The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Here we are again, Twilight.  We meet again.  Time for us to do epic battle once more.

"Eclipse" is the third movie in the "Twilight Saga" a series of films whose stupidity can only be matched by its popularity.  Essentially Twilight is the Justin Bieber of literature/cinema, its so fashionable to hate it that can you resist taking a cheap shot?  I mean, just say the word "Twilight" in some places and you'll find yourself pelted with garbage and then they'll open the door out with your head.  As entertaining as that would be, that's the wrong way to approach Twilight in general.  Because as a twenty-year-old male, Twilight was probably as much designed for my demographic as "Mary-Kate and Ashley:  How the West Was Fun".  Its for girls, preteen girls.  And as we all know, everything that preteen girls like is incredibly stupid and utterly horrible, like Justin Bieber or the entire program schedule of MTV.  But who cares?  These books, even for five dollar paperback romance novels that typically can be found in grocery stores, are utterly horrible.  And they're entertaining because of how stupid they are.

Honestly I don't think the fans even notice how bad these books are, and if they did, they don't care.  A book is not what's written on the page, its how you interpret it.  Thus people can claim that they love these books/movies while still hating Bella.  To the readers, Edward and Jacob are the perfect magical sex gods and they belong to THEM, not to Stephenie Meyer's author avatar, Bella Swan.  They have their own avatars to insert into the story!  Forget Bella and Edward's love story, this is the love story between Edward and the reader.  That's all its ever been about.  Also Jacob shirtless, that's the other major theme of this story.  The vampires, the werewolves - all that's just flavor for a preteen sexual fantasy.  And that's not nearly as entertaining as what's actually on the screen, which is utterly hilariously bad.  So that's where I'm coming from here:  it sucks, you know it sucks, lets laugh at how bad it sucks.

First of all, I'm very disappointed that this movie didn't introduce another Universal horror monster for Bella to fall in love with.  I was hoping for a Creature From the Black Lagoon monster by the name of Steve.

Last time on the Twilight SAGA (this series is still not a saga and its attempts to make itself seem more literary and important are pathetic), Edward and Bella were back together even though really nothing had been solved.  Bella still wants to be a vampire, Edward still doesn't want her to be a vampire, Jacob still loves Bella, Bella still is toying with Jacob.  And now Edward and Bella are getting married!  ...Well not now, but later!  Essentially at this point Bella is so hungry for Edward's vampire penis that she's going to give up her entire life, future, career, family, friends, and every other interest in order to be with him FOR ALL ETERNITY.  In order for this movie to even begin to work, you have to accept that this love story is so perfect and magical that there is nothing wrong with any of what I just detailed.  I know its impossible to accept that without realizing that Bella is a very very sick little girl who is in need of help, and that Edward is not much better, but that's Twilight for you.  Thumbs up!

By the way, Bella as a character literally does not have anything in her life other than Edward.  She's a completely empty miserable person who exists only to leech off the men who want to possess her.  If that's not the perfect character to represent my generation, I don't know what else is.

Strangely, the movie seems to be arguing against itself when it comes to the issue of Bella becoming a vampire.  I know that in Stephenie Meyer's deranged fantasy surrendering everything to your rapist man is somehow the epitome of true love yet in the early parts of this movie all I see are reasons for her not to be a vampire.  We travel to South Carolina* to visit Bella's Mom (don't remember her name) for the last time.  You see, when Bella becomes a vampire she will have to break off all ties with her family, since she'll age and they won't and that will make Christmas dinners kinda weird.  Edward is rather philosophical about all this:  "well, in a few decades everybody you know will be dead, so the problem solves itself."  Of course, while visiting Bella's mom, he spends the entire time inside starring at Bella like some kind of messed-up abusive husband.  And Bella's mom cannot be more charmed by that behavior which should make a real mother rather disturbed.

As a matter of fact, in this movie Edward has completely transformed into some awful Lifetime Original Movie-esque possessive asshole.  He's always asking Bella where she's going, who she has been with, why she didn't tell him this and that, and just manipulating her left and right.  Edward spends the whole movie going behind her back with all sorts of plans and schemes that she is not told about.  Like the trip to South Carolina was actually his plan to get her to stop wanting to be a vampire, and also it was to get her out of Washington so that the other 'good' vampires could investigate the main villain of the movie.  Edward even knows about a threat to Bella's life but doesn't tell her about it.  This guy is coming off like a total scumbag.  TRUE LOVE!

Though I might be a bit overprotective of my fiancé too if she were hanging out with Jacob, a super-hot Werewolf Indian who as Edward points out "doesn't own a shirt".  Jacob here too has taken on something of a horrific transformation, going from a rather happy-go-lucky character in "Twilight 1" to this disturbing near-rapist guy.  He's completely out of his mind over Bella choosing Edward in the last movie, and he's determined to try again this time.  "You love me but you don't know it yet!  ARRR!"  So essentially the plot of "Twilight 3" is the same as the plot of "Twilight 2" (as much as one can call the narratives of these movies "plots"), we're back exactly where we were before wondering if Bella will choose Edward or Jacob.  Guess what?  She still chooses Edward, so this whole movie is pointless!  Still I found that Jacob was more likable than Edward here, because at the very least, the guy shows emotion and he actually looks human.

But remember, I'm a full-on Team Jacob Twihard, so you know I'm massively biased here.

However, the most likable character in this movie is without a doubt, Charlie, Bella's poor father who somehow has to deal with a horrible daughter with at least Borderline personality disorder.  This guy immediately doesn't like Edward, which is not surprising since the guy is kinda fruity.  Charlie spends the movie with a look of quiet exasperation, looking exactly like the father of a daughter who has been in drug rehab just three too many times.  I know he's got a calendar in his room somewhere where he checks off the days until Bella leaves for college and then his life can begin again.  Charlie also has without a doubt all the best lines in this movie, but he plays no real role in the plot.  He's worried about Edward screwing Bella, luckily Edward is a 100-year-old virgin and so will never has sex with Bella until their wedding day.  Yes this tiresome old-fashioned sensibility is supposed to be endearing.  Charlie at least is happy, since this means he won't have to deal with Bella getting pregnant.  Bitch can get pregnant once she's out of his house, not before.

Throughout the movie Bella continues to hang out with Jacob, despite knowing full well that he's in love with her and that there's no way this side of neutering that they're staying "just friends".  Any sane person with the slightest interest in Jacob and Edward's feelings would stay away from Wolfy at this point, but Bella is an awful person who feeds on the negative emotions of others. She gets off on Edward suffering to not bite her and so she also gets off on Jacob's desperate attempts to prove to her that she loves him.  Folks, this is the story that's being called the greatest love story of our time**.  Last movie they compared this crap to Romeo & Juliet.  Plus she's marrying Edward, and never tells Jacob!  All just to fuck with him.

While at Jacob's kennel, we're introduced to two new werewolves - because that's exactly what this series needs, more characters.  Who cares that we have Bella, seven Cullens, six werewolves, four or five classmates, a dozen villains, and Charlie, most of which have next to nothing to do in this bloated plot (and have less than three lines in this movie) but let's throw more in.  These two are the Clearwaters siblings, Leah and Seth.  They're introduced in this movie and are completely unnecessary.  Leah, however, is extremely pretty and immediately calls Bella out on being a bitch manipulating Jacob's feelings.  Yet another character who would be a better protagonist.  (Sigh)

By the way, this is the moment that we learn about the werewolf practice of "imprinting".  When you imprint upon somebody you immediately fall in love with them.  So there's this one werewolf named Sam (don't remember him) who is getting married to Emily, a girl with scars (don't remember her either), because he imprinted upon her when dating Leah.  Leah, naturally is pissed.  None of this matters to the plot either.  The whole point her is to introduce imprinting, which is not important to this movie but will eventually become a source of ultimate amusement in "Twilight 4" when Jacob falls in love with baby.  Did I just make that up?  Just wait and see next movie!

Meanwhile, in Seattle, an army of young vampires are being born to defeat the Cullens.  Victoria, the red-headed chick that you may or may not remember is a bad vampire and wants Bella dead for getting her fruity boyfriend killed in the first movie.  These young vampires are causing more chaos then grunge music did back in the early 1990s.  Of course, the movie doesn't really care about that, so instead we get to see more scenes of Bella and Edward staring at each other in fields full of flowers.  These vampires are going to attack later in the film, so we better be prepared.

While that's happening, Bella is hanging out with one of the Cullen girls (don't remember her or her name), and Whatshername tells Bella her backstory to dissuade her from being a vampire.  Back in the 1880s, Whatshername was going to get married to some lovely young man, but instead the guy decided to gang rape and kill her.  Luckily the head Cullen guy (also don't remember his name - this series has so many memorable characters, right?) found her and made her a vampire to save her life.  So now as a vampire she went off for revenge and brutally killed each and every one of her rapists while dressed in her wedding gown.

WHY THE FUCK AREN'T I WATCHING THAT MOVIE??  WHAT THE HELL?  Its "Kill Bill" with vampires!  Do you get more awesome than that?  Do you?  Forget Bella and her silly love story, show me Whatshername's movie!  My God!  Well, anyway, that scene also is completely pointless since Bella learns nothing from it.  She's incapable of learning anything from anybody, forget it.  Is there is a moral or a theme to Twilight?  Not really, no.

So the evil vampires are on their way, which means that the good vampires and the werewolves have to team up to save Forks and Bella and whatever.  Turns out that one the Cullens, Jasper, the dude with Harpo Marx hair is actually some kind of expert of vampire warfare, having fought in the Vampire Wars that happened in the background of the American Civil War (another more interesting movie they could have made).  So he starts training the Cullens in vampire fighting, in what is without a doubt the best-looking scene of the entire series.  They hired a new director for this film, and it shows.  These sparring matches actually have skillful choreography and exciting action.... which is why it has to end in two minutes.  God help you if your movie is exciting...  That would completely ruin Bella and Edward's romance***.

To keep Bella safe during the upcoming vampire attack, Edward and Jacob and her go up to the top of a mountain in a blizzard so that the evil vampires won't get her.  Its at this point that I notice that all this is happening because of Bella.  All the evil people want her dead, all the good people want her to live.  Why is she worth all this chaos?  Whatever, I think that's part of the preteen fantasy.  If you're not the completely and total center of attention, its just not worth it, is it?  While the blizzard is happening, Bella is freezing to death, so in order to save her life, Jacob has to jump in the sleeping bag with her.  Edward can't do it because as Jacob explains it "I'm hotter", I don't think anybody is going to doubt that one.  Jacob is getting all up Bella's crotch, and they basically dry hump all night while Edward has to sit there knowing a red hot Indian cock is sticking between Bella's legs.  And Jacob is grinning the whole time, its awesome!

Later that night while Bella is asleep, Edward and Jacob have a heart to heart.  Jacob is like "I'm better for her!  I'm human!  And check out these pecs!  I'm better than Batman!"  Edward says "Yeah, that's true... But Bella likes me for some reason, so that's that."  Then Edward says he might like Jacob if they weren't romantic rivals.  Jacob says "I'd hate you either way, you fruity vampire weirdo."  Is this movie opening the door for some Jacob x Edward action here?  I know the fangirls are furiously scribbling it down as I speak.  Its too bad for Jacob, he deserves better than either of those sadsacks.  Leah is single, go for that.

That morning, Jacob finally discovers that Bella has agreed to marry Edward.  Jacob gets furious, now realizing that Bella was completely screwing with him all movie (and all of last movie too, and probably will continue to screw him during a fair section of the next movie).  He's about to leave - which he should have done hours ago - but Bella yells that she needs him to stay.  Then they kiss... while Edward is right there watching them.  Okay, okay, really?  Bella is making out with some dude right in front of her vampiric husband-to-be?  How do you take away from this anything other than the clear proof that she is a horrible person who either is completely out of control or sadistically screwing with these guys' minds?

Turns out that kiss meant nothing.  Bella loves Jacob... but she loves Edward more.  How does that work?  Actually, don't answer, I don't care.  This whole plot thread was meaningless and we're back to where we started.  I need some Ashley Greene to make this better.

Oh look, she's in the giant fight scene.  That will do it.  So the vampires are fighting the other vampires, but its a total rout.  Lots of evil vampires are smashed to pieces**** and its a huge victory for the "heroes".  Bad vampire Victoria is killed by Edward, so its all good.  One of the bad vampires is this little girl who was too afraid to fight.  The Cullens at first decide to adopt her, but then Dakota Fanning of all people appears.  She claims to have come around to have beaten the bad vampires, but its implied that she actually wanted the bad vampires to win and didn't do anything until now to see the Cullens dead.  The little girl vampire has to be given up and she's killed quite horribly.  Our "heroes" stand around and watch it happen, doing nothing.  Goddamn they're heroic!  These are the same people who let an entire crowd of poor tourists with children get eaten in the last movie.  I guess Bella is worth saving, but nobody else in this universe is worth risking your neck for.  Heroic as Hell.

And that's where the movie kinda ends.  Ashley Greene is going to plan Bella's wedding, because Bella doesn't care.  What kind of girl doesn't care about her wedding?  This should be the single most important focus of her life!  Oh Bella doesn't care because she so in love with Edward that even wedding planning is just a secondary chore.  Don't make me puke.  But that's next movie, for now we the end credits.

So that's "Twilight 3" for you.  There really wasn't an Eclipse, was there?  Strangely, Anna Kendricks, alumi of "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" and "Up in the Air" with George Clooney has two lines, maybe.  Dakota Fanning has the bittest of bit parts.  Even Ashely Green wasn't there.  It was all Bella, Jacob, and Edward doing stupid things for stupid reasons.  I guess this movie was better made than the last two, but who wants a well-made Twilight movie?  The whole point is to be as atrocious as possible, thus the fun.

However, the fun really is going to begin in "Twilight 4".  Oh yeah.  You better believe it.  I am so excited for those movies. Jacob imprints on a baby, that's all I need to hear.  In fact, I'm so exciting I'm going to read the book beforehand.  We'll be back with our Twilight reviews when I finally get around to that.  Until then, enjoy the shit.

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* For three movies now every scene has been filmed in a grainy washed-out blue filter, barring like one scene in Italy.  Strangely South Carolina is just as blue as the Pacific Northwest.  So is Arizona too if you remember the first movie.  This is the editor telling the audience "I don't get paid enough to make this crap."

** I doubt even Rumiko Takahashi, author of "Ramna 1/2" and "Inuyasha" could save a dynamic this fucked-up at this point.  But at least Takahashi would be able to write a story a bit less boring and dreary.  Hell, not even Fabio could save this.  The only thing to do is get Alucard from "Helling" and have him kick ass.

*** I hate to point this out, but Bella and Edward's romance is OVER.  They decided they were perfect for each for eternity back in the first movie and the entire force of Heaven and Hell will never dissuade them.  Jacob is just side-show.  At this point Bella and Edward are fully in love, whatever, so all they're doing is trying to make it work.  Basically all they have left is to find a way to have sex without Bella getting killed.  That's all they have in common - wanting to fuck... and being generally miserable human beings.

**** The vampires in this movie are literally made out of marble.  When you hit them hard enough, they shatter.  You can break their hands off, revealing nothing but stone.  ...Okay... that's an unusual design decision.  Any explanations for that one?  By the way, I still have not been given a satisfying explanation as to why the vampires in these movies don't have fangs.  Or how they drink blood without them.