Bleach Recaps: Ep. 195, Pesche's Seriousness

My poor computer is dead, so for the next few weeks I'll have to use the college library for blog updates.  And I gotta say, these ancient Windows XP computers and the sounds of people updating their Facebook profiles is not really the most conductive place for writing.  Also every time I use the computers here for something other than school work, I always feel nervous, like the teacher is going to catch me or something.  High school computer labs have wired me in odd ways.  Considering what I pay for tuition at these lovely institution of higher learning, by all rights I should pay able to watch hard-core anime porn with the volume up to eleven on these things. Personally I think the librarians looks so bored that I think the sounds of some dick girl screaming in Japanese might lighten up their day. Whatever, I gotta recap "Bleach", but if it at all sounds like I'm not feeling it this time, its because of the less than desirable workspace.

Anyway, last night's episode wasn't all that bad, aside from the fact that for once the villains are just plain cheating now.  Are you telling me that Granz was able to deflect an attack just by looking at it?  Kubo, just let this weird freak die already so that story can move!  Also, is it really necessary to have Ichigo be saved twice?  I mean, you pulled Nel's transformation completely out of your ass, so now you have to get rid of her by crapping out some other silly nonsense, and now Ichigo has to be saved by yet another thing getting pulled out.  Man, Kubo, you probably won't be able to sit for a week considering how often you have to reach up inside there.  Off topic: readers, I strongly advise that you invest in Vaseline, because those stocks have been through the roof this week for some reason.

On the other hand, this episode does mark the triumphant glorious return of the greatest character in this series, so can I really complain?

The episode opens with Nel still releasing her Resurrección.  Spoony does his best to stop it, but he's blasted back by the very force of Nel's awesomeness.  At this point readers, I think I've decided that I'm done with Ichigo and would prefer Nel to be the hero of "Bleach" from now on.  So what will Nel transform into?  You probably had a lot of guesses, but if you guessed "a centaur with a double-sided spear", you win!  Thanks for playing, and have a safe trip home.

Still hot.

Spoony, already basically helpless before Nel, is now completely beaten and has absolutely no hope of winning.  Pinned against the rock, Spoony fears for his very life.  Nel says "Relax, I don't intend to kill you".  And kill him she doesn't.  Instead this happens:

No longer hot.

Now a good question to ask now is:  "why did Nel just unevolve like that?"  Well the answer is:  I DON'T KNOW.  I haven't the slightest clue why in the world Nel's power just broke.  Nel doesn't know either "Huh?  Why is Nel small again?"  Not only did she lose her body, but she's also back to referring to herself in the third person, leading to more questions.  I assume that Nel simply ran out of power considering her skull wounds, but who knows if that's right?  For once "Bleach" didn't indulge in a ten minute conversation explaining every little boring detail, meaning that I am completely lost right now.  It hardly seems fair, doesn't it?  There goes my dreams of Nel being the new star...

Spoony doesn't care, and immediately takes control of the situation again.  He captures Orihime, ignoring Nel for some reason (who I fear has disappeared in the same black hole Grimmjow fell into).  Just in case Spoony wasn't evil enough, he starts calling Orihime "pet".  Burton the Robot then transforms into Burton the Ogre and tortures Ichigo for awhile.  Ichigo is far too weak to do anything but scream and scream and scream and scream and Jesus Christ this would be a really crazy awesome final episode, wouldn't it?  It would piss everybody off, but man it would be unexpected.  Probably the single most epic moment in television.

Meanwhile back in the Granz fight, Pesche takes "it" out:

Ho boy, I hope nobody in the library is watching me now, huh?

Granz, despite his sexual orientation (if he's even normal enough to be defined by such things, honestly I dare not imagine where Granz fits on the sexual spectrum), seems more frightened than anyone else at the prospect of Pesche's throbbing black cock.  Turns out that what Pesche is pulling out is actually his sword, Ultima.  Wait a second, how did Pesche, a comic relief, get one of the most awesome swords in the entire Final Fantasy franchise?  The thing even glows with the proper blue color.  However, I don't imagine Pesche has very high HP, so it will be useless in his hands.  He even manages to cut Granz, something nobody has been able to do so far.  You Renji and Uryu fans must be feeling pretty dumb right now, huh?

Just when I think that Pesche might be a bit cool, its joke time.  God no.  During the comic relief section that occurs, Pesche starts calling Uryu "gutless" (get it, he doesn't have a stomach since Granz blew it up?).  You know what Dondomoron and Pesche, its time we stop this.  You're still not funny.  Next thing I know, Pesche is talking about how his thing "throbs" and "is harder than Uryu's" and I think that he might actually rape Uryu or something.  Next thing you know, the entire show crashed because of how stupid this is:

Pesche is so unfunny that "Bleach" is now canceled.  Sorry folks

Enjoy your double helping of "Kekkaishi" next week.

I'll just cut this all short and say that ultimately Pesche and Dondomoron can't do crap against Granz, and all is lost.  They try doing a double cero blast, but sadly they didn't mix their magics with enough spice, so Granz just cuts it in half and goes on being arrogant and fruity despite the collective wills of the entire audience.

 "I feel pretty!"

And meanwhile in the middle of that meanwhile, Rukia's unconscious body is visited by Espada #7, Zommari, from here on nicknamed "Shaq".  Shaq is pissed that poor pill-head, Espada #10, died thanks to his own stupidity, and now plans to kill Rukia while she sleeps.  This of course leads to the great tense moment - not "will he kill Rukia?" - instead, "who will save Rukia?"  And meanwhile in the middle of that meanwhile in the middle of that meanwhile, Chad is attacked by a cow skull dude.  I don't know who he is, but he looks freaky and awesome.  Cow skulls always kinda creeped me out, that's why my parents put one up on my wall when I was a kid.

So far all hope is lost:  Ichigo is getting thrashed by an ogre, Uryu and Renji are getting beaten again by a flaming theatre major, Rukia is about to be murdered by a master of Shaq Fu, and Chad is just screwed as usual.  Who will save us in our time of need?

KENPACHI MOTHERFUCKING ZARAKI, THAT'S WHO!  Captain Kenny* pops out of nowhere to save what little bits of Ichigo are left, and from now on will kick everybody bad guy's ass.  Watch out Aizen, you have a hurricane of pure insanity coming after you.

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* Its occurred to me that if you don't count the filler seasons its been some four years since anybody has seen Kenpachi.  You guys who read only the comics must be dying of Kenny withdrawal here.