Thursday, March 27, 2014

LOOK AND DESPAIR at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer

Well, we all knew this was coming.  Michael Bay has been threatening to produce a Transformers-style Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles blockbuster for years.  All he wanted for ransom was a trillion dollars and his own fleet of army helicopters to fly at sunset, we should have paid.  But President Obama does not negotiate with terrorists, so Michael Bay went through with the threat... and God Help Us, here is the trailer:

And - you know - I am a very outspoken person, and I say a lot of things on the Internet.  I really love to abuse hyperbole.  But!  I am fair above all else.  I always admit when I am wrong.

This... is not one of those times.  "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" looks like ass.  It looks like the things that come out of asses:  shit.  The turtles look like lumpy CG freaks.  They look like somebody microwaved their 80s action figures.  Did Shrek mate with the Goombas from the "Super Mario Bros" movie?  The plot is pointlessly violent and quote-on-quote "realistic" "dark" - AKA:  "we want to rip-off 'The Dark Knight' six years later" - bullshit.  I love how the Nickelodeon logo, once a symbol of my happy cartoon babies going on adventures, now is being juxtaposed with terrorists shooting machine guns.  I hope you love dubstep rumbling noises, because the Turtles are all about that now.  Remember when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a fun kids show?  They ate pizza?  They had catch-phrases?  They fought giant brains from space?

Yeah, the 80s were a better time.  Here's the trailer to the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" film.  Its funny, and adorable, and shameless and fun.  Its a movie made to be Ninja Turtles, funny puppetry and non-serious action.  Just lovely.


  1. LIEBESMANNNNNNNNN! Dammit they somehow got that produced. For a while I really thought that was nipped in the bud. :/

  2. Okay, okay. As awful as it look. I could maybe let it slide if not for one thing.

    April O'neil has to be a redhead !!!!!!! And sure as hell should not be Megan can not act Fox.

    This is going to suck

    Sword Of Primus

  3. Oh no.
    I can't deal with this. I just can't.
    Everything is bad, and everyone should just feel bad.
    Nothing makes sense anymore.

  4. Welp, guess it's time for me to be the odd duck out of the pack...*Takes deep breath*


    *People throw rotten vegetables and yell "Boo!"*

    I'm sorry, but that's how I feel about it. Am I upset that they got Megan Fox (Who I thought had quit showbiz) to play April? I am, but not because she doesn't have red hair and wears a yellow jumpsuit, it's because Fox isn't known for her...good acting. Do I like the new design for the turtles? Not really. I would have preferred that they took the costume route like with the first movies (Seriously what's up with the hate with the costumes? I really want to know.), but the Bay Turtles don't look THAT bad.

    I'm willing to give the movie a shot. Mind you I don't have high hopes for it, but as a former Final Fantasy fanboy my it'll-probably-be-better-next-time attitude will see me through.

    1. Fair enough Uzuki, I could have maybe gotten past the red hair, if it was not for the fact Megan Fox is a terrible actress and we all know is just there for fanservice and to play devils advocate the Turtles voices are not that bad.

      Sword of Primus

  5. once again, hollywood trying hard take decent shit. it wanted to be hot and solid but it turned out all calabungareigha instead! i go out scream rage into my pillow now. thanks hollywood!

  6. I smiled a bit at the "it's just a mask" joke, but everything else in that trailer was awful.