Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Bleach Recaps: Ep. 221, In Which Everybody Fights Everybody Else

I'm an alien parasite.  My name is Xxxzious  I live inside Blue Highwind's head.  I was sent to this world to conquer and add its natural resources into our glorious intergalactic empire.  Sadly, I'm about the size of a penny and look the slimy white hard thing you sometimes find a bad Chicken McNugget.  I did try to conquer a litter box in Milwaukee a few years ago.  Let me tell you:  cat pee hurts.  I never was cut out for this "galaxy-conquering" stuff.  I wanted to be a dentist.  Since that time, I managed to sneak inside this college-age kid's head, and now spend my days sitting behind his eyeballs while he watches these fucking terrible shows form Japan.  My tentacles ache by just thinking of these things.  They make no sense!  I once saw a Quarble from Planet X-531 make love to an entire Venusian middle school marching band, and that was a more coherent experience!  So, this is it.  I'm packing my bags, leaving this kid's head, and flying back to the home world.  We don't need Earth.  Bye.

What is deal with Ichigo's recap?  Do we need a recap to start up another recap?  Which ultimately leads to you reading MY recap?  This is insanity!

To describe to "Bleach" three nights ago, I can only use this phrase:  "Holy clusterfuck, Batman!"  Everybody just started fighting everybody else, basically at random.  The Powerpuff Arrancars decided to fight Hitsugaya and that set of tits he calls a lieutenant, Starrk and Lolinette went to fight Shunsui and Captain Tuberculosis, and Barragan managed to pull two more Arrancars out his ass to fight Soy Phone and her idiot.  So I guess that's like twenty-nine episodes worth of fighting to do, along with all the battles that are happening in Heuco Mundo right now.  Oh, and remember that the Visoreds are on their way, the Big Bad Trio are trapped in a fireball, and then there are all the characters that Tite Kubo simply forgot about.  And finally, Ichigo has to save the day somehow.  We're going to be here for a very long long long time.  Better get comfortable, its "Bleach" time.

I bet you think that now that Barragan's four Fracciones are dead that its finally time for him to personally start fighting?  WRONG!  That chair is way too comfortable, and he has two more!  These guys must have gotten lost on the way to the party; should have made that left turn at Albuquerque.  So let's see em:

Hockey dude and Soi Fon 2?

By the way, Sabertooth girl there is actually a boy.  They both volunteer to completely wipe out the Soul Reapers on their own... which is ambitious if nothing else.  Barragan himself seems to have completely forgotten the mission at hand, which was to destroy the four pillars.  Instead now everybody is fighting everybody else.  Soi Fon immediately smirks a bit, noting "hey, this kid is roughly my size, and that hockey player fits the size of my idiot, got to fight them."  Then all at once, everybody teleports someplace else to stand around looking threatening for awhile.

Except Yamamoto, of course.  I think he fell asleep again.  Occasionally he babbles something in his sleep, and that's it.  Moving on.

I will admire Soi Fon for calling Sabertooth out on his boasting.  If a giant whale-rooster couldn't defeat a single Soul Reaper, what hope does he have?  So she wants Vega (thanks "Bleach Wiki"!) for herself.  Also, Soi Fon cements her "cool" status by telling her Lieutenant, the fat tub of lard that spends most of this show being an asshole, to "please die".  It is on this front alone that real action takes place.

Now, just to get it out of the way real fast let's check on the Stark v. Shunsui situation:

"Man, I just don't give a shit."

"Neither do I."

And that's the end of that.  Moving on.

Because nobody in particular matches Tia Harrible, Tite Kubo just sends Hitsugaya to fight her.  But before he can face the wrath of the only female Espada*, he must first be blown away by her super-cool patented sword-taking-out skills:

Sadly for Harribel, Gin played a practical joke on her 
and cut out the inside of her sword.

There actually is a bit of swashbuckling here.  But you don't get to see very much of it, so I guess I have to move on.  I'm rooting for Harribel though.  Hitsugaya has cool hair, but he doesn't have that midriff.

That leaves Rangiku to fight the other three Spice Girls.  Really, not a lot of action happens here either, because Rangiku trolls the three of them and just watches while they engage in "wacky" Japanese anime hyjinks.  Its scenes like this that make me keep a beer by my side every single time I watch this show these days.

How does the Black chick keep her boobs from spiling out?

Honestly I don't know what to make of all this.  Why are we giving these three Arrancar girls personalities?  What hope do they actually have of surviving for even three episodes?  The odds are like three to one.  Even if I found one that I like (and there is so much to like about all of them - O.O), Rangiku will just kill them all.  It will be Findor all over again.  Can't the mooks just be quiet, die quickly, and let the plot move faster?

Rangiku tries to kill all three of the Spice Girls with her Shikai, which is a dust attack which works pretty much the same was as Byakuya's Bankai, only nowhere near as effective.  The Spice Girls laugh it off, and we're moving on.

Back with the Soi Fon vs. Vega fight, things are actually getting pretty cool.  I mean, this bit of action here would make for a relatively decent "Dragonball Z" fight.  But oh wait, we only have a minute left in the show, don't we.  Crap.  So Soi Fon crucifies the kid, and prepares to murder him.... on the next episode.

The Passion of the Vega

Obviously Vega can't die just yet, because he hasn't revealed his super form yet.  So there's that to look forward to.  Otherwise, we just got a shit-load of fights right now, like an insane amount.  Oh yeah, remember that in Heuco Mundo, Ichigo is still fighting Ulquiorra.  Remember that?  Will we ever actually see it?  Let me check next week's episode.  Nope.  Here's to whatever we'll see instead of it.

* "Oh, Blue, what about Neliel?" you might be saying to yourself.  Well, Neliel no longer exists.  She stumbled into the same bizarre black hole that Grimmjow fell into and we'll never see either of them ever again.  But in better news, her two sidekicks fell in at the same time.  But Ganju and his hot sister have been keeping the Void nice for all the years they've been down there.  Its got a couch and a TV now, so they'll be fine.  And this means they don't have to take part in this awful final battle, so I guess its more a blessing than anything else.


  1. Wow, as you can see, the plot is moving a lot faster then it usually does, I mean its trucking liking freight train, it actually hasn't showed people talking for about 20 minutes then drawing their sword to say to be continued...

  2. You know now that I think about it what the hell did happen to Neliel? I mean you said it right there, but I'm talking about right after the fight with spoony she kinda just vanished. O.O OMG is this a plot to slowly get rid of characters that were actually interesting? It's a conspiracy!

    -The 1 & only Uzuki

  3. Notice that Spoony beat both Grimmjow and Neliel. He must be central to the mystery. But somehow Ichigo escaped the void, even though he lost as badly as those two did. This must be studied more...

  4. Holy stuff this truly is a conspiracy! After some extended research (Thank yo~u Bleach wikia) and re-watching a couple of episodes, it seems that Grimmjaw dissolved into The Void, while Neliel just stayed on the battle field when Ichigo left after the battle with Spoony. I call shenanigans on Tite Kubo! First Aurto and now Grimmjaw and Neliel. I won't let you get away with destroying mildly interesting characters just because you can't think of a way to include them into the plot!


  5. Blue, I'm sorry to tell you this but, Square Enix is remaking Final Fantasy X for the PS3 instead of FFVII.