Bleach Recaps: Ep. 197, Let's Green Egg and Ham It

Laptop is back!  Yay!  Now my creative juices are flowing at full spirit now that I know that random people can't see me watch shows where large Black men dress up like toddlers.  Instead it will be my closest friends and roommate.

Last week "Bleach" inaugurated a new round of battles:  Kenpachi vs. Spoony, Byakuya vs. Shaq, and Dr. Insano's ridiculous new look vs. the audience.  Things are generally looking up for this show, I have to say.  As long as their's brainless repetitive anime swordplay, "Bleach" will still have one viewer in me.  This Sunday's* episode was entirely about the battle between the prettiest man in the Soul Society vs. a dude with spikes on his head.  And amazingly at the end, the fight almost seems concluded.  Finishing a fight in under three episodes?  This can't be "Bleach" I'm watching now, right?

So after a hideously long recap of last week's events, we return to the action.  Byakuya and Zommari are still arguing over which one of them is arrogant.  All Shaq seems to want is to be treated as an equal, and maybe get enough respect to at least get pretty-boy's name.  But Byakuya, showing a really nasty side that I doubt his fangirls will enjoy, refuses to accept Shaq as an equal.  Shaq is like "I'm an Esapda, you're a Captain, come on dude, we can at least not be dicks."  Then Byakuya is like "You're a lesser species, I don't want nothing to do with you."  I know Japan is a highly racially homogeneous country - the worst ethnic problem they have there is some angry Korean immigrants - but to a Western eye, I see a light-skinned man telling a Black man that he does not count.  Not cool, "Bleach", not cool.  I mean, yeah, the show is talking about the difference between Hollows and Soul Reapers**, but its easy enough to see some really deep problems here.

Meanwhile an old friend returns to the spotlight:

HANTARO!!!  ^_^

We haven't seen this guy for like 100 episodes.  Last time Hantaro showed up, he was working in a 7/11 with Ganju, a character who then proved that the Earth is flat by falling right off the face of it.  I figured that Hanataro had simply fallen with Ganju, and would spend the rest of his days hanging with other forgotten characters like Grimmjow.  I mostly like Hanataro because he's a comic relief that doesn't altogether suck, and because he's voiced by Spike Spencer, who also famously voiced Shinji Ikari in "Neon Genesis Evangelion".  Hanataro is basically Shinji with longer hair, and without completely unrealistic expectations of being a hero.  Shinji never should have been a warrior, being a support healer is definitely a better fit for him - he doesn't completely lose his damn mind as often this way.  Sadly Shinji was left behind by Byakuya, and now he's trying to find his way there.  Poor Hanataro.

Back with the battle, Zommari has given up on his Shaq Fu and instead is going to try breaking his spine:

"Oh dear, I've really messed myself up here, is there a doctor in the house?"

This actually is the start of Shaq's final evolution.  He has become... KAZAAM!!

"Hang on!  I'm I'm contagious, outrageous, spontaneous!
  You can't contain this. I am KAZAAM!"

It was at this point in the episode that I started laughing hysterically for awhile.  A really long while.  Eventually I had to be rushed to the hospital and put into a chemically induced coma in order for me to regain sanity.  This is the funniest shit I have ever seen.  This costume is so absolutely beyond horrible in every standard of aesthetics that it is a thing of legend.  Something this hilarious can only mean that either I've completely lost my mind or the End Times have come.  But who would have though that the Rapture actually would have been a giant pink pillow with crudely-drawn cyclops drawn on them.  I don't know what kind of drug Tite Kubo is on, but I want to try it.  This is late career Philip K. Dick-levels of mind fuck here.

The only reason that Byakuya doesn't laugh is because he is completely unable to feel any emotions beyond his own obsession with his own prettiness.  To not react either with manic giggles or utter horror at Shaq's new costume is to prove yourself to be a robot, a reptilian thing far less than man.  

What is the new power that Shaq has?  Its called amor (love) for no fathomable reason.  Well, if one of the billion or so eyes on his costume "see" something, they can instantly take control of it.  So Zommari takes a look at Byakuya's leg, and then the leg is his.  So why not just take control of Byakuya's head and end the battle immediately?  Well, Shaq isn't very bright, despite getting massively lucky at the Superpower Lottery.  So he's about to lose.  Byakuya is seriously hard core as well, not flinching at all at cutting the tendons in his leg so that KAZAAM can't move them.  His leg isn't pretty, so he can sacrifice it.  Then Shaq prepares to take control of Rukia, but Byakuya jumps in front first, losing his hand.  Again, Byakuya cuts the hand.

Sadly Shaq's magical KAZAAM powers mean that basically no real fighting is going to happen tonight.

Hanataro walks in at really the worst time as well, being completely unable to face something as powerful as the mighty Shaq Fu.  So he tries to drag Rukia's half-dead body away, only to run into a serious problem.  While Byakuya and Shaq are talking endlessly about which one is superior, turns out that Rukia was taken control of, and well, tragedy ensues:

HANATARO!!! ;_;

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  Hanataro finally comes back after like four years, only to be cut down by the girl he has a one-sided crush on!

At this point Zommari points that if he takes the head, he controls the entire body.  Thanks dude, I figured that out like ten minutes ago.  On the other hand, Shaq's endless monologuing is giving me some appreciation for his voice.  Its nice.  From now on, I'd like for you to pretend that I'm speaking with Zommari's voice.  I could never hope to be so deep and smooth.

Anyway, Byakuya easily stops Zombie-Rukia's rampage by trapping her with some magic.  Shaq really freaks out, demanding to know why his puppet won't move, so Byakuya gets enough time to launch his Bankai.  At which point Shaq really is screwed.  But first, he gets baked:

"Whoa, pink sparkles, far-out, man..."

Shaq is far too stoned to actually do something about Byakuya's Finishing Move.  For whatever reason, he tries to take control of Byakuya's attack, which is stupid since there are millions of those flower petals.  Just use your Shaq Fu, teleport away!  Or fight back with your sword.  Did transforming into a giant throw-pillow remove every fighting ability you had?  So Byakuya blasts the moron, and the place explodes.

THE END.

Well, Hanataro came back a bit... only to die horribly.  Its nice to see him at least.  This was an okay episode, I guess, if not for Zommari's unbelievably stupid evolved form.  Espadas usually last longer than that, Shaq really was an idiot.  He could have probably defeated the entire Soul Society using his mind control powers too, he's wasted in a one-on-one fight.  Of course, a tactical genius of Aizen's abilities never could have thought of that, huh?  This week's fight was terrible, hopefully in the next episode we'll get more Kenny.  Here's to next week.

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* The Recap, as I'm sure all you calendar-watchers have noticed, is late, sorry.  Was busy yesterday.

** I really don't know what Byakuya's hatred of Arrancars is based upon.  They are mortal enemies and all, but that's mostly a territorial dispute.  The way Byakuya speaks, you'd think that the Arrancar are fundamentally subhuman somehow.  They are the final evolutions of dark spirits that have devoured millions of other souls, and are prone to evil, but so far I don't see how Arrancars are particularly different than normal people, since they have the capacity to love, feel sadness, regret, and desire to protect others.  I think the final conclusion here is that Byakuya is just a dick.