valentine wasn't so bad. It was just a cheesy movie with a badass villain, cool kills, and lots of blood and tits, and it did that well
ReplyDeleteXYZ
Sounds like a fun movie. Ridiculously stupid, and yet we need movies like this.
ReplyDelete