Bleach Recaps: Ep. 196: Kenpachi Cuts Somebody in Half!

From now I've decided that I hate the regular titles for "Bleach" episodes, so I'm going to add my own.  What I remember most about this episode is Captain Kenny cuts somebody in half in the first two minutes, thus the title change.  The Japanese title is "Joining the Battle! The Strongest Shinigami Army Appears" - which honestly doesn't make any sense because a Shinigami army does not actually appear.  And in AMERICA we call them "Soul Reapers", got it, translators?

So in tonight's episode, after Ichigo's invasion of Heuco Mundo has ultimately turned into well... a complete failure, he is luckily saved at the last minute by reinforcements coming out of basically nowhere.  And who could ask for better reinforcements?  No less than four Captains of the Soul Society and three Lieutenants.  Since one of those Captains is no less than Kenpachi Zarachi, the mad dog who lives and breaths for death itself, I'm pretty sure Ichigo can rest easy while the big boys take care of things.  Or maybe he can't.

You see, Ichigo beat Kenpachi back in the Soul Society arc, and that was two power level jumps ago.  He beat Kenpachi to within an inch of his life before even attaining Bankai.  Now Ichigo, with Bankai plus his Vizard powers can't beat Spoony.  Naturally the power level game should prove that Kenpachi has no chance here, but Kenpachi doesn't exactly play by those rules.  He so insane that in the Soul Society arc he got stabbed in the heart and kept on fighting.  Tosen, now one of Aizen's big dogs, couldn't beat Kenny.  Kenpachi took on two Captains that day, beat one, and probably would have beaten the other.  He's basically an unstoppable monster who is just hilariously out of his mind.  Which is why of course, Kenny is my favorite character.  So let's see him do his thing:

Burton, pissed that Kenny stopped him from making Ichigo pancakes decides to rush Kenpachi.  However, Spoony's cries of "Don't charge, you idiot!" are made worthless when Kenpachi proceeds to cut Burton in half.  Holy.  Shit.

Now I remember why I love this show.

Ichigo demands to know why Kenpachi has shown up, since Head Captain Old Fart had decreed back in 2009 (our time) that the Soul Society would not invade Heuco Mundo to save Orihime.  Kenpachi gives an explanation that he's apart of some top secret stealth strike team or something, I wasn't listening.  But what I did listen to is Kenny kicking Ichigo several yards like a football just because he was getting annoying.  Then Yachiru, Kenny's lovable pink-haired pint-sized sidekick makes sure to pummel Ichigo several times in the face, oddly transforming him back to his Season 1 appearance:

Nostalgia is great, isn't it?

Meanwhile, Granz gets a visitor.  And so does the Cow-Skull Gang.  And then so does Shaq.  Captain Unohana and her sexy lieutenant* talks with the the Cowskulls, hoping to create a peaceful solution for whatever reason.  If you want Captain Mommy to ever actually fight, don't get your hopes up, she never will.  She explains that she's only here to heal the wounded, not fight, so the Cowskulls can go on their merry way.  Then bizarrely... they do??  I have no idea why.  That kinda ends that entire plotpoint there, so I can move on to the other three.  Shaq on the other hand is meeting with Byakuya, the extremely pretty yet-male Captain who happens to be Rukia's older brother.  Since Shaq was just about to stab Rukia in the back while she was done, Byakuya isn't very happy, and so a fight breaks out.  Meanwhile, Granz's visitor is:

"BLING BLING, BITCHES!!!"

Its none other than Captain Insano, who has gotten in touch with the portion of his face that he paints with Black make-up by giving his teeth gold plating.  And then to continue the pimping process, he has added gold all around his face.  Finally, since Insano is not only a gangsta, he's also apparently now the Pharaoh of Egypt, he's added a small false chin-beard and a Nemes headcloth.  So now Mayuri is not only a mad scientist, he's also a gangsta rapper, and an ancient king of a dead empire.  What could I call such a person?  Dokta Ramzeez, of course!  But I like the name "Captain Insano", so I'll stick to it.  And he's brought along his #1 ho, Nemu, who is working dat ass and making him money even while deep in enemy territory.  Granz is massively disturbed to see a character even stranger than he is.  Insano, however, is loving this, laughing like a freak about all the new test subjects he'll have.  Granz is such a dick that I actually welcome whatever horrible things Dokta Ramzeez** is about to do to him.  We get a hint when Mayuri declares "Tell me your name so that when I stuff you into a jar I can write your name on the label."  OWNED.

To answer the Espada's question as to who these Captains are, Byakuya says:  "We are one, we are all your enemies!"  ...That doesn't actually make any sense, but Shaq gets it, apparently, so we'll just move on.

Back with Kenny vs. Spoony, Yachiru is glad to see that her Captain "has that look on his face!"  That means that asses are about to get kicked.  When Kenpachi looks like that, one of you is going to die, and since normal swords won't even cut his skin, I'm guessing it will be you.  Orihime on the other hand is really worried about Ichigo now that he has been kicked like fifty times, which leads to an interesting thought of mine:  Orhime, now that you have downtime, why don't you - you know- heal him??  You're the team White Mage, come on!  Then Spoony declares that "he doesn't have time to play around with you clowns!"

Yo Spoony.  Time we have a talk:  you're wearing a suit shaped like a spoon.  Who is the clown here?  Come on, tell me.

After an extremely long and extremely stupid bit with Dondochakka and Pesche, we return to the fighting.  (I'm sorry to admit that one of their lines made me chuckle - even a broken clock is right twice a day, right?)  Byakuya start their battle of insta-speed jumps.  You see, Shaq's Shaq Fu basically is him moving so fast that it looks like there are two of him.  So he pound Byakuya from both sides:

Of course, Byakuya is too pretty to care

Thus begins a long battle of a lot of jumping around and teleportation which in all honestly isn't very good.  Zommari isn't very talkative and neither is Byakuya.  So they just bounce around while poor unconscious Rukia falls into the pit with Nel and Grimmjow, disappearing from the battlefield without explanation - though she'll find a way out.

Back with Insano and Granz, Mayuri has lasted three seconds before getting eaten and then being made into a doll, a new record!

"Tickle-Me-Mayuri coming to stores near you!"

At this point Insano and Granz haven't actually started fighting, unlike the Spoony and Byakuya, meaning that Granz still makes everything on this show tedious as all Hell.  And they don't start fighting at the end of the episode either, meaning that we'll have to wait until next week.

All in all this is probably the best "Bleach" episode in a really long time, opening up the possibilities of plenty of juicy fighting for plenty of juicy time to come.  The Captains that popped up are probably my three favorite too, I honestly could not ask for more.  Well, I still miss Nel, but who can argue with Kenny?  Nobody, because he'll cut your ass in two.

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* I think Isane is probably the fifth sexiest chick on "Bleach".  Some people don't like her because she's tall.  I ask, what's wrong with tall?  That means that she can put up the Christmas lights come December.  Great perks there.

** Honestly the gangsta rap jokes are coming to an end now because I'm easily the Whitest human being on Earth, so I've been told.  In fact, I've been informed that you can only find Whiter people than me at Bible Camp.  So... yeah.  I had to have a friend look this recap over and remove all the references to hip-hop culture that weren't outdated by the year I was born.

MAKE IT RAIN!