The Lion King 3D

"Chrono Trigger" is a classic, but come on.  This is "The Lion King".  There are some things just considerably more important than a video game, no matter which one.  "The Lion King" is only the first name that comes into your head when you think of the Greatest Animated Movie of All Time*.  We've all seen it a million times, we probably still have a copy of it on VHS in a box someplace in the basement.  You know the lyrics to "Hakuna Matata", you wept before when Mufasa died, and when your kids are born you will lift them up to Providence's divine rays at some point.  This movie defines classic, there can be no doubt about it.

And if for any reason you haven't seen "Lion King" yet.... You better run, because I'll find you.  I'll find you and make you pay what you owe.

I, of course, absolutely love "The Lion King".  I've seen the movie roughly ten thousand and a half times.  I even went to see the Broadway musical, which is an incredible experience.  Actually, the musical is several shades better than the movie, probably the best show you'll ever see in any medium.  It is beyond fantastic, stunning in every sense of the word.  So since "The Lion King" means an immeasurable deal to me and every child of the 90s, when it was released in theatres this month as part of a cheap 3D gimmick to better advertise the BluRay release next month, I had to go see it.  This was not a choice like most movies I see, this was an obligation.  It was a religious pilgrimage, a life-affirming act of the deepest personal and philosophical significance.  Yeah, I went to Israel, land of my forefathers and breadbasket of civilization, earlier this year, but that was just a vacation.  "The Lion King" in theatres - that's what's really important.  That's where true meaning lies.

There's no point in reviewing "The Lion King", because we all know its a perfect movie.  I would do it a disservice to even try to review it.  But I guess I can give an assorted bunch of thoughts and whatever.  So enjoy:

Obviously Lil' Bro had to come along for this ride.  He's four years old now, four years too old to have not seen "The Lion King".  What kind of Big Bro would I be if I didn't take Lil' Bro along for the ride?  Plus he just really likes popcorn and exactly in that age bracket to enjoy 3D glasses just for the sake of wearing stupid crap on your head during a movie.  Sadly, I don't think he liked the movie all that well.  I don't blame Lil' Bro, this is a considerably darker movie than "Winnie the Pooh".  Plus, Lil' Bro just isn't mature enough to actually understand what it means when somebody dies or that death is permanent at all.  "Does Simba get a new Daddy now?"  "Is he the Daddy now?"He seemed properly shocked when Mufasa died, at least, so maybe the message got to him on some level.  And he was scared to death when the lions started fighting.  (Or "the tigers" as Lil' Bro kept calling them.)  When he's older I'm sure he'll like the movie... or else we may have a problem here.

Maybe bringing Lil' Bro was a mistake, because he asked the saddest question ever during the stampede scene.  "Where is his Daddy?"  Oh, I fucking lost it.  That's not a sight you want to see.  "Lion King" doesn't usually make me cry, but this time, I failed.  You win this time, Disney.

So anyway, this is a 3D re-release.  Obviously 3D and I haven't seen I to I for the last few years.  3D thinks I should shill out an extra ten bucks for the privilege to see a movie, I think 3D is an idiotic waste of time that adds nothing to the movie.  We'd make a great couple, I think.  Anyway, was "The Lion King" made any better thanks to the 3D?  That's easy:  Hell No.  The first opening scene looked extremely good thanks to 3D boosting the already superb animation, but no other scene even came close to looking any better.  If anything, the 3D brought more focus on the limits of 2D animation, showing certain figures to be way flatter than they used to be.  Then most of the scenes look exactly the same anyway, without any 3D effects of any kind, just for a final insult.  So try to find a 2D showing, if at all possible.  3D sucks, its always sucked, and will continue to suck for a few more years until Hollywood finally dumps this fad for another few decades.

Also, if you haven't noticed, "The Lion King" is a moral tale mostly about the Divine Right of Kings, more than anything else.  When Mufasa and Simba - the kings chosen directly by God's shining light at the beginning of the movie - rule, the Pride Lands flourish.  When Scar rules, the place turns into a grey wasteland.  Clearly this is the Mandate of Heaven come to life.  Of course, this movie is also about Simba maturing, learning to face his problems, and eventually become the hero his world needs.

So how does "Lion King" stack up against modern family films?  Has it aged well?  Is that even a question?  "The Lion King" remains supreme, sadly being the best film released all year.  Average family films are miserable things, never loved by anybody but spineless producers imagining ways to remove money from the wallets of parents.  Do you think "Mr. Popper's Penguins" has even a faint glimmer of the artistic brilliance and loving detail put into this movie?  "Cars 2" is proven to be a barely passable fraud in comparison to "The Lion King".  Only "Winnie the Pooh" even compares, and that's only thanks to its own natural retro-style.  Great family and animated films are still being made, but "The Lion King" will never age.  That's what is means to be a classic.  Mufasa's death is still as stirring, Timon and Pumba's antics are still as funny, the animation is still a beautiful recreation of Africa's natural wonder, and the music is still as fantastic.  Perfect movies never become un-perfect.


Hankuna Matata everybody.

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* I can't actually call it the Greatest Animated Movie Ever, because that would be extremely unfair to the competition.  We got "Coraline", "WALL-E", "Spirited Away", and a million others to consider.  I wouldn't dare name a Best Live Action Movie, I'd even less dare name a Best Animated Film.  Also, among Disney movies, I kinda got a soft spot for "Little Mermaid" and "Hunchback of Notre Dome".